Moving On Up

“My name is Dr. Geoff Rutledge, and I am delighted to invite you to join Wellsphere's HealthBlogger Network, the world's premier network of health writers, which now includes over 2,000 of the Web's leading health bloggers! We reviewed your blog, and based on the high quality of your writing, the frequency of your posts, and your passion for helping others, we think you would be a great addition to the Network. It is easy and free to join the HealthBlogger Network, all you have to do is reply to this message and let us know you would like to participate.”

The email, which I received yesterday, went on and on with a bunch of details regarding this incredible blogging deal, and the whole thing looks pretty sugar-sweet, so I’m going for it. Here’s my reply:

Dear Doctor Geoff,

As the kids say: “OMG!”

I was surprised, delighted, overwhelmed, amazed, enchanted, jubilant and made slightly woozy by your offer to bring Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit into the Wellsphere’s HealthBlogger Network. Was it my love letter to my skinny jeans that did the trick? The fitness center conversation starters? Confush*t says? No matter; all I can say is that it is quite an honor, and I promise to be the HealthBloggiest HealthBlogger that ever HealthBlogged!

However, in the spirit of openness and complete honesty, I do feel compelled to inform you that I was never actually awarded the “Really Sh*tty Weight Loss Blog” award that is displayed on my blog. As hard to believe as this may be, I made that award up in order to make myself more attractive to your organization.

If you still want JSGF after that startling revelation, I just have a few questions that will need to be answered before I’m ready to sign on…

1. Will being a part of the Wellsphere’s HealthBlogger network allow me to call myself “Doctor”? Will I be able to write prescriptions?
2. You say you have 5 million monthly visitors. Well, according to my records, I also have 5 million monthly visitors. If they’re all different people, that’s all well and good, but what if they’re all the same folks? Shouldn’t we check this out before hopping in bed with one another?
3. Occasionally, I will give extremely bad weight loss advice, such as “Make sure you drink at least a quart of YooHoo each day” or “There's no appetite suppressant quite as effective as bacon.” Will I need to run these kinds of tips past a panel of your health experts from now on?
4. Will my morbid fascination with taffy disqualify me from participating?
5. What if I write a parody that parodies another better-known parody?
6. How does this affect my other blogs, including (but not limited to) Learn to Knit with Jack Sh*t, Whittle a Bit with Jack Sh*t, and Jack Sh*t’s Guide to Go-Go Boot Collecting?
7. Will you help me figure out a way to add a feature that will make viewers’ computers freeze up if they leave a negative comment?
8. If this venture is a huge success and we develop a “Jack Sh*t” action figure, can we please make certain that he’s not hung like Ken?
9. Do I get a free t-shirt for joining like I did at the gym?
10. Is there any possibility of changing the name to the “Wellsh*t HealthBlogger Network”? That’s not a deal-breaker, but you’ve got to admit that it does have a nice ring to it.

Again, thanks so much for considering JSGF for inclusion in Wellsphere’s HealthBlogger Network. Together, we’re going to make people so healthy they can’t stand it!

Respectfully yours,


Jack Sh*t
Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit

I really feel like this association with the HealthBlogger network is going to give my blog the credibility that it has thus far been lacking. I'll keep you posted on the progress...