Fatanic

INT. DINING SALOON

 

                                   RUTH

Tell us of the food in steerage, Mr. Sh*t. I hear it’s quite good on this ship.

                                   JACK

The best I've seen, m'am. Hardly any rats.


                                    CAL
Mr. Sh*t is joining us from seventh class. He was of some assistance to my fiancee last night.


                                   JACK
I just showed her the proper way to do pelvic thrusts.


                                   CAL
Anyway, This is foie gras, Jack. It's…


                                   JACK
Goose liver, I know. But did you know that foie gras is surprisingly low in bad fats and high in good fats?


                                GUGGENHEIM 

                          (low to Madame Aubert)
What is Hockly hoping to prove, bringing this... blog-hemian... up here?


                                  WAITER
                                   (to Jack)
Would you care for some caviar, sir?


                                    JACK
That’s a tough one… caviar’s really high in cholesterol and sodium, but on the other hand, it’s a rich source of vitamins A and D, as well as omega-3 fatty acids which some researchers say can aid in deterring depression.

                               
                                   RUTH
And where exactly do you live, Mr. Sh*t?


                                   JACK
Well, right now my address is the RMS Fatanic. After that, I'm thinking about stowing away on the Good Ship Lollipop.


                                   RUTH
You find that sort of rootless existence appealing, do you?


                                   JACK
Well... I’m all about staying active, and seeing the world is a great way to do it. Plus, these big ships have really nice fitness facilities. I just hate that they serve 12 meals a day… and that midnight chocolate fountain dessert buffet is a killer! Literally and figuratively! But I’ve learned a hard lesson in this life: to make every calorie count.


                                   MOLLY
Well said, Jack.


                                   COLONEL GRACIE
Here, here.


                                   ROSE
To making every calorie count.


                                   RUTH
How is it you have the means to travel, Mr. Sh*t?


                                   JACK
I have a very popular health and dieting blog.


                                  GRACIE
How much does that make?


                                    JACK
A whole lot, unless you mean actual cash money.

                                   ROSE
Mr. Andrews, what are you doing? I see you everywhere writing in this little book.


                                   ANDREWS
Tracking calories. Our young friend Jack showed me how. See… one scoop of goose liver, 250 calories. It’s really quite informative.


                                   ISMAY
It’s gotten to be Thomas’ obsession. He even made me thin out the walls of the hull to make room for that silly lap pool he wanted installed.

                                  ANDREWS
I have to give Mr. Sh*t the credit for that idea.

                                  
                                   COLONEL GRACIE
Well, join me for a brandy, gentlemen?

                                   ROSE
Now they retreat into a cloud of smoke and congratulate each other on being masters of the universe.


                                   COLONEL GRACIE
Joining us, Sh*t? Or are you going to lecture us on how unhealthy brandy is?


                                   JACK
Actually, consuming 30 milliters of brandy per day reportedly has a similar antioxidant effect as a regular dose of vitamin C. But I’m going to get in a late-night workout. I might even do a little swimming once my supper settles…


                                   ROSE
Well, Jack. Thank you for sharing all that useful info on eating healthy and exercise. Is that what your blog is all about?

                                   JACK
No, that’s just the tip of the ice…

BLAAAAAM - CRRUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH

…what the Hell was that?

I'm Feeling a Little (Health) Tipsy

• An easy way to remember to take a daily vitamin is to put 30 of them in your mouth at beginning of month and then just swallow one per day.

• Trade your power mower for a push version. If you already use a push mower, trade it in for a push mower that doesn’t have wheels.

• Instead of a glass of orange juice, which may be may be heat processed, watered down, sugared up and stored for a year, why not just drink an orange?

• One way to eat less pork is to raise a baby pig, letting it become your very best friend, and then take him on a field trip to a slaughterhouse.

• You can make good-for-you “Fruit Loops” by looping fresh fruit.

• In order to save calories, instead of 12 ounces of your favorite dish, try eating 11 ounces.

• Did you know that cheese dip isn’t really that unhealthy for your diet, according to a study published in Mexican Restaurant magazine?

• Got some old mushy bananas? Try going to the store and getting some new fresh bananas.

• Adopt the motto “after 8 is too late” for snacks after dinner, as well as the mottos “replace your Skittles with healthy vittles” and “losing weight won’t be so exhausting if you don’t eat that can of frosting.”

Famous Last Words

• “Maybe I’ll just look at the dessert menu…”

• “A week off from exercise will probably be good for me.”

• “Well, I AM on vacation…”

• “Since we’re working late, let’s just order in a pizza…”

• “Well, I hate for it to go to waste…”

• “I can’t really justify that gym membership anymore…”

• “Hey, who brought donuts?”

• “Maybe I’ll just get a small popcorn at the movies…”

• “I’ll just start a new diet on Monday…”

• “Just a little piece… well, maybe not that little… just a bit more…”

• “Maybe I’ll just watch one episode of Mad Men on Netflix on Demand…”

• “A coupon for the all-you-can-eat buffet, you say?”

• “Why not?”

Bam Ba Lam

Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog) 

Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog) 


Jack Sh*tty had a prob (Jog-n-Blog) 

Turned into a blob (Jog-n-Blog) 

Said he could change any time (Jog-n-Blog) 

But appears he was lyin’ (Jog-n-Blog) 


I said, Oh, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog) 

Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog) 



Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog) 

Go, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog)
He got his life in gear (Jog-n-Blog)
Started laying off the beer (Jog-n-Blog)

He’s improved immensely (Jog-n-Blog) 

Now he lives less densely (Jog-n-Blog) 

Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog) 

Go, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog) 



Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog) 

Go, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog) 

He’s bloggin’ all the time (Jog-n-Blog) 

Don’t ever earn a dime (Jog-n-Blog) 

He may never get rich (Jog-n-Blog) 

But he’s a healthy sumb*tch. (Jog-n-Blog)
Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog)
Go, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog)

January First Things First

Resolutions That Probably Shouldn’t Be On Your List

•  Quit smoking and chewing tobacco at the same time

• Make sure you drink at least one Slurpee per day

• Read more… or at least watch more movies based on books… or at least watch more TV shows based on movies based on books… or at least just watch more TV.

• Exercise at least one minute per week

• Quit drinking coffee after 10 p.m.

• Floss semi-annually

• Take up something new, like salsa-dancing or salsa-eating

• Cut internet time down to 26 hours a day

• Spend more time with friends, family and/or strippers

• Work at reducing debt by purchasing one lottery ticket per day

• Organize office by setting desk on fire

• Each week, spend at least 12 hours improving Angry Birdage skills

Don’t Read This!

I’m serious!

This is personal, something just for myself.

I know, it would probably make more sense to simply keep this as a regular document on my computer, but I’ve already started a blog post and I like to finish things that I start (except for that ship-in-a-bottle project that I started in 1989; damn my giant hands!).

Instead, I’ll run you all off by explaining, in excruciating detail, the rules of cricket.

According to Wikipedia, Cricket is a bat-and-ball game played between two teams of 11 players on an oval-shaped field, at the centre of which is a rectangular 22-yard long pitch. One team bats, trying to score as many runs as possible while the other team bowls and fields, trying to dismiss the batsmen and thus limit the runs scored by the batting team. A run is scored by the striking batsman hitting the ball with his bat, running to the opposite end of the pitch and touching the crease there without being dismissed. The teams switch between batting and fielding at the end of an innings. In professional cricket the length of a game ranges from 20 overs of six bowling deliveries per side to Test cricket played over five days. The Laws of Cricket are maintained by the International Cricket Council (ICC) and the Marylebone Cricket Club (MCC) with additional Standard Playing Conditions for Test matches and One Day Internationals. Cricket was first played in southern England in the 16th century. By the end of the 18th century, it had developed into the national sport of England. The expansion of the British Empire led to cricket being played overseas and by the mid-19th century the first international matches were being held. The ICC, the game's governing body, has ten full members. The game is played particularly in Australasia, the Indian subcontinent, the West Indies, Southern Africa and England.

Okay, that should have gotten rid of everyone off by now.

Now Jack… Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack…

Think about how good you feel right now, right this very second. You’ve been eating well and exercising regularly for the last week or so.

AND YOU FEEL SO FREAKIN’ GOOD.

You fell off the wagon and you were draggin’ the entire time. You had no energy. Your get-up-and-go just got up and went. The connection was obvious, but you couldn’t put two and two together.

So here’s your reminder, dumbass:  Good health and weight loss is a giant boulder that, once it starts rolling, can bust through virtually any obstacle.

But when it comes to a stop, it can be next-to-impossible to get moving again.

So do yourself a favor…

Get it rolling.

Keep it rolling.

And keep it rolling some more.