No More Clowning Around (Okay, Just a Little…)

My wife Anita found this at a thrift store.

We’ve all been trying to guess exactly how many
murders it has witnessed (My guess? Less than 50).

I brought it with me to work as a reminder
that putting the wrong food in your mouth...

...CAN BE EVIL!

Back to the Drawing Board (And I Can’t Draw!)

But I’ll tell you what I can do…

I can pack a healthy lunch.

I can skip my midday brunch.

I can work and break a sweat.

I can not eat a whole baguette.

I can walk a mile or two.

I can cook a healthy stew.

I can lift a bunch of weights.

I can leave food on my plates.

I can play a lot of basketball.

I can drink a lil’ less alcohol.

I can hold myself accountable

Even when it seems insurmountable.

I can run and I can jog.

I can scribble on this blog.

I can snack on a banana.

You can leave a comment (if you wanna).

On that Midnight Train to Gorge-Ya

Man, I hate to talk about setbacks and regaining weight…

Just the same way I lost it, I gained it back a little at a time knowing that I was losing small skirmishes and then looking up and realizing I was losing the bigger battle.

Just for the record, eating more and exercising less is a can’t-fail method for weight gaining (unless you’re one of those people I run across from time to time who actually have trouble gaining weight; to those folks, please accept this message in the spirit it was intended:  YOU SUCK!).

Anyway, I’m apparently regressing from well-crafted and entertaining blog content to whatever the hell this is, but it’ll have to do until I get this choo-choo train back on track.

ALL ABOARD!  

I Finally See the Error of My Weighs

So, I found my scale.

Somebody had wrapped it in a bath towel and put it in a used pizza box, then stuck the pizza box in a slightly bigger used pizza box, then put that pizza box inside… okay, let’s just say there were several more pizza boxes culminating in a jumbo, super-sized monster pizza box. 

Anyway, somebody had hidden the scale inside endless pizza boxes and then buried them in the backyard by the compost pile (which, inexplicably, was also filled with pizza boxes).

So anyway…

I found my scale, took a deep breath, tried to remember whether it was luckier to step on it left foot first or right foot first… and then tentatively stepped on (left foot first) and…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (should have gone with right foot first, I suppose).

THE WEEKLY PHYSIQUELY

• Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs
• Current weight: 269.7 (oh hell… let’s just call it 270)
• Loss: (watch this space)
• Goal for coming week: Do opposite of everything I’ve been doing recently

Good News for My Fitness Journey...

They finally fixed the stairs at my office building.

Now, they not only work when you go down, but they also work when you go up!

This could change everything!

S.A.D.

Scientists believe that S.A.D. (Scale Avoidance Disorder) is caused by somebody not wanting to know how much they weigh. I don’t know if I agree with that, but I do know that lately… ummm… I haven’t really wanted to know how much I weigh.

Maybe it’s because my wife Anita inexplicably switched to a laundry detergent that has made all my britches shrink up.

Maybe it’s because my new favorite workout has been 20 minutes on the stationary treadmill (you hardly break a sweat!).

Maybe it’s that marketers unfairly targeted me during the holiday season. DON’T THEY KNOW ABOUT MY LOVE OF ALL THINGS FLAVORED WITH EGGNOG, GINGERBREAD and/or PUMPKIN SPICE??????????????

Maybe it’s because this site has somehow changed from a weight-loss chronicle to the guy who warms up the comedy club crowd for the guy who warms up the opening act. 

I’m planning some big changes around here (and no… I’m not converting this blog into a massive Ponzi scheme; I spent $99 on an e-book titled “HOW TO CONVERT YOUR BLOG INTO A MASSIVE PONZI SCHEME” but it never turned up...).

Watch this space while I go try to find my scale….

Starting Tomorrow…

Starting tomorrow, I plan on putting a little more “work” into my “workout”.

Starting tomorrow, I plan on taking a little more “et” out of my “diet” (as in, “I just et an entire bag of tater chips”).

Starting tomorrow, I’m going to make some adjustments in my routine and re-focus on making more healthy choices throughout the day.

Starting tomorrow, I’m going to start using this blog a little more as a tool to guide me toward accountability and better health.

Starting tomorrow, I’m going to quit making excuses and start making plans.

Starting tomorrow, I’m going to be better.

Starting tomorrow.

Are you ready? I’m going to go ahead and BLOW YOUR MIND.

I wrote this yesterday.

Game on.