Let me tell you a story...

There’s an old story about The Ant & The Grasshopper, but this is not like that at all. 

At all.

It’s totally different.

There are no similarities, other than the name sounds a little similar.

And there’s an Ant in both of the stories.

Anyway, once there was this industrious ant. Personally, I don’t know why ants are always so industrious. Did you know that the lifespan of an average ant is 45 to 60 days? If I were an ant, I’d work for a few weeks, but then I’d want some time off to start enjoying myself a little, cuz y’know… life is short.

Anyway, this nameless Ant (another interesting ant fact: most ants don’t have names) did a workout every day. He would lift 60 milligrams, which equals out to… lemme see… 0.00212 ounces. Well, that’s not very impressive, is it? I could lift that with one hand. The pink barbells at the gym weigh 2 and a half pounds, and sometimes I use one ineach hand. That’s lame, Ant!

What? How much does the Ant weigh? Well, it’s hard to get a good Ant weigh-in because some scales won’t even register a number when an ant steps on it. Google it? Google doesn’t know everything, you know!

Okay, it looks like (according to... um... an internet resource) that an ant weighs 3 milligrams, so yes, the Ant is lifting… um… 20 times his weight. Hmmmmm, 20 times my weight would be…uh… 4,222 pounds. Well, I’ll try it, but I’m gonna need somebody to spot me.

But what about the Half-Ass Hopper? When does he come into this story? Well, right about now, as it turns out. The Half-Ass Hopper hopped around all through the week, doing half-ass workouts that looked like real workouts and actually caused him to break a little bit of a sweat, but didn’t really get much accomplished when you really got down to it.

The Ant worked hard and prospered; the Half-Ass Hopper just flitted around the gym and didn’t really see any meaningful achievements. When Winter arrived, the Ant had stored a lot of food, and the Half-Ass Hopper had just squandered a lot of time.

See? That wasn’t anything like that other story…

“It is not enough to be industrious;
so are the ants. What are you industrious about?” 
–Henry David Thoreau

Seven Pounds Down

Once I was seven pounds up,

My momma told me

Damn, Jack, those pants used to be a lil’ baggy.
Once I was seven pounds up…

I was a big, big boy,

And I was gettin’ bigger.
Pushing shirt seams to their limits, middle gettin’ thicker.
By eleven eating chips and dip right before dinner.
Never stopped so I found myself with a much fuller figure.

Once I was 80 pounds up, my daddy told me,
Get yo ass a lil’ less wide or you’ll be lonely.
Once I was 80 pounds up.

I finally decided that being a fatty didn’t thrill me .
So I started eatin’ better, I started gettin’ stronger

If you see me eating a bag of chips, just go ahead and kill me.
Cause I feel better when I’m eatin’ right, not eatin’ wronger.

Soon I was 20 pounds down, my story not no depressin’
Before I would start to cry when I was dressin’.
But then I was 20 pound down

I only see my goals, I don't believe in failure

Cause I know that doin’ it now is better than doin’ it later.
I got this blog with me, y’know it’s been a real life-saver.
So glad my waistline’s not as big as the equator.

Once I was 20 pounds down, my story got fun
I was dieting, not eating everything I saw before me
Once I was 20 pounds down
Soon we'll be 30 years old, our songs have been sold
We've traveled around the world and we're still roaming
Soon I’ll be 30 pounds down…

PagerTag Wireless Key Finder Review

Jack: Hi Betty. I lost that thing… y’know, that thing you sent me to review.

Betty: You lost it?

Jack: Well, it could have gotten stolen…

Betty: Jack?

Jack: Ummmm… I lost it.

Betty: It took me three days to walk you through the activation code to order it on Amazon.

Jack: I’m a blogger, not a rocket science worker guy!

Betty: Jack…

Jack: Look, I know it’s annoying, but…

Betty: IT WAS A WIRELESS KEY FINDER!

Jack: I thought it was a Beet Finder.

Betty: No, I told you I’m a representative of Beets BLU company. We produce electronics with Bluetooth Smart support.

Jack: That’s funny; I bought some beets last week and now I can’t find them anywhere.

Betty: They told me you were the world’s laziest blogger, but I hadn’t heard that you were irresponsible as well.

Jack: Lazy? Listen, there are a lot of folks who’ll just get somebody to cut and paste product information into a blog post review. Well, I cut and paste all the product information into a blog post review myself!

Betty: Good lord….

Jack: See: PagerTag is a cool and simple device that can:

·       Keep track of your valuables (keys, wallets, suitcase, laptop bag, backpack - whatever is tagged with PagerTag)

·       Detect the proximity of lost or forgotten items wirelessly

·       Alert you when your item shifts outside of a connection range (about 15 feet/5 meters)

·       Send sounds and enable an LED light to alert you

·       Save the battery life using Bluetooth Low Energy protocol

·       Save you a lot of time and anxiety

·       Can be used as Android Trusted Device for automatic screen unlock (Android 5.0 or later required)

You can always rely on this tiny smart device.
No more valuables left behind.

Betty: So, that’s your review?

Jack: No, that is NOT my review. Do you see where I’ve given it up to ONE MILLION STARS yet? Well, do you?

Betty: Well, no…

Jack: I give the TagerPage wireless key finder…

Betty: PagerTag!

Jack: I give the PagerTag wireless key finder ONE MILLION STARS! It is available for purchase here. No wait…. Try clicking here. Why is it so freakin’ difficult for me to create hyperlinks?

Betty: Can I help? It’s available here.

Jack: And that’s how you do a review, my friend.

Betty:  –  dial tone –

Jack: Hello. Hello? Got anything else for me to review?

Note: Beets BLU did not compensate me for writing this review.

Sexy Sexy Snacks

• Carrots with Raunch Dressing

• Casaba Melons

• Protein Shake

• Carnal Corn

• Nut Butter

• G-string Cheese

• Really Raw Veggies

• Bread and Extra Virgin Olive Oil

• Sticky Rice

• Prickly Pear

• Tossed Salad

• Kumquats

• 50 Shades of Grape

• Ass-paragus

• “Afternoon Delight” (handful of raw almonds and cup of green tea)

• Steamy Broccoli

• Weinerschnitzel

• Jack Sh*take Mushrooms

Healthy Riddles for Kids!

Q. Why was the man running around his bed?  

A. He wanted to catch up on his sleep, plus get in a good cardio workout. 

Q: What does a nosey pepper do?

A: Gets jalapeno business... in order to remind you that hot peppers reduce cholesterol, aid digestion, increase circulation and may even help reduce the risk of cancer. 

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? 

A: Every morning you'll rise and shine! But then you might get sick because  shoe polish contains petroleum products, benzenes and carbon-based dyes, all which can have severe ill effects on the body and are known carcinogens. 

Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? A: The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup,” but then they realized they were both winners because they were embracing an active lifestyle and celebrated their accomplishment together as good friends.

Q: Why did Tony go out with a prune? A: Because he couldn't find a date, and he knew that dates and prunes promote brain, heart and digestive health. 

Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? A: Show me the honey! Because honey honey has a healthy Glycemic Index (GI), meaning that its sugars can be gradually absorbed into the bloodstream to result in better digestion.

  Q: Why did the tomato turn red? A: It saw the salad dressing! And realized that  certain brand name salad dressings that pack up to 200 calories and 20 grams of fat per serving. 

Q: What goes up when the rain comes down? A: An umbrella. Also my weight because I love to sit on the back porch during a rainstorm and drink coffee while eating eat cookies.

Q: What happens if life gives you melons? A: You’re dyslexic, but the good news is that melons taste sweet, provide minimal calories and add color to your meals, plus provide a range of nutrients that help you stay healthy and feel your best. 

Q: Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? A: He couldn't concentrate! Also, he didn't wash his hands after going to the restroom and the average person has 200 million bacteria per square inch on their hands after going. 

 Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A: A deviled egg, which was bad because they're loaded with fat and calories. 

Q: Why did the boy eat his homework? A: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake! And he didn’t realize that eating paper is a form of Xylophagia (wood eating), and is common in children. Large amounts of paper, reduced to pulp in the gut, can lead to obstructed bowels and could require surgical intervention.