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Friday, April 1, 2011

You'll Thank Me Later

• Every time you drink a regular soda, I "sext" your daughter.

• You eat a donut, I pour a cup of cat urine on your bed.

• Whenever you blow off going to the gym, I send you a video of me flossing my teeth.

• For every four hours of TV you watch, I donate a dollar to the charity you hate the most.

• While you're in that Mexican restaurant scarfing down chips and salsa and margaritas, I'll be filling your iPod with Rush Limbaugh podcasts.

• Every time you skip breakfast, I leave a voicemail with me talking baby talk for five minutes.

• Whenever you eat a candy bar, I  shave a swastika on your pet's side.

• While you're playing games on the computer, I sprinkle chia pet seeds in your underwear drawer.

• Whenever you pull into the drive-thru lane of a fast-food restaurant, I yodel a medley of cowboy songs from the backseat.

• Every time you take a step backwards on your healthy living quest, I write another "You'll Thank Me Later..." post.


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12 comments:

  1. Anne HApril 1, 2011 at 5:28 AM

    I'll thank you now!
    Happy April Fool's Day, fun guy!

    ReplyDelete
  2. MrsFatassApril 1, 2011 at 5:48 AM

    How did you get my daughter's cell phone number?

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownApril 1, 2011 at 6:39 AM

    did you know that we have a different meaning for 'blow off' here in UK.......

    parp.....

    ReplyDelete
  4. ThunderThighsApril 1, 2011 at 6:41 AM

    Dear Mr. Sh*t,
    I'm writing to inform you that I am on to your shenanigans. You may have thought you could get all this past me, but you can't. I have read between the lines, I have sifted through your humor, sarcasm, and downright silliness and I have found your deeper meaning. In your posts, I find great advice and inspiration. Whether you like it or not, you can't fool me. So go on, keep writing with your usual satire, but know this one thing - I get way more out of your posts than you think and I truly appreciate that fact.
    Sincerely,
    Crystal
    (*smile smile wink wink)

    ReplyDelete
  5. UnknownApril 1, 2011 at 7:07 AM

    Ugh! Rush Limbaugh- I may never be able to eat Mexican food again.

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousApril 1, 2011 at 10:42 AM

    love the comic relief first thing in the morning!

    ReplyDelete
  7. arielcircleofnineApril 1, 2011 at 10:59 AM

    HAHHA...these are great!

    ReplyDelete
  8. LanieApril 1, 2011 at 11:03 AM

    Dammit. How did you know?

    Btw, I love Snickers and my mean cat needs a trim. Do you have your own razor or should I get one?

    ReplyDelete
  9. AnonymousApril 1, 2011 at 11:06 AM

    "Whenever you eat a candy bar, I shave a swastika on your pet's side"

    uh yeah. Just wait until you meet Bob the Cat.

    ReplyDelete
  10. JamesApril 1, 2011 at 11:28 AM

    Rush podcasts! HA! I have sworn off chips and salsa!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Quick Weight LossApril 2, 2011 at 8:56 AM

    I loved this post! So well written and funny too! Thanks for sharing your experience with us!

    ReplyDelete
  12. AmyApril 4, 2011 at 10:04 PM

    Fantastic! Smiling from ear you to ear. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete