Opposite Day

I’m sick and tired of all this weight-loss mumbo-jumbo. I come on here every day and write something silly or pen something sappy, and you come waste your time skimming over whatever hodgepodge gobbledygook I happen to fart out.

So in the spirit of completely phoning a post in, here’s some tips to make sure your next weigh-in doesn’t drop you too, too much…

• You don’t have to workout on days that end in “y”.
• Dog paddling can burn up to 10 calories an hour; dog paddling in water will burn even more.
• Driving by a YMCA earns you three activity points
• That tuna salad could use a little more mayonnaise
• Wearing sweatpants in public isn’t always perceived as a sign of giving up
• Low energy can cramp your style… and nothing provides a quicker energy boost than Twix bars dipped into a can of vanilla frosting.
• Most Mexican restaurants will keep bringing you baskets of chips if you ask.
• Most scales are generally five pounds “off,” so be sure and take that into account before registering your WI numbers
• If you go to one of those fancy gyms with the treadmills with the TV sets built right in and you just stand there and watch the Soap Opera Channel for an hour… hey, that still counts.
• Eat smaller meals throughout the day… roughly every 20 minutes.
• If you have a good weight-loss week, you deserve to blow it out over the weekend.
• If you’re looking for a substitute for butter on your toast in the morning, why not try fudge?
• Staying up all night farting around on the internet is just as good as sleeping eight hours.
• People will tell you that eating too many carbs is bad for you, which is why I encourage you to quit listening to people so much.
• If you wear a wide belt, nobody will notice that you have your pants unbuttoned.
• A glass of half-and-half has a tremendous amount of calcium.
• If nobody sees you eat it, it doesn’t count against you.
• Make it your goal to be more like Jillian; that is, be a total bitch to everyone around you.
• You know what’s a good appetite suppressant? Belgian waffles and syrup! I don’t know why it works, but it does.

I take my Opposite Day responsibilities extremely seriously, so I plan on leaving comments all over the weight-loss blogosphere today and passing on some really horrible advice.

Have a craptastic day and an even worse weekend.

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