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Friday, July 10, 2009

My Name is Sh*t. Jack Sh*t.


Ever since I lost 00.7 lbs. at my last weigh-in, I’ve been haunted by visions of an overweight secret agent running around town and getting into high-fat trouble. Here’s my list of James Bond movies if 007 was 307...
  • Dr. No Willpower
  • From Russia With Lard
  • Thunderbaloney
  • You Only Eat Twice
  • On Her Majesty's Secret Snackrun
  • Donuts Are Forever
  • Live and Let Diet
  • The Man with the Golden Twinkee
  • The Spy Who Loved Meat
  • Moonpieraker
  • For Your Mouth Only
  • Chocopussy
  • A View to a Meal
  • License to Grill
  • Diet Another Day
  • Casino Fudge Royale
  • Quantum of Salsa
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64 comments:

  1. AceJuly 10, 2009 at 7:25 AM

    How do you come up with this stuff?? Hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kelly the Happy TexanJuly 10, 2009 at 7:31 AM

    ROFLOL! Love those. Had to read them to hubby. I live for puns. They say it's a sign of intelligence. :P

    ReplyDelete
  3. theantijaredJuly 10, 2009 at 7:48 AM

    Chocopussy?

    You are very creative!

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnnaJuly 10, 2009 at 7:49 AM

    ...and I thought "Octopussy" sounded dirty...

    *blush*

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anne HJuly 10, 2009 at 7:53 AM

    Live and Let Diet - Diet Another Day - I actually had been working on a post with that very same theme. We are linked together mentally, Jack. Incredible.
    MISH Money-PENNE was a looker, no?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Cole Walter MellonJuly 10, 2009 at 7:55 AM

    I left "Tomorrow Never Diets" on the table, Anne. Didn't want to overdo it, y'know...

    ReplyDelete
  7. WWSuziJuly 10, 2009 at 8:01 AM

    Donuts are forever :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. ShhhhhJuly 10, 2009 at 8:03 AM

    I'm not a Bond fan, but love the 'Donuts Are Forever' one. And only a handful of bloggers will understand why. ;)

    Notice the lack of sexual content in this comment.

    You're welcome. Heh.

    ReplyDelete
  9. BrightceteraJuly 10, 2009 at 8:05 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  10. RoxieJuly 10, 2009 at 8:11 AM

    You are a demi-god.

    ReplyDelete
  11. NewMeJuly 10, 2009 at 8:32 AM

    Great ones, Jack! BTW, "License to Grill" is the name of a TV show on the Food Channel here in Canada. It's one of husband's favourites!

    ReplyDelete
  12. GigiJuly 10, 2009 at 8:59 AM

    "The Man With the Golden Twinkie" sounds a little dirty to me. No wonder he's such a stud.

    ReplyDelete
  13. ShredFailJuly 10, 2009 at 9:15 AM

    *Snort*

    ReplyDelete
  14. TinaJuly 10, 2009 at 9:25 AM

    You are so creative. The last 2 were my fave!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. UnknownJuly 10, 2009 at 10:38 AM

    HEHE :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. ~closed~July 10, 2009 at 10:42 AM

    I'll have some quantum salsa and casino fudge royale for dessert. My husband, the man with the golden twinkie, will have the chocopussy.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Cammy@TippyToeDietJuly 10, 2009 at 10:45 AM

    That Agent 307 is my kinda guy.

    ReplyDelete
  18. AnonymousJuly 10, 2009 at 10:49 AM

    Hehe you said Lard :)
    Why do I find lard such a funny word?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Chellie has IssuesJuly 10, 2009 at 11:22 AM

    You are too funny!

    ReplyDelete
  20. javakitJuly 10, 2009 at 11:27 AM

    I'm following you after the " I lost the cupcake fight" comment...too funny!

    ReplyDelete
  21. starfish264July 10, 2009 at 12:05 PM

    These are quality, Jack. Dr No Willpower, might actually be the world's worst supervillain. Quick, go kill him!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. CandiceJuly 10, 2009 at 12:50 PM

    The Spy Who Loved Meat.

    Something I can relate to.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Fat DaddyJuly 10, 2009 at 2:36 PM

    How about the Golden Rib Eye?


    I hope you get paid for sh*t like this in your day job. Awesome post!!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Fat[free]MeJuly 10, 2009 at 4:56 PM

    LOL, another gem, Bond!

    ReplyDelete
  25. antgirlJuly 10, 2009 at 5:40 PM

    My favorite Bond line, "Let me expand your vocabulary." LOL

    ReplyDelete
  26. KarenJuly 10, 2009 at 7:12 PM

    What will you think of next?

    ReplyDelete
  27. DinaJuly 10, 2009 at 7:18 PM

    Chocopussy, and For Your Mouth Only? All hail the new Carlos.

    ReplyDelete
  28. TriciaJuly 10, 2009 at 7:21 PM

    I think I saw Chocopussy. It's from those same dudes that make BangBus, right?

    ReplyDelete
  29. DinaJuly 10, 2009 at 7:24 PM

    BangBus isn't real Tricia.

    ReplyDelete
  30. TriciaJuly 10, 2009 at 7:26 PM

    I know because at the end, they didn't give me the $300. And when I went to the cops, they wanted to arrest ME! So unreal, son.

    ReplyDelete
  31. DinaJuly 10, 2009 at 7:32 PM

    How'd you pay for your abortion then?

    ReplyDelete
  32. TriciaJuly 10, 2009 at 7:33 PM

    Falling down the stairs is free.

    (You always take shit too far!)

    ReplyDelete
  33. DinaJuly 10, 2009 at 7:35 PM

    It's topical! There was a thing on the news about a girl that said she did it for abortion money.

    ReplyDelete
  34. F. McButter PantsJuly 10, 2009 at 7:37 PM

    Another "BLOCKBUSTER" of a list. Well done Mr. Sh*t, well done!

    I have been going around saying Horace Sh*t and laughing all day. People think I am crazy....thanks alot!

    ReplyDelete
  35. TriciaJuly 10, 2009 at 7:39 PM

    She just said that so her dad wouldn't think she's slutty. Oh wait...

    ReplyDelete
  36. DinaJuly 10, 2009 at 7:49 PM

    too far, too far

    ReplyDelete
  37. ChristineJuly 10, 2009 at 8:10 PM

    Chocopussy....galore! rotflol. mmmmm. hersheys....yuck.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Cole Walter MellonJuly 10, 2009 at 8:31 PM

    Could everyone else please get out of the way and let Dina and Tricia talk for God's sake!

    Sorry, ladies. Carry on.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Anne HJuly 10, 2009 at 10:04 PM

    I am literally about to die laughing at the comments! This is one for the Jack Sh*t Hall of Fame. Must be the full moon...

    ReplyDelete
  40. IdaRJuly 11, 2009 at 2:38 AM

    I love a guy with a sense of humor.Would you marry me? No, wait, I'm already married. You aren't Mormon are you? (no offence intended if any real Mormons are reading this, but then again, would a real Mormon read this?)

    ReplyDelete
  41. wildfluffysheepJuly 11, 2009 at 3:25 AM

    Lmao. Love bond movies. Love this blog. Love the comments.

    the fave has to be... the man with the golden twinkee.

    ReplyDelete
  42. TriciaJuly 11, 2009 at 7:23 AM

    I'm Mormon and I read it every day.

    ReplyDelete
  43. DinaJuly 11, 2009 at 10:39 AM

    I'm a Jehovah, and I do too. Cults unite!

    ReplyDelete
  44. DinaJuly 11, 2009 at 5:21 PM

    Tricia's dad's nickname is "Thunderbologna" just ask her.

    ReplyDelete
  45. TriciaJuly 11, 2009 at 5:39 PM

    My dad is at that age where he wears the loosest boxers possible and when he sits on the couch, his balls are almost always on full display. That's why I don't go home in summertime anymore. It only took 3 summers to learn that lesson.

    ReplyDelete
  46. DinaJuly 11, 2009 at 5:40 PM

    cause you were too busy snapping photos obv.

    Dad + balls in the same sentence should be illegal.

    ReplyDelete
  47. TriciaJuly 11, 2009 at 5:42 PM

    That shirt should be illegal.
    OHHHH SICK BURN!

    ReplyDelete
  48. TriciaJuly 11, 2009 at 5:45 PM

    It once launched a thousand ships.

    One for each chin. :(

    ReplyDelete
  49. DinaJuly 11, 2009 at 5:50 PM

    I'm supposed to be the one ripping on you, quit beating me to the chase.

    Think your dad has "hard luck" tattooed on his nuts too?

    ReplyDelete
  50. TriciaJuly 11, 2009 at 5:52 PM

    I can tell you for a fact that he does not. As for his wang, you gotta do the research on that one.

    ReplyDelete
  51. DinaJuly 11, 2009 at 6:00 PM

    it says "Welcome to Jamaica have a great day"

    ReplyDelete
  52. Cole Walter MellonJuly 11, 2009 at 6:07 PM

    It's "Welcome to Jamaica, mon. Have a great day." Way to totally mess that up.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Cole Walter MellonJuly 11, 2009 at 6:07 PM

    And I haven't really seen Tricia's dad's wang.

    I mean, we have showered together, but I didn't peek.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Cole Walter MellonJuly 11, 2009 at 6:08 PM

    Your dad has one on his that says "Don't throw out those slides."

    ReplyDelete
  55. Cole Walter MellonJuly 11, 2009 at 6:09 PM

    And he pees in the shower like a racehorse.

    ReplyDelete
  56. TriciaJuly 11, 2009 at 6:11 PM

    You guys are lying. My dad would never want anyone near his penis to have a great day.

    ReplyDelete
  57. DinaJuly 11, 2009 at 6:13 PM

    want.to.die.

    where do you think I learned the peeing from? duh

    Jack Shit's dad's penis says

    "Quit posting knock knock jokes and write about your feelings"

    ReplyDelete
  58. Cole Walter MellonJuly 11, 2009 at 6:13 PM

    Even Wendy?

    ReplyDelete
  59. Cole Walter MellonJuly 11, 2009 at 6:14 PM

    Nah... his just has his name: HORACE

    ReplyDelete
  60. TriciaJuly 11, 2009 at 6:15 PM

    But his mom's vag says "Don't listen to your father, he's just upset about having a black president."

    ReplyDelete
  61. DinaJuly 11, 2009 at 6:15 PM

    oh yeah, like HORSE, knee slap time!

    ReplyDelete
  62. DinaJuly 11, 2009 at 6:19 PM

    I have "Wendy" tattooed on my penis too, small world.

    ReplyDelete
  63. GayleJuly 11, 2009 at 6:21 PM

    You never fail to make me laugh, even in my dark times :)

    ReplyDelete
  64. TriciaJuly 20, 2009 at 11:52 PM

    Gayle's dark times really killed this parade of comedy.

    ReplyDelete