Sing Along, Wee Little Children!

Oh, He Was a Jolly Fat Fellow

Oh, he was a jolly fat fellow,
He was a jolly fat fellow,

He was a jolly fat fellow, 

Which nob’dy could deny.
Which nob’dy could deny.
I doubt anyone would try. 
Now he is an awfully fit fellow,

He is an awfully fit fellow,

He is an awfully fit fellow…
I’d much rather be like this guy!



Whistle While You Work Out




Just whistle while working out.
Da da dada da da (don’t pout)
And cheerfully together 
Fat for muscle we'll replace. 

It’ll be less crappy if you stay happy
With a smile upon your face.

And as you sweat and shred

Just try to imagine instead

It’s only a scary nightmare

And that you're back home in bed.

The C-H-E-A-T-E-R Song

Ol’ Jack Sh*t, sittin' in a car.
C-H-E-A-T-E-R
First comes cola, then comes snacks
Then comes Quadruple XL slacks.

I Love Food

I love food,
That’s just me,

Led to my obesity.
With a great big lunch,
And a snack at half past two,
Can’t you see what that will do?

I love food,
That’s just me,

But best friends we should not be.

With a great big shrug,
Must be careful what I chew,
Time to say I love me, too.

Buff and Fit Gals

Buff and fit gals, did you work out tonight? 

Work out tonight, work out tonight. 

Buff and fit gals, did you work out tonight?
Or watch TV by the light of the moon?

Sweatalot

We’re Knights of the Less-Round Table,

Exercising all that we’re able.

We do routines

On gym machines

With technique impecc-able.

We work out here in Sweatalot,

Do a set, re-set and squat a lot.

We’re Knights of the Less-Round Table.

Our workouts are painful.

For many hours

‘Til we hit the showers,

Muttering curses quite disdainful.

We’re crazy fit in Sweatalot,

And we try hard not to sit a lot.

Each day, we’re tough and able.

Get all the steps we can finagle.

We do workouts,

Eat Brussel sprouts,

And say no to that bagel.

It’s a healthy life in Sweatalot

Tho I write posts I regret a lot.

This Headline's Even Worse Than My Last One!

I’m bringing home some baby turnip greens.
Won’t my wife Anita be so proud of me?
I’m bringing home some baby turnip greens.
GRRRRR! They’re dirty!

I’m washing up my baby turnip greens.
Won’t my wife Anita be so proud of me?
I’m washing up my baby turnip greens.
OHHH!! Let’s cook ‘em!

I’m cookin’ up some baby turnip greens.
Won’t my wife Anita be so proud of me?
I’m cookin’ up some baby turnip greens.
OUCH!! They’re bitter!!

I’m seasonin’ up my baby turnip greens.
Won’t my wife Anita be so proud of me?
I’m seasonin’ up my baby turnip greens.
NOW!! Time for dinner!!

I’m samplin’ my baby turnip greens.
Won’t my wife Anita be so proud of me?
I’m samplin’ my baby turnip greens.
OH!! They’re disgusting!

I’m tossin’ out my baby turnip greens.
Man, my wife Anita hates ‘em more than me.
I’m tossin’ out my baby turnip greens.
DAMN!! Let’s order a pizza!

Dammit, I Forgot the Clever Headline Again!

As I was walking around the neighborhood, I noticed a little old man lazily rocking in a chair on his porch.

I approached him, holding up a hand in greeting.

“I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,” I remarked. “Do you mind if I ask you something?”

 “Go ahead,” he answered.

“What's your secret for a long happy life?” I asked, taking a seat on the porch steps to await his reply.

“Well, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he started. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, I eat fatty fried foods most every day… oh, and I never, ever exercise.”

“That's amazing,” I said. “Wait… just how old are you?”

“Twenty-six,” he replied.

"The doctor of the future will give no medicines,
but will interest his patients in the care of the
human frame, in diet, and in the causes
and prevention of disease."
~Thomas Edison


The Ultimate Healthy Father's Day Gift Guide

• Fitbit necktie

• Wallet made of beef jerky

• Conversion kit that turns his favorite recliner into an elliptical

• Belt with vitamin dispenser

• Tie made of kale

• Kettlebell made from Civil War cannonball

• No-wheel lawn mower

• Soup-on-a-rope

• Manual weedwhacker that works by simply spinning it around really, really fast

• Deer-antler helmet to wear hunting (encourages lots of movement)

• Set of wheatgrass shot glasses

• Subscription to his favorite blog * hint hint *

Did You Catch Me on the Today Show?

Lauer: Jack Sh*t, good morning. Nice to see you.

Jack: Nice to see you, too.

Lauer: You've had a busy week. All the headlines, top trending item on Twitter, you resigned your post at the NAAFP… ummm, what does that stand for again?

Jack: National Association for the Advancement of Fit People.

Lauer: Yeah, ummm… we checked that out and that's not really a thing. Anyhow, you started a discussion on fitness and what it means in this country. Did this come as a surprise to you or did you always expect the lid would be blown off your story at some point? The fact that you’re actually pretty much of a lard-ass…

Jack: The timing of it was a shock. I mean, wow. The timing was completely unexpected. As to the second question, I did feel that at some point I would need to address the complexity of my identity as a really fit person.

Lauer: Let me just say, we can't talk about the big picture that you have created without talking about the small picture first. Let me just ask you the question in simple terms again, because you've sent mixed signals over the years—are you a really fit person?

Jack: I identify as fit.

Lauer: You identify as fit. Let me put a picture up of you though, and when you see this picture, is this a fit person, or is that a person who shops in the plus-sized section?

Jack: Well, that’s not really a very flattering angle…

Lauer: Is he a fit person or he Blubber McNuggets?

Jack: I would say that visibly he would be identified as obese by people who see him.

Lauer: But at the time were you identifying yourself as fit?

Jack: In that picture, during that time, no.

Lauer: Ummm… that was this morning.

Jack: Well, at least I didn’t say I was an African-American lady like that other lady!