More Really Bad Weight-Loss Advice

I plan on getting pretty serious come January 1st, so please allow me the opportunity to get just a bit of silliness out of my system before we all shift it back into high gear…

• Keep a canister of helium near your scale and take in a big lungful before you weigh in.
• If you must eat fudge, be sure and wash it down with a Diet Coke.
• They couldn’t call them “Apple Jacks” if they didn’t have real apples in them, dumbass.
• It doesn’t matter if you do one pushup or one hundred, so I always just do one.
• A homemade licorice headband is stylish and can help you keep your energy up during a workout.
• If you insist, most waiters and waitresses will give you a “wild-ass guess” at how many calories are in various entrees.
• Keep in mind that old saying: “Tired? I feel ya… here’s a shot of Tequila.”
• When adding up the calories from the frozen yogurt with sprinkles and frozen cookie dough you just ordered, don’t forget to subtract the calories of all the toppings you could have ordered but didn't from the total.
• Baked Cheetos are pretty good, especially if you give ‘em a whirl in a Fry Daddy.
• One time this guy was jogging and he dropped dead; I’m not saying you shouldn’t jog... I’m just sayin’…
• Tight pants are in this season.
• To make a healthy banana split, substitute banana for the ice cream and ice cream for the banana (note: I’m still in the test phase, so I’m not absolutely sure this one’s good to go yet).
• If you take the recyclables down to the street on time, you win “immunity” and are allowed to skip one weigh-in.
• Drink lots and lots of water, or if you don’t have ready access to water, milkshakes.
• If you’re going to go through the fast food drive-thru no matter what, at least get some exercise by going through on a unicycle.
• Keep some snacks on a shelf close to your scale so you can scarf them down immediately after weighing in.