Phrases You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Doctor

• “You’re too big for a standard blood pressure test, so we’re going to have to take it rectally.”

• “Can you please put down the fudgecicle during the examination?”
  
  
• “Here’s some gastric bypass and sideshow carnival brochures.”
  
  
• “I’m writing you a prescription for a new pill that makes all food taste like cedar chips.”
  
  
• “I’m going to have to charge you for that broken scale.”
  
  
• “Your good cholesterol is bad, your bad cholesterol is worse, and your really bad cholesterol is completely out of whack.”
  
  
• “I’m writing up your case study for the new issue of Morbid Obesity Today.”
  
  
• “Dammit! I was halfway through with your breast exam before I realized this is your back!”
  
  
• “I’m sorry, but there’s no such thing as a nacho cheese IV.”
  
  
• “Now lift your chins up.”
  
  
• “Nurse… have you ever seen anybody this fat?”
  
  
• “Side effects may include one or more of the following: brain hemorrhage, oily discharge, twisty colon, explosive diarrhea and complete kidney shutdown.”
  
  
• “No more cake for you.”
  
  
• “Your blood type appears to be Rocky Road.”
  
  
• “The bad news is that the diabetes is so bad that we’re going to have to remove your legs. The good news is that somebody in the waiting room wants to buy your sneakers.”