Fat Ass-trology for the Holidays

ARIES-LING (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
New year's resolution looking shaky due to fact that three people have already given you membership in Ham-of-the-Month Club.

TARTUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You'll tell the kids that the gingerbread house broke and fell on the floor and you had to throw it away, but you and I both know the truth.

GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 - June 20)
You'll call to try to make an appointment for workout session, but the personal trainer recognizes your voice, starts screaming and slams the phone down.

CANCEREAL (June 21 - July 22)
Holiday experimentation comes to an end when batista trying to make you peppermint-eggnog-gingerbread-mocha-macchiato accidentally blows up your Starbucks.

LEOREO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Department store will ask you to full in for sick Santa but change their mind when they realize suit would be too small.

VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Your blog will get an influx of traffic when it's named one of TIME magazine's "50 Worst Blogs on Earth".

LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Yes, everyone at the party's going to laugh when the chair you're sitting in collapses, but keep in mind that Carl just told his really funny story about the rabbi, the Pope and President Obama.

SCOOPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
It's true that you probably shouldn't have eaten an entire fruitcake but your co-worker shouldn't have double dog dared you.

SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You'll fall asleep on recliner wearing green sweater and when you wake up, realize that the kids have hung lights and ornaments all over you.

CANDICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
You'll regret your decision to try ice skating when you fall down through the ice... at the skating rink.

AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You'll decide it's finally time to get serious about your weight when you can't find a scarf that fits you.

REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20)
When they see you, Christmas carolers in front of your house will quit singing "O Holy Night"  and go into rousing chorus of "I Like Big Butts".