Jack Sh*ttiday & the Fatpants Kid

Kid: Dammit! I’m hungry!

Jack: Well, the way I figure it, we can either diet or give. If we give, we go back to being obese.

Kid: I’ve been there already.

Jack: But if we diet, we may get starved out. Or we’ll get too weak to work out. Might even get malnourished and get sick. What else can happen?

Kid: We could eat what we want and lose weight, but I wouldn’t count on that.

Jack: Kid, the next time I say let’s go someplace like Weight Watchers, let’s go someplace like Weight Watchers.

Kid: Next time. (pause) Ready for lunch?

Jack: No, we’ll exercise…

Kid: Like hell we will.

Jack: No, it’ll be okay. If we don’t try to bench press too much and get squished to death. It’ll build muscle and help burn fat faster.

Kid: How do you know?

Jack: Would you work out if you didn’t have to?

Kid: I have to and I’m not gonna.

Jack: Well, we got to, otherwise we’re not ever gonna lose these extra pounds. Come on…

Kid: Just one donut, that’s all I want.

Jack: Come on.

Kid: Uh uh

Jack: We got to!

Kid: Nope! Get away from me!

Jack: Why?

Kid: I don’t wanna go!

Jack: You wanna diet?

Kid: Do you?

Jack: Alright. I’ll work out first.

Kid: Nope.

Jack: Then you work out first.

Kid: No, I said.

Jack: What’s the matter with you?

Kid: I CAN’T SWIM!

Jack: Bwhahahahahahahaha. Why, you crazy! The gym doesn’t even have a pool, dumbass!

Even More Ways to Make Your Kids Eat Healthier

• Two choices: eat this celery stalk or get slapped by it!

• Take out the Pop-Tart filling and replace with mashed sweet potato.

• Take them to a slaughterhouse to show them just how sausage is made, or if you really want to shake them up, take them to your job and show them how money to buy sausage is made.

• Tell your child that eating broccoli is like “eating a little tree”; if he replies, “Why would I want to eat a little tree?” then you should answer, “Just shut up and eat the stupid broccoli!”

• Though it can get expensive, my “quarter-per-pea” method generally gets results.

• Start calling Brussels sprouts “baby boom-boom cabbages.”

• Every time your children take a bite of something unhealthy, clang cymbals together loudly right behind their heads.

• Remember, you get more success by using the carrot than the stick (except when trying to get kids to eat carrots; the stick is definitely the way to go there).

• There’s a simple way to get kids to like eggplant (I just don’t know what it is…).

• Kids learn by watching their parents, so you really to learn to pretend you’re enjoying eating vegetables.

Puffy The Tragic Draggin’ Ass

Puffy, the tragic draggin’ ass, lived life obese

And ate and snacked in his Lazy-Boy
While he watched his health decrease.

Little Jackie Sh*tter got on Puffy’s case,
And did his best to lead him to a healthy living place. Oh!

Puffy, the tragic draggin’ ass, didn’t want to change.

His calorie counts had more numbers than the New York Stock Exchange. 

Puffy, the tragic draggin’ ass was short-changing his own health.
But he never was gonna change things if he couldn’t change himself. 
 


Together those two plotted to do something about his mass.
Jackie made a plan to work on Puffy’s gigantic ass.
Exercise and nutrition, have become the big man’s friend,
And now he gets excited whenever he weighs in. Oh!

Puffy, the tragic draggin’ ass, has really changed his ways.
No longer does he take Lipitor dipped in mayonnaise.
Puffy, the tragic draggin’ ass is wearing smaller slacks.
And’s even startin’ bloggin’ (tho his site’s not dumb as Jack’s).
 


No one lives forever (though that is Jackie’s plan),
But livin’ longer’s easier when you’re a healthy man.
Puffy learned his lesson: good health you can’t ignore.
And Puffy plans to be a healthy person forevermore.

His head is held up proudly, he looks good in his clothes.
Puffy no longer checks a mirror to see if he’s got toes.
He wakes up with lots of energy; his future’s not so gray,
And Puffy the magic weight-loss guy’s ready for a brand new day. Oh…

Puffy, the tragic draggin’ ass, lived extra wide,

But discovered he didn’t have to, his fate his to decide. 

Puffy, the magic weight-loss guy, finally broke free.
And frolicks in the autumn mist in a land called Healthy Me.

11 Questions, 11 Answers And An 11-lb Loss

Wait... I may have put a decimal point in the wrong spot. Oh well...

Weekly weigh-in: 250.4
 Loss: -1.1

Total loss: -41.1
Emotion: Movin' and Groovin'

I was tagged by TJ at TJ’s Test Kitchen (who knows for a fact just how much I dislike these things) to take part in this question list.

But just to spite her, I’m gonna have fun with it! FUN, YOU HEAR ME, TJ?!!? FUN!!!! SO MUCH FUN THAT FUN STARTS LEAKING OUT OF MY FREAKIN’ EARS!!!!




The Rules (BECAUSE WHAT IS MORE FUN THAN A BUNCH OF RULES?):

1. Post these rules.

2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.

3. Answer the questions set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.

5. Go to their blog and tell them you've tagged them.

6. No stuff in the tagging section about you are tagged if you are reading this. You legitimately have to tag 11 people.

So here we go ....

Jack’s Random 11

1. I overtip at restaurants because my dad Horace is a notoriously terrible tipper.

2. I was diagnosed with astigmatism when I was 7 or 8 and put in glasses. Five years later, the doc said my eyes weren’t getting any better or worse, so I quit wearing the glasses and have never worn them since.

3. I won the King Bee reading contest in first grade.

4. We had a lady come in to do laundry when my daughter Pisa was little; it turns out that all she was doing was spraying them with Febreeze and ironing them while watching TV.

5. When doing a family history project for school, I learned that I have a Mississippi relative that went to Parchman prison for killing his father during an argument over a cigarette lighter.

6. Marc Gasol, the center for the Memphis Grizzlies NBA team who signed a max contract this year ($48 million over 4 years) owes me $5. I let him borrow a five-spot when he was a high school senior and told him he could pay me back when he made it to the NBA.

7. I had an uncle who got so drunk that he ran his car into a train. In the middle.

8. I own three watches; I never, ever wear a watch.

9. When I was an infant, my mother once gave me (and I drank) a bottle of spoiled milk.

10. The worse flop-sweat I ever got was during an interview for a job I didn’t even want.

11. I have visited every state in the U.S. except for the 27 that I consider to be lame.


My answers to TJ’s questions

1. Favorite holiday? The next one on the calendar.

2. What is the best gift you ever given to someone? The gift of Life (to my daughters).

3. Who taught you to cook? My mother. I watched what she did, and tried to do the exact opposite.

4. Any ingredient that scares you? Cilantro. Most people don’t realize that this is actually poison.

5. What city/state were you born in? Memphis, TN

6. Ice cream or frozen yogurt? Yes, please.

7. What flavors/toppings? Nothing. Nada. Nil.

8. If you could play with a toy from your childhood today- what would it be? 

9. Got a nickname? Sh*t-For-Brains

10. How long does it take you to take a shower & get ready to start your day? 12 minutes

11. Are you afraid of any animals? Weiner dogs


My Tagees:

1. Anne @ Carb Tripper
2. Jody @ Truth2BeingFit
3. Chris @ A Deliberate Life
4. Stephen @ Who Ate My Blog
5. Cyndi @ RunRollRepeat -
6. Dawn @ Fixing Myself Thinner -
7. Kelly @ Happy Texans
8. Charlie @ Operation: Shrink Charlie’s Big Butt
9. Lily Fluffbottom @ Lily Fluffbottom’s Weight Loss Adventure
10. Tammy @ Fat to Fab
11. Mary @ A Merry Life


Questions for the Tagees:

1. What movie title best describes this point in your life?
2. What food makes you think of your childhood?
3. What is your best feature?
4. Which cartoon character do you most resemble?
5. What are you most grateful for?
6. Would you rather go without salt or pepper?
7. Why are the holes in cats fur always in the right places for their eyes?
8. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
9. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
10. First thing you’d do if you won the lottery?
11. Who’s your favorite blogger named “Jack”?

Healthy Super Bowl Party Ideas

• Mount big-screen TV on back of pick-up truck and have someone drive it on 10K course while everyone jogs behind

• Figs-in-a-blanket

• Every time team gets a first down, everybody does 10 lunges

• Halftime Zumba

• Salami? No. Kohlrabi? Yes!

• Keg of fresh, cold aqua

• Serve a huge bowl of M&M’s (melons and mangoes)

• Every time announcer says “They have to establish their running game,” everybody has to eat a stalk of celery.

• Move all furniture out of living room and have guests re-enact each play during game

• Football-shaped beet-loaf

• Have each guest predict final score and loss on next weigh-in

• AstroTurf appetizers (wheatgrass on melba toast)

• Instead of chips-n-dip, how’s about prunes-n-prawns?

One last thing: whatever you do, please don’t invite me to your Super Bowl party if you plan on following any of these tips!

Two Stories About Two Frogs

Once there were these two frogs in fell into a bucket of milk. One struggled for a bit, but quickly realized that fighting would do no good and gave up. He sank to the bottom of the bucket and drowned. However, the second frog decided that he was going to give up without a fight, so he kicked and swam with all his might. Much to his surprise, his constant churning turned the cream into butter and he was able to hop out of the bucket.

Moral: Never stop fighting.

Once there were these two frogs who fell into a patch of quicksand. The first one decided that he wasn’t going to give up without a fight, so he kicked and swam with all his might. Much to his surprise, his constant churning sent him straight to the bottom of the pit where he promptly drowned. The second frog quickly realized that fighting would do no good, so he calmly stretched out and made no movement. His lack of motion allowed him to float on the surface of the quicksand, and eventually, he eased himself to the edge of the pit.

Moral: Stop fighting... no... that's terrible. Ummm, how about "Never play near quicksand"?

More Weight Loss Songs for the Wee Little Children



Do You Have a Muffin Top?


Oh, do you have a muffin top?

A muffin top, a muffin top?
Do you have a muffin top,
That rests above your waist?


Oh, yes I have a muffin top,
A muffin top, a muffin top.
Yes, I have a muffin top.
But it’s gonna get erased!

The Eensy Weensy Dieter 

The Eensy Weensy Dieter ate a dog with extra kraut.
Up went his weight, and made the dieter pout.
Went out for a run, and away went the gain,
And the Eensy Weensy Dieter 
was happy once again.



My Fannie Lies Over My Waistband
My fannie rides over my waistband,

My fannie rides over my jeans.
My fannie rides over my waistband,
Oh please make my fannie more lean
.
Slim down, slim down, Oh  slim down my fannie for me, for me.
Slim down, slim down, O slim down my fannie for me. 





Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Beer Belly Gone?
Oh where, oh where has my beer belly gone?
Oh where, oh where can it be?

With my meals cut short and my workouts long.

Oh where, oh where can it… oh, I see! It’s all about burning more calories than you consume. So simple!



Whistle While You Work Out



Just whistle while working out.
Da da dada da da (don’t pout)
And cheerfully together
Fat for muscle we'll replace. 

It’ll be less crappy if you stay happy
With a smile upon your face.

And as you sweat and shred

Just try to imagine instead

It’s only a scary nightmare

And that you're back home in bed.