Honest Crap

Honestly, I’ve been trying to quietly ignore this award, but I’ve gotten it over and over, enough so that I suppose I just need to man up and accept it, along with the heavy dose of honesty that it demands.

What is the Honest Scrap Award anyway? According to the Internets:

This award is about bloggers who post from their heart, who oftentimes put their heart on display as they write from the depths of their soul.

The crux of this award, which was sent my way by Shmologna, screwdestiny, VRaz60 and Jogging Auburn (and possibly a couple of others), is that you have to relate ten things that are both honest and unknown to readers.

So here’s my ten things you probably didn’t know about me, and as much as I’m tempted to do another silly list of ridiculousness, I swear that all this is absolutely true.

1. I’m an awesome juggler. I can give you a Cascade, Reverse Cascade, Juggler's Tennis, Behind the Back, 3-Ball Flash, Boston Mess, and bring it home with a Cherry Picker. Hell, I can even eat an apple and keep the balls flying. Seriously, it’s the most impressive item on my resumé.

2. My daughter Holly was born at home in the bathtub. The home part was planned…the bath tub, not so much. It was a pretty peaceful process, just us and the midwives, up until the actual event. She wasn’t breathing when she was born, just completely blue. They called 911 and started recessitating her; never before, and never since have I been so frightened. They got her going about the time the paramedics, fire department and police showed up in my bathroom. I rode along in the ambulance because, apparently (my memory is a bit fuzzy), I told them that they didn’t bring enough guys to keep me outta that vehicle. It’s a long story, but it all turned out fine in the end. She had to spend a few lo-o-ong days in the NICU (newborn intensive care unit), but it was obvious that she was fine. She was a really big baby, and we were a little concerned that she was going to eat one of the preemies. After such a dramatic start, it’s little wonder that Holly has always been a stage performer.

3. When my wife Anita and youngest daughter Pisa were away on a month-long trip to Mexico, the rest of the family were put in charge of the care and feeding of Pisa’s corn snake Dominga. I don’t want to get into details, but suffice it to say “mistakes were made.” We tore the house up looking for the missing snake, but it was just nowhere to be found. One of my co-workers shuddered at the thought of a snake loose in the house. I said to her: “I’d rather wake up in the middle of the night with that b*tch wrapped around my neck than have to tell my daughter we lost her snake.” We emailed the crazy uncle who gave her the snake to begin with and he replied, “Don’t worry, just give me your FedEx account number and I’ll take care of everything.” The next day, a package arrived which contained an old Cool Whip tub. Inside the container: five baby corn snakes. When I was clearing up the FedEx charge with my company’s bookkeeper, I explained that it was for “emergency snake replacement.” “I don’t think you can send snakes via FedEx,” she told me. “Oh, I beg to differ,” I replied. “You just need access to Cool Whip technology and then you’re good to go.” We wound up giving away three of the new snakes, and still have two.

4. I once pissed off an NFL Hall of Fame quarterback. Here’s the thing: I’ve got no desire whatsoever for autographs. In fact, I think they’re kind of dumb and semi-pointless. Anyway, I was working on a project in New York City where we had Boomer Esiason as a spokesperson. He was a very nice, very personable guy and after we wrapped things up, somebody brought him some footballs to sign. He autographed each one of them personally to each individual. When he got to the last one, he said “Who do I make this out to?” and everyone turned to me. My reply? “Ummmm… the highest Ebay bidder?”

5. On a trip overseas to Crete to meet up the rest of my family for vacation, I let my 4-year-old daughter pack her own luggage. She brought an American Girl doll, galashes, four shirts, no pants, eleven pair of underwear and a flashlight.

6. One of my mom Shirley’s Mississippi kinfolk killed his father in an argument over a cigarette lighter.

7. If you watch any University of Memphis basketball home games on TV, chances are you’ll see me in courtside seats wearing a Mexican wrestling mask with a gold M on the forehead.

8. I have an uncle (again, on Shirley’s side of the family) who got drunk and ran into a train… in the middle.

9. I think about being old a lot. Not getting old, just being old. I see old people and I can feel the aches and pains of age in their eyes. I don’t know if it’s an entirely bad thing, because I feel a sense of urgency about life as well. Carpe diem and all that.

10. Whatever you get out of this blog (and I hope you do get something positive out of it from time to time), I get a great deal more. It’s my North Star on this weight loss journey. It keeps me aiming straight and helps me hold my course even when it would be a very simple thing to lose my way.

Most of the folks I would pass this award on to have already been pinged with it. But truthfully… and we’re still being honest here, right?... I really like all the blogs I follow, usually for a variety of different reasons. Some are funny, some are honest, some are homey, some are way out there… but they all make me smile for one reason or another.

Thanks again to everyone who singled me out for this distinction (I think).