Imagine…You’re jerking open a bag of Lay’s, experiencing that singular anticipation of something salty and satisfying sliding down your gullet...
Suddenly, I appear out of nowhere and smack the bag out of your hand. Before you can do much more than release an astonished gasp, my size 13 Converse is stomping the everloving sh*t out of those chips while I laugh a decidedly evil laugh.
BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No, I can’t really slap that bag of chips outta your hands, even though just thinking about doing such an audacious thing puts a silly smile on my kisser.
Yes, I’m a big enough man (figuratively) to admit it: I get a sick thrill to think about following you around and forcing you to act right.
Make you think about eating right because you’re worried about my snide comment or fierce glare.
Make you think about stuffing your face because you’re worried about me getting up in your grill.
Make you keep a watchful eye on the rear-view mirror while you’re in the drive-thru lane, worried that some overprotective psycho is going to ram your vehicle from behind.
See… that made me smile again.
I’d love to be your personal Diet Nazi, your weight-loss enforcer.
A bodyguard in the truest sense of the word.
I need one, too. Someone to ride shotgun and talk me down from the ledge when I think about straying off plan. Someone to provide a little tough love when… well, when the going gets tough. Someone who loves me enough to rough me up when I need roughing up.
Unfortunately, I can’t slap you around or impose my will on you by intimidation or force. I can’t do that for you, and you can’t do that for me.
But we can watch each other’s backs as we blog our journey to a fitter life. We can help keep each other honest, help keep each other on the straight and narrow. I got your back... you got mine.
Isn’t that what a bodyguard’s for, after all?
To keep us safe.
A bodyguard would be a REALLY nice thing to have, but we all do have each other, which kinda rocks.
ReplyDeleteHey, how'd you get my picture? I don't remember posing for that! Dang paparazzi!
ReplyDeleteUm, I laughed out loud at the Size 13 Converse. Bah!! You would wear converse.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously. SO glad to have you in my corner. Except for the smell of sh*t, of course.
Um Jack, what's 'Lay's'? Are they crisps?
ReplyDeleteWhat time can you be here?
ReplyDeleteA foodguard would come in handy right about now.
Do you think I could hire someone to do this for me full time? Maybe they could be paid in the things they keep me from eating. I try to eat a cookie and they eat it instead.
ReplyDeleteLays are a brand of potato chips from the devilmongers at FritoLay. Waitaminute, you folks call chips "crisps" or "stones" or something, don't you? ;)
ReplyDeleteYES!!! I need a big angry dude to pop outta the shadows and make me act right! LOL...or a team of them--as I lift something horrible to my lips they'll crash in, "swarm, swarm!" and just annihilate that crap! :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm sending my address via email. I will pay you handsomely for saving me from myself!
ReplyDeleteJack our Lays are ironically called "Walkers"
ReplyDeleteI saw the title of the post and thought it was going to be a song makeover of Rob Zombie's "I'm Your Boogie Man." LOL
ReplyDelete"I'm your bodyguard. Yeah, that's what I am."
Good post, Mr Sh*t.
So... a personal trainer that follows you around 24/7?
ReplyDeleteIs it free? I'll take one, please.
I am glad you are my side of this whole thing!!!
ReplyDeleteI think I'm gonna have nightmares! lol :)
ReplyDeleteGreat idea, just think of all the frequent flier miles you will be racking up helping all of those people keep their hands outta the goodie cabinet! lol :)
I'm excited about blogging for this very reason. When I've done other wl programs in the community, I still felt like I couldn't be open and honest--I was afraid of the judgment and of still saying the wrong thing. At least online, I feel I can be more honest and admit when I ate the entire house--hoping to be honest with self and receive honest feedback from others who've been there.
ReplyDeleteHa! Yeah, that made my day...especially since I had some Sour Cream & Onion Chips yesterday...not a lot, and it was within my "budget" But how funny is that?
ReplyDeleteNow, whenever I think about eating something out of plan, I'll imagine you dressed as that Doritos Samurai from the Super Bowl commercial, and that just might give me pause!
It's good to know you're in the neighborhood, Jack.
ReplyDeleteOMG the picture has me in stitches!!! LOL!!!! I'm glad you're watching my back and I'm watching yours. I really look forward to the humor. Thanks for being there. :)
ReplyDeleteI think we're about the same height. Ish. We could fight together back to back. They'd never touch us!
ReplyDeleteWait a second ... That means you want me to put the cookie down don't you? Gotta catch it!
Well, you do look a little like Kevin Costner now, so I guess you'd make a pretty good bodyguard.
ReplyDeletethere's lots of backs out there, but I got yours :)
ReplyDeleteThis would not work for me...although the thought is great. See, I'm always packin' my piece and if I want my chips...I just see an ugly ending to this situation. Ok, I'm just kidding. Everytime I see chips, think about chips, or want chips...I'm going to remember this post. Thanks for keeping my nutrition plan honest.
ReplyDeleteAs much as I would love for you to be Kevin Costner to my Whitney Houston, I already have this bald guy in my mirror who helps me out.
ReplyDeleteANNNND IIIIII, EEEEIIIII, WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!!!!!
lol, sorry, antijared is killing me with that song, lol......I forgot what my comment was going to be, lol....
ReplyDeleteI got your back.. now get to the gym with me & I will really work you more than you can imagine! :-)
ReplyDeleteHey we all need to be slapped around every once and awhile. LOL!
ReplyDelete~Kellie
ROFL Lovin' the visuals on this one. If only I really could have someone knocking donuts out of my hand. You could market this idea, seriously. I would pay for that service. lol
ReplyDeleteDude, sign me up! lol Thanks for the laugh, and the reminder that we are all here for each other. (It *so* would be great to have a boody-guard (body + food = boody), though!)
ReplyDeleteHow about a shock collar that gives you a good old zap every time you get near the kitchen after 7pm? Who's got some money to invest in my idea?
ReplyDeleteAlrighty I am going to have to think of this post next time I get the urge to eat something truley horrible. I'll think of how Jack Sh*t would be giving me sh*t for eating that way and "calmly put the cookie down"...
ReplyDeleteYou crack me up every time...just sayin'...
ReplyDeleteOh how I need you! Sunglasses, machine gun and all!
ReplyDeleteI see. If I want to eat my chips, I need to work out hard enough to be able to take you down before you stomp on them. That might work, motivation-wise.
ReplyDeleteJack, will you be my body guard? pretty please :-)
ReplyDeleteRemember on the Flintstones when Fred had that fellow oinking at him? This post brings that all back.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to print a pic of that dude out. That would fo' sho' keep me on my toes.
ReplyDeleteThanks for safeguarding our overindulgent appetites! Again...
ReplyDeleteIs it wrong that you threatening to stomp on a bag of chips/crisps made me feel safe???
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful blog. It made me feel cared about even though I have only read your blog for a short time! What a great ability you have to make your blogs feel like they are written just for the person reading.
You are completely right... a simple equation~ then why is it so hard to get? I think I am finally getting it but we will see what the scale says when I get a new battery on Thursday
ReplyDeleteAm I really the first one to comment this:
ReplyDeleteIf you'll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you Betty
and Betty when you call me
YOU CAN CALL ME AL!
This post is too funny! Maybe you need to stand next to those cute little girl scouts and knock the boxes out of their hands... I've already got one box down... They are evil.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love your blog. It makes me laugh every day. I had fallen off the wagon for about a week and now I am getting back on track. I didn't do too horrible, but I definitely wasn't purposeful in what I was eating. I can just imagine you slapping the bag of pepperoni out of my hand! Thinking about this is bringing tears to my eyes I am laughing so hard. Don't worry, I am back on track now!
ReplyDeleteI would love to have a food bodyguard! Thanks for making me laugh. Nice way to end the day. -- Sue
ReplyDeleteBetter rethink the idea of claiming you got my back... I appreciate it and would like the help but do you have any idea of the square footage of ground you're going to have to cover to watch my back that it would entail? Get a team together first.
ReplyDeleteCheck out my "determination" blog post I just put up... I've already brought in a special forces guy. Maybe you can keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't goof off.
-Alan of Foolsfitness
um.....dude......
ReplyDeleteI think that is called "stalking..."
But don't hold me to that...
And don't get upset.
please...
lol.
Sometimes, I'm like this with my boyfriend. He often just laughs in my face no matter how firm I am with him avoiding junk food.
ReplyDeleteHey Jack, been reading your blog for a few weeks now and really enjoy it. Thanks for writing it.
ReplyDeleteThis post made me want a comment because I realize how incredibly blessed I am to have a partial "enforcer" in my brother. He's such a peach, always giving me pep talks, pushing me to work out, literally taking food away and making horrid comments that deter me long after he's left.