Failure Is Not An Option (Just a Vaguely Unsettling Possibility)

This journey can be exhilarating, can be galvanizing, can be life-affirming, but I sometimes forget the flip side of that coin…

This journey can be disconcerting, can be heart-wrenching , can be more than any rational person can be expected to even hope to endure.

Kevin at Jogging Clydesdale and I just recently discovered each other’s blogs, and he’s apparently hit a really rough patch of road…

Yeah, I've been avoiding this for some time. My blog is bullshit. My "lifestyle change" is bullshit. The words I write here are as much to convinice myself as it is to convince you that I desire change. I've worked with a group of friends, my Warriors, who helped me be accountable. But in a brief insight of honesty, I realized I was trying to convince them as well rather than really put myself in their hands. I've thought I've hit bottom many times and decide from here on out it's gonna be by the book. But.... I like to eat. I like to find comfort in food. When I am stressing, it hits the spot. I've not really found the bottom.



You know, while I was thinking about writing this today, I ate 5 oreo cookies, two slices of pizza, a "snack sized" bag of chips and two halves of a cinnamon roll? Did I mention I am supposedly on a low carb diet? I have put back on 50 of the 62 pounds I lost in 2008-2009. Yes, my life is a mess--you'll have to trust me on that one. Stress is a factor. But it is also a cop out.



Somehow I thought this blog might help inspire me to run and gain back that health I've lost since last summer. And it has, in a way. But who really wants to read about a 40 year old man who struggles with negative self talk? How many ways can I describe the beauty of asphalt and concrete lined with perfect green lawns through suburbia?



Bleeh.



What's more, I finally came across the blog I wish I had made. Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit is the blog I wish I could have realized. But I couldn't have because I am not Jack Sh*t. He says what needs to be said. He pulls no punches with himself or with his audience, but he does it with humor and incredible support for those with whom he is sharing his journey. In particular, one of his older posts, Just Means Well or Well, Just Mean? just really hit me over the head like a tonne of bricks. Like the blogger he is dialoging with in that post, I find it very easy to rationalize or ignore just how much I am working against myself in trying to lose this weight. Jack doesn't give him any squirm room, but is nonetheless 100% supportive of his online fitness buddy.



I need to decide soon if I really am committed or if I'm just playing games. One of Jack's regular features is to have his reader's write down why they are trying to get fit or lose weight on a note card, take a pic of them holding it, and sending it in.



I've been doing this for more than two years now. I don't know what I'd write.



Clydesdale Jog will be taking a brief intermission as I grow a pair and get my headspace right.


Reading his heart-felt words, what ran through my mind was this: there but for the grace of God go I.

I mean it. I realize how lucky I am that the stars lined up in order for me to enjoy a great deal of success on both the weight loss and blogging fronts. I got some support early in the game, and that kept my enthusiasm high for both my diet/exercise plan and building up this site.

I like to think I would have achieved success under any circumstances, but I can't say with any certainty that's the truth.

Here’s the comment I left at Jogging Clydesdale:


CJ, before I started this blogging adventure 18 months ago, I was as lost as you seem to be right now. It seemed as though I'd start a new diet every Monday morning and would be elbow deep in a plate of nachos by the weekend. I was out of control and nearly out of my mind. I've got a few years on you, so I understand just how hard it is to get the ball rolling.



What did it for me was a long weekend home all by my lonesome. I found a weight-loss blog called Steve version 4.6 that really resonated with me. It was a guy roughly my size, roughly my age, roughly my weight, who had lost a tremendous amount of weight doing nothing more than eating a little better and exercising a little more. Best of all, he blogged every day about his experience. 



That was the blog I wanted to write, but we're each different. We each bring our own gifts, our own personalities to the party. Early on, I found myself gravitating to using humor to get through my everyday blogging, because if I had blogged about what I was eating, what I was doing, I'd have about six readers today. 



Most of all, I embraced the fact that this is a lifetime commitment. I've yoyo'd too many times in my life, and just don't know if I've got any more big losses left in the tank. 



Take a break and recharge, if you think that's what's best, but I'd tell you that turning my back on blogging would lead me back to my old ways pretty quickly. I have a blogging buddy who got down to goal weight, closed up his blogging shop and promptly gained 50 lbs in about three months. 



But you're right about one thing: you really DO need to identify WHY you want to do this, WHAT exactly you're willing to sacrifice in order to achieve it.

It isn't easy and it won't happen overnight, but it will change your life in a real and profound way. 



Email me anytime you want (jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com) if you have any questions or just need a sounding board. 



Take care, my friend.

I hope Kevin finds his missing mojo, and I pray you find the support and encouragement you need along the way as well.

We all, each of us, need all the help we can get along the way.


Note: If this was just entirely too much of a Debbie Downer for you on this fine Monday morning, you can skip over to Eating Journey for a little Jack Sh*t kookiness. Mmmmm... kookies.