Gone Fishing

Dammit! Why
didn't anybody tell me that
fishing only burns six
calories per hour?!?!?

Healthy-Healthy Health Tips (for Your Health!)

• When opening a can of whoop-ass, make sure and choose a whoop-ass that's low in fat, sugar and sodium.

• You can make greek yogurt have fewer calories by not using a Snickers bar as a spoon to eat it.

• To make pizza healthier, try eating something else.

• When you’re at a restaurant, remember this little rhyme: “If you order the entire menu, I’m going to  unfriend you.”

• Instead of squandering a lot of money of a fancy, store-bought enema, why not just stay constipated forever? Oh, because you’ll die. Good answer, good answer….

• Instead of eating birthday cake, try eating just a slice of birthday cake.

• A healthy afternoon snack is a hamper full of nuts. They provide… what? A handful? Are you kidding me?

• An easy way to improve your posture is to stand up straight, dumbass.

• If you're at a party where they have one of those chocolate fountains, it's a good idea not to do what you're thinking about doing right this second.

• Eat twice as often, eat half as much and chew twice as long. Or eat half as often, twice as much and… oh, forget it; YOU NEVER LISTEN TO A WORD I BLOG.

I Confess...

“C'mon, Jack,” the cop growled. “I know you did it. You know you did it. Angry Eddie knows you did it...”

“YOU DID IT! FESS UP, YOU JERKWAD!”



“Ease up, Angry Eddie. Jack’s gonna talk.”



“Is this that ‘good cop, bad cop’ thing I’ve heard so much about?”

“NO, IT'S NOT, YOU STUPID IDIOT!”



“Easy there, Angry Eddie. Jack, what Angry Eddie was trying to say is that you might as well fess up.”



“I don't know what you’re talking about.”



“Time.”



“Huh?”

“HE SAID “TIME”, YOU EFFING MORON.”



“I know he said ‘time’, Officer Angry Eddie. I just don't know what he meant by it.”



“I meant that you're guilty of killing time.”

“Killing time?”



“That's right. Squandering the relatively small allotment of time you have on this Earth.”



“I don't understand...”

“Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey once said, ‘Time is a cruel thief to rob us of our former selves. We lose as much to life as we do to death.’”

“Okay, but who the hell is Elizabeth Forsy...” 

“Listen, Jack. It’s time for you to get serious about reaching your goals. Time for you to start pushing forward to achieve your hopes and dreams.”



“Are you gonna put me in prison?”



“Son, I'm trying to get you out of prison.”



“Right, uhhh... thank you.”

“UMMMM, CAN I BEAT HIM WITH MY NIGHTSTICK NOW?”

Jack Does Mother Goose (Wow, That Sounds Dirty!)

Goosey Goosey Goose

Goosey Goosey Goose, always making some excuse.
“I’m too tired, I’m too sore, I can’t work out anymore.
I’ve got houseguests, I’ve got a job, my kids are underfoot.”
And then doesn’t understand it when all the pounds stay put.

Yesterday Upon the Scale




Yesterday upon the scale 

I saw a weight that make me wail.
And so I changed the things I do.
Today I saw a loss. Woo hoo!



Sing a Song of Six Pounds

Sing a song of six pounds,

A loss upon the scale
.
Four and twenty workouts
.
That plus eating well.
When the month was over,

The results could not be clearer
.
Isn’t that a fitter dude

He sees there in the mirror?

Not-So-Simple Simon

Simple Simon met a pieman,

When he was at the mall.

Says Simple Simon to the pieman,

“I’ll take an extra small.”

Says the pieman to Simple Simon,

“You can supersize it for a 25¢ charge.”

Says Simple Simon to the pieman,

“How do you think I got so large?”

Solomon Chunky

Solomon Chunky,
Began on Monday,
Chinese on Tuesday,
Buffet on Wednesday,
Happy Hour Thursday,
Pizza on Friday,
Dieted on Saturday,
Gained on Sunday,
Nothing ends For Solomon Chunky

Slow, Slow, Slow Your Bloat

Slow, slow, slow your bloat.
Don’t eat so much ice cream.
Healthy, healthy, healthy, healthy.
Live the life you dream.

Happy Birthday Dear Jack, You Smell Like a Yak

My birthday plans...

• Go to the office but refuse to do any work (okay, okay, that’s pretty much my normal routine).

• Update my will to include provision leaving my blog to Science.

• Treat myself to a pedicure (remember to bring earplugs to muffle the nice Korean lady’s screams of horror).

• Make a “Bucket List”, then cross off item #1: (“Make a Bucket List”)

• To complete my dream of leaving behind something big and meaningful to generations to come, I decide on this enormous pile of dirty laundry.

• Vow to act my age (minus 40 or so years).

• Decide not to waste time worrying and moaning about stuff I have no control over; it’ll give me more time to worry and moan about stuff I do have control over.

• As a special treat, put real cream in my coffee, as well as a Snickers bar and a pint of whiskey.

• Take time to apologize to all those dumbasses I’ve offended with my hurtful words.

• Rededicate myself to rededicating myself to rededification.

• Check with my accountant Harvey Ponzi and make sure my 401(K) funds are still earning 250% per year.

• Accept that every day on earth is the true gift (but was an “Ask Me About My Blog” t-shirt too much to ask for? Really?)

Which Way Do You Jump?

Story 1 - Once there were these two frogs in fell into a bucket of milk. One struggled for a bit, but quickly realized that fighting would do no good and gave up. He sank to the bottom of the bucket and drowned. However, the second frog decided that he was going to give up without a fight, so he kicked and swam with all his might. Much to his surprise, his constant churning turned the cream into butter and he was able to hop out of the bucket.

Moral: Never stop fighting.

Story 2 - Once there were these two frogs who fell into a patch of quicksand. The first one decided that he wasn’t going to give up without a fight, so he kicked and swam with all his might. Much to his surprise, his constant churning sent him straight to the bottom of the pit where he promptly drowned. The second frog quickly realized that fighting would do no good, so he calmly stretched out and made no movement. His lack of motion allowed him to float on the surface of the quicksand, and eventually, he eased himself to the edge of the pit.

Moral: Stop fighting... no... that's terrible. Ummm, how about "Never play near quicksand"?

Jingle Jangle

I Want My Body Back
I want my body back, body back, body back
I want my body back, body back, body back
Don’t go to Chili’s!
Body back … Reelz!



The Fatta Song
Don’t ya wanna not get fatta?
Don’t ya wanna not get fatta?
Don’t ya wanna not get fatta?
Don’t ya wanna not get fatta?



Check-in on the Sea
Ask any mermaid 

You happen to see, 

What's a good exercise?

Swimming, you see!



I Can Bring Home the Bacon
I can bring home the bacon,

Fry it up in a pan.
Whoops, I forgot that’s not on the plan.

Because I'm a veeeeegan, 

V-E-G-A-N. Eatsomebeets.



The Post-Workout Mix
Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,



Hey, Big Sweater
The minute you walk in the gym
Perspiration starts to fly right off you. 
The janitor wants to mop you.

Hey, big sweater,

Don’t…
Get your sweat on me.