"Same Old Sh*t" Saturday... The Tweet Edition

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where laziness rules the day! Just to mix things up a bit, I thought I'd gather some of my favorite 140-words-or-less tidbits from the Sh*tter Twitter. Here are some of my least sucky twitterlings...

• Dammit. Got halfway finished with a post for my site: "Crochet a Bit with Jack Sh*t," then realized that's one of my imaginary blogs.
• I don't know about my personal trainer; she told me to do jumping jacks for an hour in the parking lot.
• I think it's time for you to take a good hard look in the mirror. BTW, did I mention I'm a door-to-door mirror salesman?
• I just went to Subway and asked 'em to give me what that Jared guy got: a million dollar endorsement contract.
• I've invented this brand new kind of push-up where you lie on your back, and... well, I haven't worked out all the details yet.
• Went to new restaurant last night called Hillbillies' Chili's. Shouldn't have ordered the "Awesome Possum."
• I tried lighting a candle at both ends, and guess what: TWICE AS MUCH LIGHT. Don't listen to what people say...
• I could have been rich if my mom hadn't thrown out my old baseball cards. And my trunk full of Krugerrands.
• Give a man a fish, he eats for a day; give him a fish restaurant, he eats for a lifetime.
• "I sure look good in these home movies," I told my wife, Anita. "That's a Bowflex commercial, dumbass," she replied.
• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, double shame on you! (I just don't see why I should accept any shame in this situation)
• I think I've been a victim of identity theft! No wait... I just found it under the sofa...
• I told my wife Anita I'd do laundry today, but I didn't know she meant clothes laundry!
• Wednesdays are always hard for me because I coined the phrase "hump day" and I never get any credit for it...
• Canned pumpkin is pretty good, but have you ever tried to make a jack-o-lantern out of it? Not pretty...
• Question: if you're gonna jump out of a cake, is it okay to eat some of it while you're in there waiting?
• Allergies are nothing to cough at... dohhhhh, I meant "sneeze at"... I had the perfect set-up and I BLEW IT. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
• I'm more a glass half full kinda guy than a glass half empty one, and... ewwwwwwww. There's a bug in my glass! A bug!
• At physical last week, the doc said my awesomeness was "off the charts" (waitaminute... that may have been my cholesterol).
• The spaghetti I made tonight was way too saucy. I think that's because I accidently put in "whoregano" (we were out of regular oregano)
• Question for the foodies: recipe calls for peppercorns... can I replace them with cornpeppers?
• Stopped by the Farmer's Market and got a half-pound of fresh overalls.
• Been all over town looking for Skim Milk Duds. Could it be possible that I just dreamed those up?
• What does it mean when the tea leaves at the bottom of your cup form a skull and crossbones? That you're going to meet a lucky pirate?