An Over-the-Top Challenge

Chris at A Deliberate Life recently singled me out for an “Over the Top” award with the specific challenge that I had to find a way to make the one-word answers to this somewhat pedestrian questionnaire halfway interesting (actually, a few others tagged me with this one as well, but Chris had to go and make a big to-do about it with the big challenge and all). After struggling with it for almost a minute, I decided to handle this the same way my credit card company would: say anything I want and add a sh*tload of asterisks and disclaimers.*

1. Where is your cell phone? off*
2. Your hair? haircut*
3. Your mother? birthday*
4. Your father? four*
5. Your favorite food? sushi*
6. Your dream last night? mazes*
7. Your favorite drink? Macchiato*
8. Your dream/goal? no*
9. What room are you in? spicy*
10. Your hobby? writing*
11. Your fear? kids*
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? fit*
13. Where were you last night? basketball*
14. Something that you aren't? flexible*
15. Muffins? dentist*
16. Wish list item? robots*
17. Where did you grow up? Memphis*
18. Last thing you did? multitasked*
19. What are you wearing? jeans*
20. Your TV? three*
21.Your pets? numerous*
22. Friends? competitive*
23. Your life? busy*
24. Your mood? pretty*
25. Missing someone? robust*
26. Vehicle? Batmobile*
27. Something you’re not wearing? Sinatra*
28. Your favorite store? Costco*
29. Your favorite color? black*
30. When was the last time you laughed? this*
31. Last time you cried? movie*
32. Your best friend? Anita*
33. One place that I go to over and over? gym*
34. One person who emails me regularly? Geoff*
35. Favorite place to eat? home*

1. *Where is your cell phone? It’s probably in my car, turned off. I’m not a big cell phone guy. I looked all over for one that only make outgoing calls–wouldn’t even accept incoming calls. I probably wouldn’t even have one if it wasn’t the tether I use to keep track of my kids. And I’m still not sure I believe my 17-year-old’s explanation that “sexting” stands for “study texting” and that she has to do it for school.
2. *Your hair? Luckily, I think I got my grandfather’s hair. He got a haircut every two weeks until he died (after which, he went down to once a month). I got mine cut last weekend, and the stylist always stops in the middle and kinda makes a face. “Don’t try to make any sense out of it,” I tell her. “Just go for low maintenance and try to make me not look like a psycho hillbilly.”
3. *Your mother? Shirley still gives me a lot of grief because I forgot her birthday a couple of years ago. I didn’t forget to call her. I just forgot that it was her birthday when I called her. She was waiting for the birthday greeting and I was complaining about the kids or work or something. Finally, she realized that I had no idea what day it was. My advice to you? Don’t ever do that.
4. *Your father? Horace doesn’t care if I forget his birthday or not, but I never do because it’s four days after Shirley’s.
5. *Your favorite food? I love Indian and Thai food (not mixed together, stupid), but based on how much of it I eat, I’d probably have to say that sushi tops the ranking right now. There’s nothing quite like riding the Wasabi Express… Woooo wooooooo!
6. *Your dream last night? I seem to dream a lot about mazes, big buildings were I get turned around and can’t find my way. Can’t imagine what that might possibly mean…
7. *Your favorite drink? Before I ditched my coffee habit, my favorite drink was a Starbuck’s Caramel Macchiato, which was basically a cup of coffee with a Milky Way bar melted inside and whipped cream on top. I know, it’s hard to imagine that I was ever obese.
8. *Your dream/goal? I’m pretty adamant that I have no set goal in mind on the weight-loss front. I honestly believe I’ll know it when I see it. But I will say that I’m lighter today than I’ve been in probably 25 years… and I’m still having consistently good losses.
9. *What room are you in? My daughter Pisa and her friend had set up a tent in the backyard and had adorned it with all kinds of decorations. When I poked my head in to look, Pisa said “Welcome to our Spicy Crib.” When we converted an old guest room into a media center with big-screen TV and big comfy chairs, we dubbed it The Spicy Crib and even put a plaque on the door proclaiming it as such. It’s where I do some of my best work.
10. *Your hobby? I have always enjoyed writing, in all kinds of platforms and all kinds of different styles. I like writing dialogue, I like rhyming, I like experimenting with language. I just generally like playing with words. The positive feedback I get on this blog only makes me want to push the boundaries even farther. If I’ve never thanked you for that… well, thank you for that.
11. *Your fear? I think I have every parent’s overriding fear: that something is going to happen to their kids. I once read that they don’t let the Coca-cola executives who know the secret Coke recipe to ride on an airplane together, I don’t particularly like all my daughters riding together in cars (unless I’m driving). Is that morbid?
12. *Where do you want to be in 6 years? I don’t particularly care where I am, but I do hope that I’m still fit and healthy, still happy and productive. That’s all any of us can ask for, isn’t it?
13. *Where were you last night? I was playing basketball, which still has my family on pins and needles because I was lying on the bathroom floor writhing in pain with a pinched nerve in my back a couple of weeks ago.
14. *Something that you aren't? Even when I’ve been at my fittest, I have never been very flexible. During my assessment with the personal trainer, she wrote 2 times 4 under “Flexibility.” I asked what that meant and she replied “It means you’re about as flexible as a two-by-four.”
15. *Muffins? I think my dentist pulled my sweet tooth when I was younger, because I’ve always had a take-‘em-or-leave-‘em attitude toward cakes, ice cream and candy. At my fattest, I ate them, but not as much as the salty crap-foods.
16. *Wish list item? I spent ten years of my life scouring the earth for an original set of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. I thought my life would be complete if I ever found them. Then Ebay came along, and I discovered that I could fill my house with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots if I wanted to. Sometimes the chase is more fun that the aquisition, I think.
17. *Where did you grow up? I was born in Memphis, but when I was young we moved to Memphis. I went to high school in Memphis, but wound up in college in Memphis. I married and raised my family in Memphis, but now we’re in Memphis.
18. *Last thing you did? I multitasked. I’m used to having multiple balls up in the air at one time. I’m uncomfortable unless my world is spinning, apparently.
19. *What are you wearing? I love wearing jeans, and am happy that I can wear ‘em most every day. I have started wearing more fashionable trousers since I’ve dropped the weight. Last time I was this size, I apparently got a little pants-happy for a spell.
20. *Your TV? I finally splurged last year and bought a big-screen TV. It’s great, even though it takes three remotes and an advanced electronics degree to watch a DVD.
21. *Your pets? Since we moved into our current home, my family has had numerous pets, including horses, chickens, dogs, gerbils, cats, a parrot, hamsters, mice, snakes, fishies and a rabbit named Elvis Parsley.
22. *Friends? All my friends that I’ve played basketball with all my life are breaking down physically and are all transitioning to golf. I like golf okay, but only on weekdays during work hours. And I hate playing with them because they’re all so competitive and going “You gotta play the ball where it lies” and “Five feet outside the hole is not a gimme.”
23. *Your life? Hectic as all get out. Things are extremely busy for me, but it’s a whole lotta fun.
24. *Your mood? Feeling pretty bombastic, especially since I have so much more energy after dropping this weight.
25. *Missing someone? I’m missing my old friend Robust E. Conomy. He blew outta town a couple of years ago and I haven’t seen him around these parts in quite some time.
26. *Vehicle? I like my cars like I like my James Bond movies, heavy on the gadgets. If I could get attractive leasing options, I’d drive the Batmobile.
27. *Something you’re not wearing? I’m not wearing a hat, but I sure like the idea of wearing a hat. I see Frank Sinatra wearing a chapeau and it looks so damn cool, but whenever I try one on it just doesn’t work. It looks like I’m trying to hide a big bald spot like every other guy wearing a hat. Either that or a hipster geek (probably with a bald spot).
28. *Your favorite store? I want to say Whole Foods because I really like that place, but I find myself at Costco about once a week, dropping about half a paycheck. I think it’s because they’re always adding new stuff that I tell myself that I can’t live without, such as heated foot massagers or a half gallon of Mediterranean sea salt.
29. *Your favorite color? Black, so black that it couldn't be any blacker even if you spilled ink all over it.
30. *When was the last time you laughed? I laugh at myself all the time. Actually the only thing that makes me laugh more than myself is this (I know, I know... don't give me grief–it just makes me laugh, okay?).
31. *Last time you cried? I took Pisa to see the movie Marley & Me and we both cried like little girls (at least she had the excuse of being a little girl… I had to pretend that my appendix had just burst).
32. *Your best friend? My wife Anita, the only person I know who’s funnier than me. I mean, the only person I know who thinks they’re funnier than me.
33. *One place that I go to over and over? I go to the gym around the corner just about every day. I’ve really got this workout thing down to a great routine now.
34. *One person who emails me regularly? Dr. Geoff, from the Wellsphere Healthblogger Network, loves him some Jack Sh*t, let me tell you. He hits me up regularly, trying to get me to give him my hard-earned work for nothing. He’s a pretty shrewd negotiator; since we began talking, he’s upped his offer from nothing to nada, then from nada to doodley-squat. I’m wavering… I’m wavering.
35. *Favorite place to eat? I had a few restaurants that used to be my favs, but now I truly appreciate eating at home. I get what I want, how much I need and I seldom if ever feel like bloated crap the next morning.


*Note to credit card companies. Just kidding, my friends. Please don’t slash my credit rating.