This Plan Cannot Fail (Unless It Doesn't Work)

Tried eating more and exercising less, and that didn’t work.

So I tried exercising less and eating more and that didn’t work either.

Tried exercising little more, more or less, and that worked a little, more or less.

Tried eating little less, more or less, and that worked a little, more or less.

Now I’m gonna try not eating more anymore and not exercising less anymore.

More less-eating.

Less exercising  less.

Less more-eating.

More exercising more.

Okay... locked and loaded.

Let's go!

Ha! I Just Wasted Your Precious, Precious Time!

Dammit! Somebody told me that their blog
wrote itself, so I thought I'd try it.
I'M NOT MAKING THAT MISTAKE AGAIN!!!!!

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Weight-Loss Nursery Rhymes

The Wise Old Owl

A wise old owl blogged ‘bout his weight.
The more he wrote, the less he ate.
The less he ate, the more losses occurred.
Why can't we all be like that wise old bird?

Baa Baa Fat Sheep
Baa baa fat sheep,
Have you any determination?
No sir, no sir,
Need some motivation.
Some to make me eat less,
And some to make me move,
And some from all the blogs
That keep me in my groove.
Baa baa fat sheep,
Have you any will?
Yes sir, yes sir,
Now I’m made of steel.

Georgie Pudgie
Georgie Pudgie, pudding and pie,
Ate all the time and didn’t know why.
Ate all his pain, and boredom and strife.
Georgie Pudgie ate his life.

Pop Goes the L-Bs
Half a pound’s a very good job.
Half a pound’s no fail.
That's the way the weigh-in goes.
Down! Goes the scale.
Working hard is really hard work,
But you can prevail.
That's the way the weigh-in goes,
Down! Goes the scale.

Hey Diddle Diddle
Hey diddle diddle,
Too much in the middle,
You blew up just like a balloon.
Being more fit is way much more fun.
Now get moving and put down that spoon!

Healthy-boy Jickory Jack
Healthy-boy Jickory Jack,
He wants a healthy snack.
The clock struck three,
Raw almonds, green tea.
Healthy-boy Jickory Jack.

Little Boy You
Little boy you, come blog your journey.
Be you housewife, mechanic, doc or attorney.
Where you live is not the big question.
Fill us in on your progression.
Will you give up? No, not you.
Just do the best that you can do.

Little Jack Sh*tter
Little Jack Sh*tter
Goofs off on Twitter,
Tweeting for all that he’s worth.
They may be dumb,
But I’ll tell ya, chum.
It helps him to fight off his girth.

Monday’s Meal
Monday's meal is full of fat.
Tuesday's meal is more of that.
Wednesday's meal is indefensible.
Thursday’s meal much more sensible.
Friday's meal is 1500 calories at most.
Saturday’s meal is melba toast.
And then it comes down to weigh-in day…
Why didn’t I lose weight today?

Kn*ck Kn*ck

Kn*ck Kn*ck

Who's there?
Wade
Wade who?
Wade myself this morning and gained half a stinkin’ pound.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Jack
Jack who?
Jack and see if something’s wrong with that scale.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Thanks, a handful of cashews only has 100 or so calories.

Kn*ck Kn*ck!
Who's there?
Sara.
Sara who?
Sara easier way to lose weight than diet and exercise?

Kn*ck Kn*ck.
Who’s there?
Claudette
Claudette who?
Claude et the whole pie in one sitting.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Alli.
Alli who?
Alli discharge is a side effect of that new fat pill.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Hawaii.
Hawaii who?
Miserable–I’m dieting. Hawaii you?

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
One shoe
One shoe who?
One shoe get me something better to eat than this fat-free cottage cheese?

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Ice cream.
Ice cream who?
Ice cream every time I think about dessert.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
U-boat.
U-boat who?
U-boat lost more weight than I did this week.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey really have to keep up with all these stupid points on WW?

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Gorilla.
Gorilla who?
Gorilla me some veggies… they’re low-fat and delicious.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Amsterdam.
Amsterdam, who?
Amsterdam tired of all these stupid Kn*ck Kn*ck jokes I could sh*t.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop complaining about these Kn*ck Kn*ck jokes.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Rita.
Rita who?
Rita another weight loss blog if you want something that’s not so stupid.

Oh, Snape!

Jack: Ummmm… Professor Snape?

Snape: Ugggh… you again, Mister Sh*t?

Jack: Yeah, I think there’s been some sort of mistake…

Snape: What do you… wait. What is that in your cauldron?

Jack: What’s a “cauldron”?

Snape: Is that… *sniff*… is that coffee?

Jack: “Cauldron” means “coffee cup”? You learn something new every day at Hogwart’s!

Snape: Why did you call me over here, Mister Sh*t?

Jack: I think I’m in the wrong class.

Snape: What?

Jack: I signed up for “Portions” not “Potions”.

Snape: Portions?

Jack: Yeah, I seem have a real problem with portions. I thought I was a pretty good guesstimator, but it turns out I was eating nine servings of granola in one sitting.

Snape: That’s appalling!

Jack: Tell me about it. Much more of that and you could change my name to "Neville Widebottom".

Snape: Go on...

Jack: And my “handful of nuts” was actually four servings.

Snape: How is that possible?

Jack: I’ve got big hands, okay? Anyway, research confirms that larger food servings not only provide more calories –duh – but also have two other effects: they encourage people to eat more and to underestimate just how much they’re eating.

Snape: Fascinating.

Jack: So I signed up for Portions thinking I could learn some tricks, y'know, like using portion control dishware, making my own single-serving packs, dishing out servings separately and especially controlling portions when eating out.

Snape: Well, I don’t think I’ve ever said this before but… 50 points for Gryffindor.

Jack: Ummmm… I’m a Hufflepuff.

Snape: Of course you are. Of course...

I'm Sorry, David Bowie

Pound Control to Major Jack. 


Pound Control to Major Jack. 

Take your protein pills and put that donut down.

(Ten) Pound Control (Nine) to Major Jack (Eight) 

(Seven, six) Commencing countdown (Five), welcome back (Four) 

(Three, two) Check your appetite (One) and may the scale (Blastoff) be kind to you...

This is Pound Control to Major Jack,
You really have been slack.

And your viewers want to know what size shirt you wear.

Now it’s time to lose some more weight if you dare…

This is Major Jack to Pound Control,
I’m exercising more,

But I just endured a most peculiar weigh…

I gained one and three-quarters of a pound today. 


Here…
Am I sitting at a plateau,
Far above goal weight.
Everything tastes great and there’s nothing I ain’t ate.



Though I still have so many pounds to go, 

I’m feeling a nice glow.
And I think my spaceship’s finally going down.

Tell my wife I love her, and that I lost a pound.

Pound Control to Major Jack,
You’re in a groove, you’re back on track.

You can do it, Major Jack.
You can do it, Major Jack.
You can do it, Major Jack.
You can… 


Here am I standing on the damn scale.
Far above goal weight.
Fat is not my fate, and today I’m feeling great.

The Misgiving Tree

Once there was a tree...and she loved a not-so-little boy.

And every day the boy would come and he would gather her leaves and make them into crowns and play king of the forest.

He would climb up her trunk and swing from her branches and eat apples.

And they would play hide-and-go-seek.

And when he was tired, he would sleep in her shade.

And the boy loved the tree ... very much.

And the tree was happy.

But time went by.

And the boy grew wider.

And the tree was often alone.

Then one day the boy came to the tree and the tree said, “Come, Boy, come and climb up my trunk and swing from my branches.”

“I don’t really feel like exercising,” said the not-so-little boy.

“Come sit in my shade and eat apples,” said the tree calmly.

“Do you have any Doritos?” asked the not-so-little boy.

“Sloth and junk food are a terrible combination,” remarked the tree. “You best check yourself before you wreck yourself.”

“I don’t really have time to sit around and talk with trees,” said the not-so-little boy. “I want a snack and those shows I DVR’ed aren’t going to binge-watch themselves.”

The tree shrugged, and a fairly large limb fell from way up high and conked the not-so-little boy on the noggin.

And the tree was happy.

Fitsy!

Oh, I wish we didn’t have
Such a big bottom.
Old times there 
Are how we got ‘em.

Far away, far away, far away…

Fitsy Land.



In Fitsy Land, we’ll make a plan,

To live and be more fitsy.
Someday, Someday, someday…
Fitsy Land.



We’re getting way more fitsy,
Hooray! Hooray! 

In Fitsy Land, we’ve all began

To live and be more fitsy. 

And we’ll weigh, we’ll weigh

We’ll weigh far less when Fitsy!

I Don't Know Who This Lady Is...

... but I couldn't have said it better myself.

Hello, My Name is Jack F’n Sh*t

The “F’n” is short for “Franklin”.

I am on a meandering path to better health.

Sure, a straight-line trek would be more sensible and take less time, but no one has ever accused me of being lazy (except my wife Anita – I told you I’d take down the Christmas lights this spring when it gets warmer!).

I used to blog here religiously, but I seem to have become more of an atheist when it comes to updating this site.

But you and I have both met here at the beginning of this full-of-hope new year with similar hopes and goals, I assume.

We want to lose weight.

We want to get more healthy.

We want to look, feel and be better.

You gotta start somewhere.

Why not here?

Why not now?

My name is Jack F’n Sh*t  and whether you’re trying to lose two pounds or two hundred, I’m happy to share your journey.

Though really… if you’re trying to lose two pounds, will you please STFU and get outta here?

Now let’s do this…