“Welcome to Corn Dog Warehouse, home of King Corng, the World’s Largest Man-Made Corn Dog. May I take your order?”
“Wow, that’s a mouthful. Do you have to say that to everyone?”
“Yes sir. Can I interest you a Colossal Corny Corn Dog Combo, it’s just $3.99.”
“Actually, I’m looking for something a little lighter…”
“How about our Junior Corndog Classic? It’s four feet of meat-and-cornmeal value meal deal.”
“Tempting… but I’m watching my diet.”
“Well, there’s our Crispy Cod Dog with a Candied Corn-on-the-Cob.”
“I don’t know…”
“It comes with our Bottomless Tub o’ Tartar.”
“That’s a no-go. Ummm, can you get the Whirly Curly Chili Cheese Fries without cheese?”
“No sir.”
“Why not?”
“Well, the fries are made of cheese.”
“Okay, do the Awesomely OuttaSite Onion Rings have onions in them?”
“Duh, they’re called Onion Rings…”
“But do they have onions in them?”
“Sir, they’re onion rings…”
“But if I cut off the crusty coating, will I find a ring of onion inside?”
“No sir.”
“What’s your soup de jour?”
“That’s our soup of the day.”
“Okay, what is it?”
“Today’s soup is Cornball Classic.”
“I get the ‘corn,’ but what’s the ‘ball’?”
“Ummmm… a ball of lard.”
“Pass. Do you have anything even halfway healthy?”
“Sure, we’ve got the Corndog Warehouse Halfway Healthy Menu.”
“What’s on it?
“Wait, lemme check. Nobody’s ever ordered from it before. Okay… here we go. Salad-on-a-Stick.”
“That sounds tempting. What’s on it?”
“A lettuce leaf, cherry tomato, six croutons, four cheddar cheese chunks and two strips of crispy bacon, all arranged on a stick and then dipped in tangy ranch dressing.”
“Pass. What else’s on the Halfway Healthy menu?”
“Hmmmmm… Yogurt-on-a-Stick…”
“Sounds messy.”
“Yeah, I don’t recommend that one, even though it is non-dairy, ummmm…”
“What’s the Tofu-oot Long Special?”
“We discontinued that after that report that our tofu was actually made of tripe.”
“Ewwwww…”
“But we have started offering Fried Tripe Strips.”
“That’s it then, that’s everything that’s halfway healthy?”
“Well, we still offer our Meatless, Wheatless Eat Less Special.”
“That’s just a corn dog stick, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“All right. Give me two. To go.”
“Would you like fries with that?”
LOL!
ReplyDeleteI have to admit though - one of things I love about American fast food is the Corn Dog, I'd always wanted to try one and I had one at my first live baseball match... and was hooked on both the corn dogs AND the baseball!!
AHHH! That's so hilarious!!!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely NOT the place to go if you're trying to eat healthy food :P
ReplyDeletei have never had a corn dog in my life. can't say i'm interested either. this post actually made me a little ill. :S perhaps that's a good thing??
ReplyDeleteLOL! Thanks for the laugh today Jack, I really, really needed it!! :) I never much liked corn dogs...always gagged me...too much fat and grease I guess. But my mom was noshing on one the other day, and I could smell the mustard, and the cornmeal, and Lord help me the grease, and for a second there....I wanted one SOOOO bad...and then I remembered....wtf, I don't even LIKE THEM!!! Crazy how your mind messes with you like that!
ReplyDeleteLOL
ReplyDeleteI've never eaten a corn dog...this will not give me the warm fuzzies about trying one either *laughs*
Salad on a stick. a lettuce leaf cherry tomato cheese chunks and croutons..lmao.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a Mcdonals 'side' salad. blech. Funny
aww man I LOVE corn dogs! Oh and YES I do make those in a healthy way of course. You reminded me to make them soon- THX! :)
ReplyDeletelol American Food...! As a Brit, I was really taken aback when I ordered a starter of fried vegetables with ranch dressing - there was enough to feed four people as a main!
ReplyDeleteHa ha! Funny!
ReplyDeleteBleah. I hate corn dogs. The very thought makes me feel sick. Those of you who've never tried one--you're not missing anything. Really.
Surely you don't think a place called Corn Dog Warehouse has a healthy choice.
ReplyDeleteOh...was that the point? Or? ;)
Sounds like my 10 day stint and 5 day stint at two county fairs in Aug and Sept. Vendors have zero healthy food choices....I packed my lunch and dinners most days.
ReplyDeleteDid you see that Oprah ate deep fried twinkie and deep fried butter at the Texas State fair. Mmmmmmm.
That reminds me of some of the restaurants around here... the healthy choice is a 1000 calorie salad. :P
ReplyDeleteBut mmmm, corn dog. Must be about lunch time 'round here...
Greta--I grew up in Texas and I have to say the state is proud of its fried food. Each year the vendors at the fair try to out do each other. I think the "fried butter" was the winner this year. Doesn't exactly make me proud to be a Texan.
ReplyDeleteJack--I've had similar experiences with some restaurants. "What do you have thats healthy?" Fried green beans. Ummm...yeah.....no.
This post was one of your corniest yet
ReplyDeletehahaha, thats how i feel sometimes at restaurants- isn't there ANYTHING healthy here!?
ReplyDeletekeep making us laugh!! =)
xo
bluenotes
todieortodiet.blogspot.com
okay, just read greta's comment...and
ReplyDeleteDEEP FRIED BUTTER!!!????
I think I just threw up in my mouth.
One blogger just reported that she tried the Deep Fried Butter at the Texas fair and it was awesome. (?)
ReplyDeleteI am not a corn dog girl, I like my dogs with hair and legs. But, my kids love anything on a stick. This morning the 8 year old had a Sausage on a Stick (those things wrapped in pancake batter). No flames, I only let him eat that stuff because he actually needs to gain weight. If I put some salad on a stick they would definitely eat it!
That was great! Had me laughing out loud.
ReplyDeleteGREAT! But, I hate to say that this might be out there somewhere, especially after the news of the fried butter at the fair!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, can I get directions to that place?
;-)
corny? yes, but deep, philosophical , meaningful corn!
ReplyDeletetwo things you never want to see produced, sausage, and public policy. eeek!
Isn't tripe...cooked blood? Or is that tripen?
ReplyDeleteEither way, nice take on what's really in fast food...
Oh, sorry, Sunshine Mama always gets the cherry but, nice try.
At least you didn't end up at the Horn Dog Warehouse. They have some reallllly scary stuff there.
ReplyDeletehilarious!
ReplyDeleteLOL! Too funny. It is actually a scary reality in lots of places, though they're not as up front about it... :)
ReplyDeleteBravo Jack....effing hilarious! lol :)
ReplyDeleteLOL! Thanks, now I want a corn dog!
ReplyDeleteomg- Good Burger is the best movie!
ReplyDeleteJack, sorry to be all British but what the bloody hell is a corn dog? sounds innocuous enough but on that picture it sounds MINGIN!!!!!
ReplyDeletePlease enlighten!!
ALSO - thanks for following me on twitter!!!
Liz x
AHAHAH! Yogurt on a stick. Sorry, that cracked me the hell up!
ReplyDeleteTo Watching and Weighting-a corn dog is a hot dog dipped in batter and deep fried. And it's deli...erm I mean..gross.
making me crack a wide smile as usual.
ReplyDeletelove it.
I grinned as I read it. Awesome.
ReplyDeleteYogurt on a stick that's not even dairy... Made me laugh out loud.