All Atwitter...

I have a lot of really random thoughts in my head, most of which I can't figure out a way to work into a blog post but seem better suited for Twitter's tiny stage. That's the thing I love most about it.

The thing I love least about Twitter is that I can't quickly find an old tweet that made me laugh, so every so often I collect some of my best, worst and most in-between tweets and stick 'em on a blog post.
 

• I've learned not to ask a woman if she's pregnant unless I see the baby's head crowning.

• Just saw what my tax refund's gonna be; I'm buying a new iPhone... app.

• @psychicadvisor5 just followed me on twitter; shouldn't she have known I wasn’t gonna follow her back?

• Think of yourself as a real-life Ms. Pac-Man; eat healthy food (like cherries) and run every day (so ghosts don’t catch and kill you).

• When you "accuse", you make an "acc" out of "u" and "se". Remember that!

• In honor of Monopoly's anniversary, I just stole $500 from the bank.

• Who has three thumbs and is AWESOME? Ummm... that guy in the carnival freakshow.

• Okay, nose back to grindstone. Why did I take this job at nose-grinding factory?

Dammit! I just drank some cork with my wine. And I think I might be allergic to cork!

• I'm the Mayor of @dontcareaboutfoursquare!

• Heading to bed. Hope I have another dream about a unicorn eating a rainbow...

• Anything is possible! I just caught a fly with chopsticks! Wait... that's an eggroll. Nevermind...

• Live each day as though it's your last; mine's been filled with updating my will and leaving weepy messages on friend's voicemails...

• Tip for bloggers: bloggity blog blog blog (sorry, that's all I've got...)

• I told my wife Anita to iron my shirts and she took off in the car. I guess to go get some spray starch...

• Helpful weight-loss tip: you can make your own rice cakes by cutting an air conditioner filter up into little circles.

• I was thinking about writing a mystery novel, but what if I couldn't figure out who committed the murder? How embarrassing would THAT be?

• Roses are red. Violets are black. At least they are if you buy them. At Discount Flower Shack...

• Sitting down to do my taxes. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY TRASH CAN FULL OF RECEIPTS?

• Just ate all chocolate in the house because I read somewhere that it was poisonous to dogs. MUST SAVE DOGS!

• Go to animal shelter and adopt a stray anteater. RT @GirlyBitzGirl: Any tips for getting rid of ants? They are taking over my house.

• My wife just pointed out that my “yoga” is just me sitting Indian-style on the floor and working a sudoku puzzle.

• Did you know you can make your own corn-on-the-cob by gluing frozen corn niblets to a toilet paper tube?

• Call me crazy, but I still get a chill up my spine every time I'm hooked up to the Spine-Chilling machine.

• I'm kinda mad that nobody calls me The Sh*tuation like I asked.

• They say "Don't reinvent the wheel" but I've got this kick-ass idea for a whole new kind of wheel (hint: cupholders!).

• Maybe I have my head in the clouds too much, but I see an awful lot of rainbows...

• @RoniNoone If you have your baby on St Patrick's Day, I've got the perfect name for him: Jack.

• Don't you hate it when you go to a wedding and they're serving wedding cake?

• Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me; fool me 3 times, shame on educational system for not preparing me for fooling.

• Lost a fortune on blackjack even tho I was counting cards; knowing there was 52 of them didn't seem to help me much...

• Not many ppl know this, but my blog actually started as a CB radio podcast.

• I don't really LIKE to shoplift, but I've run the numbers and it's a lot cheaper than regular shopping.

• Get more traffic to my blog, GUARANTEED! Click here: http://bit.ly/fco4CS

• Welcome new robot followers. Here's special robot joke: Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a robot. Thanks again for following!

• That's what she said. Wait! That most certainly IS NOT what she said! RT @DefineDiana: @JackSht take it all Jack!

• That giant person you made out of tater tots is sign u need a date… and to start eating better… and to pick up more ketchup at the store.

• My wife says I have “fearless commitment” and… huh? What’s that, Anita? You said “fear of commitment”? Will you pls stay outta this?

• Call me crazy, but I'd rather have a diamond with a flaw in it than a regular rock that's utterly perfect.

• An infinite # of monkeys typing infinite # of years = works of Shakespeare. Four monkeys typing for 2 hours = my blog.

Come be a part of the Twitter fun, 

and be sure to follow my nonsense at @JackSht