Things I Might Have Twatted If I Twittered

• “Hey, I just saw a squirrel.”
• “Carbs, schmarbs… pass me them waffles!”
• “I’m really not feeling very exercisy today.”
• “Wow… saw cloud that looks like mashed potatoes.”
• “How many calories could a spoonful of marshmallow crème possibly have?”
• “I’m doing fine without coffee. I really…zzz..zzzzz.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”
• “FYI: the tuna smoothie experiment was a complete failure.”
• “D*mmit…turns out restaurant doesn’t have a “delicious, no calories” section on menu
• “Not even sure why I went in a store called ‘Nothin’ but Taffy.’”
• “I could eat a biscuit the size of a hubcap.”
• “There’s a cloud that looks like big bowl of ice cream.”
• “Good for me. Didn’t take the elevator (took escalator insead).”
• “Am on way to the gym and am going to… ahhhhhhh, look out. Nice driving, f*cktard!”
• “Stopped by Starbucks and requested no sugar, no fat, no whip. Lady charged me $4 and handed me empty cup.”
• “This twitter feed makes my blog look intelligent.”
• “That cloud looks just like cotton candy.”
• “I’m on track with my calories today as long as all I have for dinner is celery.”
• “It’s possible that I have too much time on my hands.”
• “Just call me Jack Tw*t.”