Thursday, July 30, 2015

How Jack Got His Groove Back

Longtime readers (wait... are there any longtime readers around here?) surely have noticed a newfound re-commitment to my healthy living goals on this site.

A few folks have reached out with questions. What got you back on track, Jack? What changed for you? How are you doing it? Can I borrow $500?

Let me try to explain:  I had been slacking off and I knew it. This blog was nothin' but silly stuff, and my scale was apparently on an extended vacation on a tropical isle. I don't know about you, but I tend to respond to gaining weight by forgetting everything I know about healthy eating. How'd that work out for you, Jack?

I was already in the process of trying to attempt to get myself pumped up to get back on the wagon when I noticed the wagon roll by with my smiling wife Anita sitting on board.

She had recently gotten back to using the MyFitnessPal app to track her food and was seeing tremendous success. Wait, I thought, which one of us is the world-famous weight-loss blogger around here anyways?

So just like that, I snapped back on plan.

It was hard at first. Of course it was hard at first. It’s always hard at first. But a week went by and ten pounds melted off lickety-split.

Soon I noticed that I felt a little better, had a little more energy and had found my good groove again. I go to bed hungry sometimes, but I never go to bed disappointed with myself. I actually look forward to hopping on the scale.

I don’t know where you are on this madcap weight-loss adventure, whether you’re taking that first tentative step or striding confidently towards your goals, but I’m sure you know the same thing that I re-discovered a couple of months back…

I can do this is I want to.


And I want to.


Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Is It Getting Hot In Here Or Is It Just Me?

Free Weights Are My Foreplay  by Chris P. Bacon

Banana in the Fruit Salad
 by Hugh Jass

Push-Up Partners by Walter Melon

Putting the “Skinny”  in “Skinny Dipping”
by Brighton Early

Flirting with Good Health by Biff Wellington

Running Makes Me Racy by Jack Tupp

A Knight in Shining Spandex by Bess Eaton

Dimitri’s Dirty Secret (She Never Cleaned Out Her Gym Bag) by Earl Lee Riser

Fat-Free Fling by Russell Sprout

Dressing on the Side by Ben Dover

Calore-Counting Call Girl  by Tad Moore

Hide the Cannoli (It Has 375 Calories Per Serving!) by Eddie Bull

He Caught Me Masticating
by Howie Doohan

Extremely Hot Yoga by Marsha Mellow

Squat Thrusts in the Cucumber Patch 
by Kenya Dewit

It’s Getting Steamy In Here (Because I’m Steaming a Little Broccoli)  by Ophelia Payne

Show Me Your Kumquat by Eaton Wright and Liv Good

Lean Beef Stroganoff by Brock Lee

Let’s Do It Bloggy-Style
by Al K. Seltzer

Monday, July 27, 2015

Let Me Ask You a Question...

Is there a better feeling in the whole wide world than slipping comfortably into a size smaller pants?

Witnessing the birth of your first child? Well, obviously I think witnessing the birth of your first child beats slipping comfortably into a size smaller pants. D'uh!

Witnessing the birth of your second child? Okay, I'll concede that witnessing the birth of ANY of your children is a better moment than wearing pants one size smaller.

Seeing your child graduate from high school or college? Look, for argument's sake, let's just take out any and all scenarios involving your kids, okay? Children are off-limits for this discussion. Capiche?

Watching your favorite sports team win a championship? Okay, that's pretty awesome, too.

Seeing the ocean for the first time? The Grand Canyon? Times Square? Yes, yes, yes. And before you say it, yes to visiting Las Vegas, driving your first car, understanding algebra, your first kiss and watching YouTube videos of skateboarders falling and busting their asses. Yes, yes, yes!

Maybe I should start this post over...

You know what feels really good?

Slipping into smaller-sized pants.

WEEKLY WEIGH-IN

Last week’s weight: 252.3 lbs
This week’s weight: 249.1 lbs
Loss:  3.2 lbs
Total loss since re-start: 27.7 lbs




Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Yo

Yo.

I don’t mean yo like, “Yo, what up my diggity dawg?”

I mean yo like yo-yo.

Like lose the weight, yo.

Gain it back, yo.

I have a bad history with big losses and slow, steady gain-backs.

I screw up my will and make a gigantic push toward a specific goal.

I reach my goal.

I celebrate.

I celebrate some more.

I lose track of myself, eating a little too much, drinking a little too much, exercising a little too little.

A pound here.

A pound there.

It adds up, but you know that already.

I’m yo’ing again, yo.

Twenty-five pounds down in less than two months.

Just tracking exactly what I put in my piehole.

Making sure I pop a little sweat each day.

This yo-yo is on the way down.


Maybe this time, it’ll occur to me to cut the string.


Monday, July 20, 2015

This Is It! (Seriously... This Really Is It)

I took a deep breath.

This was it.

My big moment.

This was

THE

BIGGEST

WEIGH-IN

OF

MY

LIFE!!!!!!!!!

Maybe that’s an overstatement, and maybe it’s hyperbole, but that’s how I felt.

I cracked my knuckles, shook out my arms and toed the scale into position.

“Let’s do this,” I muttered under my breath as I stepped up to view my fate.

Last week’s weight: 256.6 lbs
This week’s weight: 252.3 lbs
Loss:  4.3 lbs
Total loss since re-start: 24.5 lbs

I hopped off the scale, but I didn’t celebrate.

No, it was time to go to work.

Time to get ready for next week.

Because next week is

THE

BIGGEST

WEIGH-IN

OF

MY


LIFE!!!!!!!!




Friday, July 17, 2015

Teen Lite Lit

• The Hungry Games
• Not-So-Little Women
• A Series of Unfortunate Weigh-Ins
• The Perks of Eating a Cauliflower
• The Fault in Our Carbs
• To Grill a Mockingbird
• Anne of Green Salads
• An Abundance of Katherine
• Fat-Free Yogurt for Algernon
• The Curious Incident of the Snacker in the Night-Time
• Twi-Lite
• Tuck Ever-Fasting
• Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, and It Feels Like This Spin Class Will Never End!
• Fannie on My Mind
• Roll of Abdomen, Hear My Cry
• The Sisterhood of the Tightening Pants
• Starvegirl
• Anna and the French Bread
• The Princess Eat-Less Diaries
• The Call of the Wide

• Hairy Blogger and the Goblet of Fries

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Kefir Madness – My Lifeway Protein Drink Review

This kefir's a keeper!
So, this person representing Lifeway products contacted me and asked if I wanted some free samples of their nonfat cultured-milk smoothie. Fortunately, they passed my two rules for reviewing products on this site: (1) they must be willing to send me products to review and (2)… okay, there’re no other rules. I’M NOT A BIG RULE GUY, OKAY?

It became clear that in order to produce an intelligent post about this product, I was going to have to crack down and do a little research.

“Anita,” I yelled at my wife in the other room. “What’s a kefir?”

“Kefir?” she called back.

“Yeah,” I replied. “And don’t say that guy in the 24 show that kills all the terrorists because I’m saving that in case I need to make this post more funny.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea to save that,” she said, rolling her eyes as she entered the room. “Kefir is a tart-tasting drink made from cow’s or sometimes goat’s milk.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound too bad except for the tart part,” I said, taking a big swig.

“Oh yeah,” she added. “And they add bacteria to it.”

After I spit it all out and rinsed my mouth out with Lysol, she explained to me the benefits of cultured food products like kefir. It turns out – you’re not going to believe this - that they contain beneficial microbes that aid the human digestive process.

You know,” remarked Anita. “One study showed that those who drank kefir noted at least 50 percent less flatulence, so I encourage to drink all you can hold down, Jack. Plus, it’s been shown to significantly help irritable bowel syndrome and promise in lowering cholesterol.”

Note to Lifeway: I'd shelf your line of Black Ice
popsicles you sent with the kefir; impressive that
they were still cold, but they taste awful!
“Well, did you know,” I shot back intelligently. “That with 20 grams of protein per serving, the new Lifeway Protein Kefir is a tasty, probiotic way to promote muscle recovery after a session at the gym, a game on the racquetball court, or any other vigorous exercise. The extra boost of protein also promotes satiety and thereby decreases appetite, making it a perfect "anytime" pick-me-up - with or without a workout - that helps control unhealthy snacking.”

“You’re going to just cut-and-paste that right from the web site, aren’t you?” she grimaced.

“Look, who’s writing this review, me or you?”

“Whatever,” she said, shaking her head. “Just don’t give it a million stars like you always…”

“I give Lifeway Protein Kefir ONE MILLION STARS!!!!!” I declared triumphantly.

“At least mention the flavors available,” she sighed.

“Vanilla, Salted Caramel, Banana and ummmmm… Tickleberry.”

“Tickleberry?”

“I think it was Tickleberry,” I frowned. “I didn’t hang on to that first bottle.”



Note: I was not paid for this review, which is probably the reason it is so poorly and hastily written. Lifeway products are available at stores. For more information, go to the Lifeway site at … ummmmm… look, can’t you just Google it for yourself. Oh fine, lazyass; here’s your freakin’ link, you baby.

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