Fifteen pounds down
and you’re asking yourself, “Why isn’t everybody jumping up and down and
celebrating this awe-inspiring accomplishment?”
Twenty
pounds down and you’re asking yourself, “Is everyone I know blind, stupid or
both not to notice this stunningly spectacular achievement?”
Twenty-five
pounds down, and you’re asking yourself, “Is there some sort of
sinister covert conspiracy at work where everyone has agreed not to say anything about
this tremendously ttriumphant triumph?”
Thirty
pounds down, and you’re asking yourself, “Really? I mean, really?”
Thirty-five
pounds down and somebody offhandedly remarks, “Say, are you losing weight, Jack?”
“Maybe
a little,” I reply. “I don’t pay much attention to it.”
There came an impasse,
With a Weight-Losing Azz
And a Weight-Gaining Azz.
And it happened that both of them were in a rut.
They were stuck. There they stood.
Face to Face. Gut to gut.
“Look here, now!” the Weight-Losing Azz said, “I say!
You are blocking my path. I’ve a workout today.
I’m a Weight-Losing Azz and though I’m stuck at this weight.
If I keep doing right, the results will be great.”
“That’s a dumb way to think!” snapped the Weight-Gaining Azz.
“You’re exercising too much, it’s affecting your mass.
You should do it MY way! Just rest and have faith
That the scale doesn’t notice all the food that you ateth.”
Then the Weight-Losing Azz shook his head side to side.
“I never,” he said, “want to live extra-wide.
And I’ll prove to you that working out works.
Plus it provides you with energy and other great perks!”
“And I’ll prove to YOU,” yelled the Weight-Losing Azz,
“That I’ll lose weight without all that sweat-sweating jazz.
I know I can do it! I can manage my bigness
Without running and lifting and that sort of
fitness.
Never sweat! That’s my rule. Never get yourself sweaty!
Never yuck up your clothes! Never smell like a Yeti!
I’ll stay here, not sweating! I can and you’ll witness.
I can lose weight without bothering with fitness.”
Well...
Of course his weight didn’t stand still. His weight grew.
He gained back what he’d lost before he was through.
But the other Azz kept on working, true to his word.
And his health got much better (tho his blog’s still
absurd).
Jack: King-sized
Kit Kat bar. One dollar, 69 cents.
Sugar: And the
gas.
Jack: I guess
you’re not worried about your weight…
Sugar: What weight
would that be?
Jack:Well, that bad boy right there is right at 500
calories.
Sugar: What
business is it of yours’… how much I weigh… Jack-O?
Jack: Oh, I didn’t
mean nothin’ by it. It’s just that there’re 17 grams of saturated fat, too.
Sugar: Didn’t mean
nothin’…
Jack: Just passin’
the time… if you don’t wanna accept that, then I don’t know what else I can do
for you…. Except possibly mention that 17 grams of saturated fat represents 85%
of a daily recommended intake.
(awkward silence)
Jack: Will there
be something else?
Sugar: I don’t
know. Will there?
Jack: Is something
wrong?
Sugar: With what?
Jack: With
anything?
Sugar: Is that
what you’re asking me? Is there something wrong with anything?
Jack: Well, I just
felt like I ought to point out that this food is high in saturated fat, and a large portion of the calories come
from sugars. Anyway, will there be anything else?
Sugar: You already
asked me that!
Jack: Oh, well… I
need to see about closing now.
Sugar: See about
closing?
Jack: Yessir, it’s
time for me to go work on my blog.
Sugar: What time
do you blog?
Jack: Now. I blog
now.
Sugar: Now is not
a time. What time do you blog?
Jack: Generally
around dark. At dark.
Sugar: -sigh- You
don’t know what you’re bloggin about, do you?
Jack: Sir?
Sugar: I said you
don’t know what you’re blogging about. (pause) What time do you go to bed?
Jack: Sir?
Sugar: You’re a
bit deaf, aren’t you? I said what time do you go to bed?
Jack: Ohhhh…
somewhere around 9:30… I’d ummm… somewhere around 9:30. I believe that it’s
important to get plenty of rest so that I have adequate energy to work out bright
and early the next day.
Sugar: I could
come back then.
Jack: When I work
out? That would be awesome! You could be my workout buddy. I’ve always wanted a
workout buddy!
Sugar: Ummm, I
don’t think so.
Jack: Well, uh… I
got to blog now.
Sugar: This
healthy living crap is important to you, isn’t it? You really believe in it?
Jack: Yes, I do.
Sugar: You’ve been
overweight all your life.
Jack: Just since I
was a baby.
Sugar: You were
born into it.
Jack: Well,
obviously genetics had something to do with it, but I blame poor choices on my
part for the rest.
Sugar: You were
born into it.
Jack: If that’s
the way you wanna put it…
Sugar: I don’t have some way to put it. That’s the way it
is.
(Really creepy awkward
pause)
Sugar: What’s the
most you ever lost in a coin toss?
Jack: Sir?
Sugar: The most
you ever lost on a coin toss?
Jack: Well, in
college I had to do my roommate’s laundry for a month… stupid two-headed
nickel!
(flips coin)
Sugar: Call it.
Jack: Call it?
Sugar: Yes.
Jack: For what?
Sugar: Just call
it.
Jack: You’re
starting to really freak me out, buddy.
Sugar: You need to
call it. I can’t call it for you. It wouldn’t be fair.
Jack: I think I
get it: if I win, I get to go on with my weight loss blogging and healthy
living journey and if I lose, the authorities find me stuffed into an oil drum
out back. Did I get close?
Sugar: Call it!
Jack: Y’know, I read in Dynamical
Bias in the Coin Toss, some experts lay out the theory and practice
of coin-flipping is really a 51-49 proposition, if not worse. The sacred coin flip exhibits (at minimum) a
whopping 1% bias, andpossibly much more. One percent may not sound like a lot, but
it's more than the typical casino edge in a game of blackjack or slots.
Sugar: What are
you babbling about?
Jack: For instance, if the coin is tossed and caught, it has about a 51% chance of landing on the same face it was
launched.
Sugar: Call it.
Jack:If the coin is spun, rather than tossed, it can have a much-larger-than-50%
chance of ending with the heavier side down. Spun coins will fall tails-up 80%
of the time.
Sugar: Call it,
bitch!
Jack: Alright…
heads then.
(Coin shows heads)
Sugar: Well done.
– Don’t put it in your pocket,
Jack: Sir?
Sugar: Don’t put
it in your pocket; it’s your lucky quarter.
Jack: Where do you
want me to put it?
Sugar: Anywhere,
not in your pocket. Keep it as a reminder that every day on this earth is a
gift, and that you should strive to take the best care of yourself as you are
able. And if you don’t do that, I’ll probably come back and we’ll do that
oil-drum thing.
Jack: Alrighty.
Have a great day! And enjoy that Kit-Kat bar!
I was fully prepared to pull this out after my week-or-so off work...
It's a little something I created for those times when I suspected that a favorable weigh-in would not be forthcoming. It led to a whole line of useful cards that I probably would have made a million bucks off of if I hadn't accidentally given them away for free. Anyway, I ate a bunch last week and I drank a bunch last week and I worked in the yard a double-bunch last week.
Dragging this to the street burned over 10,000 calories!
