Worst “Biggest Loser Finale” Recap Ever

Since I have the attention span of a gnat, I’m probably not the best source for a detailed recap of last night’s “Biggest Loser” finale. However, just in case you missed it and weren’t able to locate one of the other 10,000,000 recap articles on the internet, here goes…

First off, I can’t stand how they stretch this show out with the cliffhanger cuts to commercial, so I Tivo’d it and zipped through the commercials. Well, sometimes a little past the commercials. Okay, sometimes I watched entire segments at 12X normal speed.
But I think I got the gist of the entire thing.

First, Fancy Lady comes out and yaks. Motherhood has really brought out Fancy Lady’s self confidence, inner glow and cleavage. Past winners show up and still haven’t gained their weight back, so I lose a bet.

Next, we (America) have to decide which of two indentical twins to send to next season’s Biggest Loser (“Biggest Loser: Seperated Twins”). Uh oh, they have to go get their sweat on with Bob and Mean Girl. Good luck, twins!

Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. Whoa, is that Old Guy? Back up. Must be cuz Old Lady came out first. D*mn, those two must have been non-stop mall walking since they left the show. I think Old Guy’s a shoe-in to win the “Most Weight Lost at Home” award, especially since I’ve already watched the entire show and am writing this from memory.

Black Guy looks good, but not as good as he thinks he does. Black Girl looks better than she thinks she does. Get off the stage, Black Guy! So far, average weight loss, per person, is 150 lbs. (or so).

Twins getting a taste of what it’s like in BL Hell. Mean Girl promises puke-age soon. Stay tuned!

Big Regular Guy and Bigger Regular Guy comes out. Bigger Sassy Girl comes out, as well as Big Sassy Girl. Blah blah blah. Fast forward. Sad Housewife and Sadder Housewife come out, along with Thing 1 and Thing 2. Thing 1 and Thing 2 do crazy dance.

Really Big Fat Girl’s Mom comes out and then… whoa… Really Big Fat Girl isn’t so much really big and fat anymore. And I think she’s done something to her hair. Way to go, Really Big Fat Girl! And Really, I Mean Really Big Fat Guy now weighs less than Really, I Mean Really Big Fat Guy’s Friend. WTG, RIMRBFG!

Crocodile Dundee is in the audience, and Fancy Lady is talking to him and his daughter for some reason.

Last contestants: Crying Girl, Different Hair Color Girl and the Ronfather. Ronfather only one with chance against Old Guy. Nope, sorry. Thanks for playing.

America picks Twin #2. Twin #1 gets a copy of “Biggest Loser: The Board Game.”

Out comes Mike. D*mn! You did good, kid. However, I get really sad every time I see his brother Cryin' Max. C’mon, Biggest Loser people: go ahead and sign that poor b*stard up for next season. I don’t know about you, but I don’t buy Mike’s “Don’t worry, Cryin' Max… I know you didn’t get to do the once-in-a-lifetime life changing makeover with me and Dad, but I’m going to help you myself… right after I get back from New York and my cover shoot for GQ.” Yeah, right. I got news for ya, Cryin' Max: Mike’s going to discover girls in about fifteen minutes and that will be the last you’ve ever seen of him.

Helen comes out and, unless I miss my guess (and remember, I’ve already seen the entire show), there’s your Biggest Loser right there. I think she went straight from the Biggest Loser campus to military boot camp. She says she’s been lifting tractors, fallen tree trunks, volkswagons… blah blah blah.

Tara is last to come out and we see the 75 challenges she won. No one’s ever beaten her. She’s unbeatable. Call her Unbeatable Tara. The Ultimate Biggest Loser.

Tara loses.

Helen wins.