Advance and Retweet

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I give you some old stuff so I can rest up and think up new stuff. Today I'm dredging up a bunch of tweets from the Sh*tter Twitter. If this kind of nonsense floats your boat, then hop aboard my Twitter feed right here.

• Trying to write tonight but I've got irritable vowel syndrome...
  
  
• Plumber to me: has somebody been using the hot water heater as a kickboxing bag?
  
  
• Maybe it's just me, but I don't mind paying a little extra to buy orgasmic fruits and vegetables.
  
  
• Mechanic just told me I need to rotate my tires. They're always rotating, dumbass! How do you think I got here?
  
  
• Wife mad that I paid five bucks for stress ball. Said I could've just filled a balloon with sand. Way to stress me out even more, Anita!
  
  
• Does anybody know where I can find a Rubick's Cube where all the sides are the same color?
  
  
• Monday morning and I'm back on the wagon. I really think they should put seat-belts on this thing....
  
  
• Martinis are like breasts; one isn't enough and three is too many.
  
  
• Not sure about runner's high, but I'm pretty sure I just attained a drinker's high.
  
  
• I love airports. I just saw a guy that looks like that guy from that TV show.
  
  
• Question: at a wine tasting and wondering if it's okay to ask for a straw...
  
  
• If you ask me, it should be against the law for your spouse to try to poison you.
  
  
• Fast and easy way to make granola: simply take a granola bar and crunch it up. It's just that easy!
  
  
• CPA gets all the way done with taxes before telling me I can't pay him in yarn. Shouldn't he have said that up front?
  
  
• I really consider you all to be part of my family. Pls remember that if the IRS calls you about my return...
  
  
• I'm gonna use my tax refund to buy a new iPhone... app.
  
  
• Tonight I'm taking my wife Anita to the fanciest restaurant in town (that accepts coupons).
  
  
• I'm not jumping out of cake for you until we agree that I can eat as much as I want while I'm in there waiting...