Lose 10 Lbs in 5 Minutes!

Every so often, an enticing offer plops down into my email crapbox…

 “Lose 10 lbs in 5 minutes” screams the subject line.

I know what you’re thinking: How ridiculous.

I know what else you’re thinking: How does Jack know what I’m thinking all the time? That’s really creeping me out!

Most people will chuckle to themselves as they hit the delete button on those over-promising messages.

I mean, after all, that’s impossible!

Except…

Maybe it’s not so preposterous, when you stop and think about it.

I know for a stone-cold fact that if I eat the right things and work out often enough, I will consistently lose weight.

And that all starts with a faster-than-five-minute flipping of the switch.

From tuned out to dialed in.

From drifting and in disarray to focused and on fire.

Lose 10 lbs in 5 minutes?

I’m going to lose 10 lbs

Right.

This.

Second.

THE (SEMI)WEEKLY PHYSIQUELY

Last weigh-in: 241.2 lbs.

Loss: --.2

Healthy Living on the Road

• Start any long travel day with a good, nourishing enema.
  
• Keep a magic marker on you so that you can log all of your food on your arm.
  
• If your hotel doesn’t have a fitness center, you can easily make one by getting a second room, buying a bunch of fitness equipment and stowing it all in there.
  
• If you're going to be consuming any alcohol during your travels, remember the old health adage “candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.” I'm not exactly sure why you should remember that, but it's vitally important that you do.
  
• Ask the hotel concierge to arm wrestle.
  
• The mini-bar is dangerous territory for dieters. Immediately pour all liquids down the drain and flush all chips, cookies and large-sized candy bars. The peace of mind you receive will more than make up for the $4,000 the hotel will charge your credit card.
  
• Keep plenty of raw fruits and vegetables, string cheese, bottled or boxed juices, nuts and … oh, that’s not going to happen!
  
• A basic workout of situps, push ups, jumping jacks, yoga and stretching can be done during virtually any business meeting.
  
• It’s important to stay hydrated when you travel, so carry plenty of water balloons in your briefcase.
  
• While on the plane, run as fast as you can from one end of the plane to the other waving your arms wildly.
  
• To make it easier not to overeat while traveling, be sure and go to restaurants you don’t like and order food that you hate.

Do Your Chins Hang Low?

Do your chins hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Do you have a turkey neck?
Can you knead ‘em like bread dough?
Do they make you say “Oh dear-a!”
When you look into a mirror?
Do your chins hang low?

Do your sides hang wide?
Do they flap from side to side?
Does your belly kinda flop?
Do you have a muffin top?
One of the low-waisted types?
Do you look real bad in stripes?
Do your sides hang wide?

Is the weight coming down?
Have you quit messing around?
Are you starting to eat less?
Are you making good progress?
Are you starting to believe it,
That you really can achieve it?
Is the weight coming down?

Healthy-Living Health Tips for College Students in College

• Use my secret recipe for “Cola Water” (half cola, half water); it’s got half the sugar and calories as regular cola!

• You can make sure that you get plenty of sleep each week by researching and scheduling the most uninteresting classes taught by the most boring professors.

• You can turn your dorm bed into an exercise trampoline by… well… just by jumping on it, I guess.

• Replace frat-party beer keg with vat of fresh-squeezed carrot juice.

• Choose whole-wheat crust for your breakfast pizza.

• Streaking burns over 750 calories per hour.

• Build strong arm muscles by taking an astrophysics class; have you seen the size of that textbook?

• Get your heart rate to maximum level by running up and down 20 flights of stairs or forgetting to study for your midterm exams.

• Alternate wheatgrass and tequila shots.

• Try eating fresh healthy food and getting plenty of exercise instead of what you normally do.

Superfreakily Fit

She's a very healthy girl.

The kind that don’t eat Quarter Pounders.

You will not believe the way she runs,
When you see her on the street,
Ow girl.



She likes the boys with the blogs;

She says that I'm her all-time favorite.
When she’s cooking, she always uses olive oil
She's never uses grease, ow no.

That girl is pretty healthy.

The girl is super fit.

The kind of girl you read about
In fitness magazines.

That girl is pretty stinky

The girl is super fit.
She really needs to shower,
After she works out.

But she's all right, she's all right
.
That girl's all right with me, yeah



She is super fit, super fit
She's super-fitty, yow

(everybody sing)

Super fit, super fit.


I am a Little Moron

My father Horace once told me the very inspirational story of the Big Moron and the Little Moron.

It seems that the Big Moron and the Little Moron were sitting on a log, and one of them fell off.

Who do you suppose it was?

The Big Moron is the one who fell from the log, because… well… how did Horace put it: “The Little Moron was a little more on. Get it? He was a little more on!”

Okay, maybe it was a joke and not an inspirational story, but I’m feeling like I’m a Little Moron these days.

A little more on track.

A little more on plan.

A little more on focus.

A little more on starting the day with a plan and end the day with a pat on the back.

I’m a Big Moron who’s a little more on.

More Health Tips for Healthy Life-Living

• Cut back on high fructose corn syrup and really cut back on higher fructose corn syrup (and don't even get me started about highest fructose corn syrup!)



• Find time to sneak in exercise; for example, do some lunge-squats while waiting in line at Baskin-Robbins.



• You can make your own multi-vitamins by gluing a bunch of regular vitamins together.

• Set realistic goals, such as “This week, I am going to walk down to the mailbox to get the mail instead of taking the car.”

• It’s unhealthy to sleep on your heart, so always make certain that you keep your heart inside your body while asleep.

• Horny Goat Weed is a natural herbal supplement that increases libido in men and women, improves erectile function in men and–come to think of it–is a really sweet name for a band.

• Really spicy food can raise your metabolism, by making you run back and forth to the fridge to grab ice cubes to suck on.

• Taking a cold shower improves your skin tone and circulation, helps ward off colds and leaves more hot water for me.