Saturday, July 30, 2011

At My W.I.D.T.H.'s End?

A little over a year ago, I asked readers to do me a solid: jot down the reason (or reasons) that you're on this weight-loss/healthy-living kick. The feedback I got (and have continued to get) just blew me away. 
I'd like to keep the ball rolling, but it's going to require some help from you. Spread the word on your blog, on your tweets, on your Facebook wall or Google Plus... ummmm... whatever Google Plus call's their Facebook wall. Bang the drum and help me keep the W.I.D.T.H. train rolling...

Email  contributions to and be sure to include a blog link if you want it included.


Friday, July 29, 2011

Even More Weight Loss Songs for Kids

Yankee Doodle Fatty

Jackie Doodie went to town,
Sad about his bigness.
Decided to visit a buffet,
And put it out of business.

Jackie Doodie, keep it up.
Jackie Doodie, fatty.
Keep on chowing down like that,
And life will end quite badly.

Jackie Doodie went on a diet,
Cut back on snacks and candy.
Lost a bunch of weight, by God,
And now he’s feelin’ dandy.

Jackie Doodie, keep it up.
Jack Doodie, healthy.
Keep on eating like you should
And your future’ll be more carefree.

Jackie Doodie went to the gym,
And ran upon the treadmill,
That’ll do more for your bod
That being overfed will.

Jackie Doodie, keep it up.
Jack Doodie, sweaty.
Running isn’t quite so tough
Without that big ol’ belly.

It's A Not-So-Small World

It’s a world of fashion, a world of play.
It’s a world of fun, it’s a world not-so-gray.

There’s so much we can do,
When we’re not the size of two.

We’re getting smaller, after all


We’re getting smaller, after all.
We’re getting smaller, after all.
We’re getting smaller after.
It’s a tall, tall task.

There is just one life and one golden chance.
To get ourselves more fit and wear skinnier pants.
It’s time for us to decide
We don’t wanna be so wide.
In this small, small world.

Frère Jack Sh*t

Are you snacking, are you snacking?

Blogger Jack, Blogger Jack?
Weigh-in day is coming,
Weigh-in day is coming.
Damn damn damn, damn damn damn.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

How To Be a Health-Conscious Parent

• Kids learn eating habits by watching their parents, so be sure to hide in the closet while wolfing down that family-size bag of peanut M&Ms.

• Limit television to 17 hours a day.

• Introduce new foods by helping kids make a connection to foods they already like; for instance, “This is celery, the banana’s learning-disabled cousin.”

• Encourage active play like biking, swimming and ditch-digging.

• No more fishsticks for breakfast (except on special occasions or weekends).

• Small children love to spend active time running around at the park. Just remember to pick ‘em up after the movie’s over.

• Buy a box of one of those crazy, colorful cereals that kids love, pour it all in the trash and replace it with one of those healthy options in the Natural Foods section, such as Flaxseed Flakes or Quinoa Puffs. They’ll never know you pulled a switcheroo!

• Make parsnip puppets.

• An easy way to make kids eat all their vegetables is to tell that you’ll take ‘em to Disneyland next week if they’ll eat them. Note: this will only work two or three times before they wise up.

• If your child won't take a vitamin, hide it inside a raisin. If he/she doesn't like raisins, hide the raisin inside a deviled egg. Doesn't like deviled eggs? Hide the deviled egg inside some s'mores. C'mon, all kids like s'mores!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


So, I was trying out this new gym in town called “Persia-nal Trainers,” when I notice something golden glittering behind the stationary bikes.

I’m always leaving water bottles at the gym, so I was delighted to pick up a lost bottle. There was some writing on the side, so I rubbed it with my sweat towel to see if I could read it.

Suddenly, a strange figure materialized from a cloud of smoke that emitted from the bottle.

“Greetings!” spoke the enormous figure, stroking a magnificent goatee. “I am Gene from the bottle.”

“I thought it was “genie,” I remarked.

“I’m a boy, dumbass,” intoned the imposing figure, a stern expression on his face. “I can grant you one wish as payment for releasing me from my eternal imprisonment.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I answered. “I thought I get three wishes.”

“What can I say?” frowned Gene. “This economy is affecting us all…”

“Okay,” I muttered. “One wish… one wish…”

“C’mon, already,” whined Gene. “I’ve got a reservation at Alli Baba Ganoush and the 40 Pitas.

“There’s so many things I could wish for,” I frowned. “A magic scale that never shows a gain, pants that never get tight, magic donuts that burn calories, running shoes that actually do the running for you…”

“I may be immortal, but I don’t have all day,” growled Gene.

“I wish… I wish…,” I said. “I wish I could think of something really good. Oh wait… I’ve got it.”

“Your wish has been granted!”

“Wait!” I shrieked. “I was gonna wish for an unlimited supply of wishes…”

The genie had already disappeared, but as I stood there in the empty gym, a smile crossed my lips.

“Hey, free water bottle!”

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Sh*tJack TightPants

Are ya ready to lose weight, kids?
Aye aye crap-tain! 
I can’t hear you.

Who blogs every day about obesity?
Sh*tJack TightPants!

Committed and awesome and humble is he.
Sh*tJack TightPants!
If diet-tal nonsense be somethin’ you want,
Sh*tJack TightPants!

Then stop by every day (but put down that croissant).
Sh*tJack TightPants! 

Ready? Sh*tJack TightPants!

Sh*tJack TightPants!

Sh*tJack TightPants!
Sh*tJack TightPaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaants!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Breaking In a New Scale

Weekly weigh-in: 225.0

Loss: -.9

Total loss: -66.9

Emotion: Three-quarters awesome

Jack: I know this is your first day on the job, but there’s a few things we need to get straight before you start…

Scale: Hop on.

Jack: You see, I think we should begin these weigh-in proceedings with some witty banner. Maybe a joke, maybe a funny anecdote…

Scale: I said “Hop on, bitch!”

Jack: I don’t understand why every scale I come in contact with has to have such a piss-poor attitude.

Scale: What part of “Hop on, bitch!” do you not understand?

Jack: I'm just saying that I think there's room for some civility in our relationship...

Scale: Do you think I enjoy sitting here, staring at your junk all day? Hop on!

Jack: You know, a few words of encouragement might make all the difference in this situation.

Scale: I’m going back to sleep now.

Jack: No, no… let’s do this thang!

Scale: 225.0

Jack: You couldn’t have given me a tenth of pound so I could have lost an whole pound this week?

Scale: Next!

Saturday, July 23, 2011

One-Woman W.I.D.T.H.

I like that sometimes people can wrap up why they're on this journey in a nice, succinct manner and other times a person has to make a Broadway production out of it. For me, there's no right or wrong ways to do communicate it, just like there are no right or wrong reasons to lose weight or get more fit. Why are you on this path? Email me your contribution to


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