Weight Watchers CEO For A Day

Most likely, I will never be CEO of Weight Watchers.

Oh, I might have been if, during the interview, I hadn't answered the “What do you consider to be your greatest weakness?” question by saying “Probably my inability to quit stealing office supplies to sell in my eBay store.” Stupid HR managers and their trick questions...



But I can dream, can’t I? I can think about what changes I might institute were I given the big office...


• Would challenge R&D department to come up with negative calorie food that (a) isn't celery and (b) doesn't taste like celery.

• Change Weight Watcher online to include more pictures of cute kittens.

• Would change name of “points” to “fun units” because... well, just because.

• Would install pole in office that you could slide down into secret workout facility/tv-watching room.

• Would declare Funyuns to be a “fun unit-free” food.


• Would have all employees wear Star Trek uniforms because of how slim they make you look; do you realize that Mr. Spock weighed nearly 400 pounds?

• Would have stipulation in Jennifer Hudson's endorsement contract that she has to call me each evening and softly sing “Go to Sleep, Little Baby” to me as I drift off.


• Reinstate pre-meeting round of sugar-free Jell-O shots.

• Go all “Fight Club” on Jared from Subway.


• Add addendum to official rulebook: If people wanna weigh in in the buff, by God, I say they can weigh in in the buff.


• All WW leaders would be instructed to close each meeting with a reading from Jack Sh*t, Getting’ Fit.