Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Quitting Time

I joke and josh here more often than not because I know that this weight-loss journey we’re on is a long, hard haul and, let’s face it, it helps to smile, to chuckle, to laugh a little along the way.

None of us are going to get to where we’re headed overnight. We’re going to have good weeks and bad weeks. We’re going to hit milestones and suffer setbacks. That's just the way it is.

We’re going to have times when Life hits us with more than we can possibly handle and… let us be honest with one another… we’re going to have times when we disappoint ourselves.

Some of us are even going to give up. I hate to say that but it’s just something I’ve noticed along the way. Maybe we won’t even actively decide to give up… it’s just something that will sort of happen. That’s just the way it goes sometimes.

If this was years ago, I might even be one of those folks who quietly slipped away… just dropped off the scene and inexplicably porked back up. That’s been my history, after all. That's been all I've ever known.

Maybe you would have thrown in the towel, too, in days gone by. Just slipped away and decided that reclaiming your body was too big of a project to take on at this point in your life. Perhaps you would lost your way back in the day…

But this isn’t back in the day. Far from it…

I’m happy to report that while giving up may seem to be what’s on my mind today, giving up is really the last thing on my mind today. I will keep chugging along, keep making the best choices I can, keep doing what I can to bend my body to my will and keep my head in the game.

I hope you’re in a good place today, too – eating mindfully and finding some way to get your body moving. I hope you have a plan and that you’re sticking to it as best you can.

Feel like quitting some days? Yeah, me too.

Gonna make dead level certain that today’s not that day?

Yeah, me too.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Meanwhile, on Sh*tagain's Island...

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful year.
That started from this interweb
Aboard this blogosphere.

The mate was a write-y blogging man,
The skipper too fat, you know.
Five others boarded the ship that day
For a new reality show.
A new reality show.

The premise was a bunch of fatties,
Left on an island by a crusier.
It’s a little bit like a cross between
Survivor and The Biggest Loser.
Survivor and The Biggest Loser.

The ship set ground on the shore of an
Uncharted desert isle.
With Sh*tagain.
Sam the Skipper, too.
The married couple, from Team Giles.
The blogging star,
No More Bacon and Merry-Ann,
Here on Sh*tagain’s Isle.

No beer, no cake, no candy bars,
Not a thing that tastes too great.
Like Oprah every couple of years,
They’re sure to lose some weight.

So join us here right now, my friends.It’s sure to be a trial,
For seven starving castaways,
Here on "Sh*tagain's Isle."

Slimmin' Sam

Jen, a Prior Fat Girl

Team Giles

No More Bacon's Ryan

Mary from A Merry Life

Merry Ann: Sh*tagain! Did you steal my coconut crème pie again?

Sh*tagain: Nawwww - ummmnummmnummm.

Merry Ann: I made that for Sam’s birthday!

Sh*tagain: I think the skipper’s coconut-intolerant.

Merry Ann: How in God’s name have you not been voted off the island yet?

Sh*tagain: I’ve got an alliance with Ryan.

Merry Ann: He got voted off last week.

Sh*tagain: Are you kiddin’ me?

Merry Ann: You voted for him to go, dumbass!

Jenn-Ger: What’s up, kids?

Sh*tagain: Just chillin’ like a villain.

Jenn-Ger: What does that mean?

Sh*tagain: I never know what anything means…

Sam: Sh*tagain! I thought you were going to collect firewood.

Sh*tagain: I was saving my energy for my afternoon workout.

Jenn-Ger: Where are Rodney and Lauren?

Sam: Team Giles? They’re on the beach… um… getting a little… um… frisky.

Sh*tagain: Those two need to get a hut.

Merry Ann: I don’t see how it’s fair that they got to come to the island as a couple.

Jenn-Ger: You’re just mad cuz they didn’t invite Kepa.

Sam: That wouldn’t have been fair because he’s used to living on an island.

Sh*tagain: New Zealand’s a city in Australia, dumbass.

Merry Ann: Look, just drop the subject. We've got another challenge coming up this afternoon.

Sh*tagain: Anybody want to be my "challenge buddy"?


Sam: I doubt it, Sh*tagain... especially after what happened to Ryan.

Sh*tagain: How was I supposed to know that he was gonna use that scuba tank?

Jenn-Ger: Why'd you let all the air of it anyway?

Sh*tagain: I told you! I thought it was a hellium tank and I wanted to talk like a munchkin! What is so hard to understand about that?

Sam: Thank God he got to the surface in time!

Merry Ann: And luckily there was some room in Ryan's brain for a couple of air bubbles...

Sh*tagain: Look, we can play the "blame game" all we want...

Jenn-Ger: Well, that's the only game we have left since you lost the deck of cards...

Sh*tagain: However, I came here to focus on my exercise and my diet.

Merry Ann: Is that why you ate Sam’s birthday pie?

Sam: What?

Sh*tagain: Ix-Nay on the Ie-Pay!


Sh*tagain: Ummmm... I think I'm gonna go for a jog around the lagoon...


Sunday, June 27, 2010

Looking Ahead

Weekly weigh-in: 206.1
Loss: -0.3
Total loss: -86.7
Emotion: Steady as she goes

This guy pulls up into a gas station in the country, and asks the grizzled old gas station attendant, “What’re the people like in the next town up ahead?”

The attendant asks, “What were the people like in the town you just came from?”

“Awful people,” the guy responds. “Rude, cold, hostile, uncaring, unfriendly. They wouldn't give me the time of day.”

“Well,” says the attendant with a slight frown, “I’ve got bad news for you: that’s exactly the kind of people you’re going to find at the next town up ahead.”

A bit later, another driver pulls in, heading in the same direction as the first.

“What’re the folks like in the next town up ahead?” the second man asks.

The attendant poses the same question to him: “What were the people like in the town you just came from?”

“Wonderful people,” the second man responds. “Friendly, warm, helpful, patient, kind. They went out of their way to help a stranger.”

“Well,” smiled the attendant, “I'm happy to tell you that you're going to find exactly the same kind of people in the next town up ahead.”

If you think this weight-loss journey is going to be too difficult, is going to be next to impossible, then I’m sorry to tell you that you’re absolutely right.

If you think you’re strong enough to give it your full effort and attention, that you’ve got what it takes to fill your day with good choices and you’re ready to accomplish something extraordinary, then I’m happy to report that you’re absolutely right.

This is a good day to get going.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

A Frank & Honest Discussion About You-Know-What

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where the motto is "out with the old, in with the old!" I sat on this post for a bit after writing it and wound up sending it out into the world via guest post at another site. I had some silly notion that my readers would be offended by me getting a little jiggy with it. Another case of me not knowing very much...

I don’t consider myself a prude when it comes to talking about… well, you-know-what. Y’know… the four legged frolic, the mattress mambo, the bump and grind, taking the skin schooner to Tuna Town, passing the gravy, taking “Old One-Eye” to the optometrist. You know…

Really, even though I did pass out during our birds-and-bees talk with my daughters, Sallie Mae and Holly, I’m really perfectly at ease talking about… um… boom boom. You know, boffing. Boinking. Boning. Bonking. Boofing.

Why am I here talking about the old in ‘n out, scream ‘n' shout? I mean, I usually spend my time spouting off about weight-loss issues. I’ve written hundreds of posts over at Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit, but not once have I addressed the subject of… um… harnessing the underwear unicorn.

But the two subjects are… um… interconnected quite a bit, and it’s about time somebody gave the discussion the serious look it deserves.

Here’s something that’s hard to believe: in a study from the Journal of Urology, obese men who did little exercise were 2.5 times at greater risk for not being able to maintain a… well… you know. Captain Standish. The roaring horn. The golden rivet. In one’s Sunday best. An Irish toothache. Morning pride. Old Hornington. That’s compared with men who were not overweight and averaged 30 minutes of vigorous exercise a day. Men as young as 20 report… ummmm… equipment malfunctions… attributed to obesity or inactivity.

However, that’s the extreme case. Taking the bullet train through Yonker’s tunnel is simply much more enjoyable when you’re fit and healthy. A report in the Journal of the American College of Surgeons shows that obese men reported significantly better hanky panky after losing gobs of weight.

The research involved 97 men (average age – 48), all of whom were “morbidly obese.” The conclusions are based on the patients’ own reporting of how their dippity doo da was going before and again several months after gastric bypass surgery that allowed them to shed significant poundage. I guess it’s not that surprising that… umm… batter dipping the corn dog was a better all-around experience at the lower weight.

A Duke University study found that even a 10% reduction in weight results in major improvements in all areas of the participants' whoopee making, including arousal, feelings of attractiveness and enjoyment of… y’know… hippity dippitty.

Best of all, half an hour of… umm… taking the love luge on the inbound loin line helps you burn anywhere from 150-350 calories, depending on the level of activity. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather spend my time putting sour cream on the taco than hanging out at the gym.

And it’s not just the pleasure involved with activating the special Wonder Twin powers that’s at stake. Researchers in Denmark studied nearly 50,000 couples and found that if both partners were obese, the chances of the couple having to wait more than a year to get pregnant were nearly three times higher than for a normal-weight couple. If both partners were simply overweight, the likelihood they would have to wait longer than a year was 1.4 times higher.

There are lots and lots of fantastic reasons for you to drop this weight, but a better experience during the mommy-daddy dance has gotta rank up there near the top.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go butter the muffin (no, really… I’ve having a muffin for a snack; what did you think I meant?)

Friday, June 25, 2010

Signs You’ve Got a Bad Personal Trainer

  • Makes you do jumping jacks in the parking lot for an hour
  • Keeps calling you “Bootylicious”

  • Eats three caramel apples during your session

  • Lots of self-done tattoos

  • Not sure what a “bicep curl” is

  • Dresses in an official Star Trek uniform

  • Tells you last job was as Wac-a-Mole operator for traveling carnival

  • Thinks “Gluteus Maximus” is “that dude in the Gladiator movie”

  • Spends first thirty minutes of session trying to convince you that professional wrestling isn’t fake

  • Asks you to hold the funnel while he pours tequila into water bottle

  • Carries clipboard, but only thing on it is a beat-up copy of Hustler magazine

  • Claims to have gotten personal training degree from The University of Harvard

  • All former clients have passed away due to mysterious circumstances

  • Loves to encourage you by speaking “baby talk”

  • Holds sessions in his trailer

  • Sits down on your stomach in the middle of your bench press

  • Schedules six people at the same time

  • Offers to be paid in Crystal Meth

  • He advertises on Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit

Where There's a W.I.D.T.H., There's a Way

If you're new to these parts (and I'm guessing there's a few guests courtesy of a very nice write-up on That's Fit), this is a feature where I post photos submitted by folks who jot down the reason (or a reason) that they're on this journey to lose weight or to become more fit. There aren't really any rules or restrictions, no directions or deadlines. Email whatever you come up with to

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Oh, The Weight You Will Lose

You’re well on your way.
On the road to your Goal Weight!
You’re a loser, I say!

You have your head in the game,
And gusto in your gut.
You have made the decision
To work off your butt.
You know what to do. And you know that you know.
And YOU are the person who’ll make those pounds go.

You'll look up and down menus. What care you’ll be takin’.
You will order the salad, not a cheeseburger with bacon.
With your head in the game and your guts full of gusto,
You’ll take this journey down the path that it must go.

And you may find exercise
Will help manage your stress.
Will amp up your energy
And make you weigh less.

It's easier now
You are movin’ and groovin’.

Others can do this
And frequently do.
They’re getting it done
You CAN do it, too

And soon things’ll start happenin’
If you keep doing well.
You’ll see good results
When you hop on the scale.


You'll be on your way down!
You'll be wearing new clothes!
You'll join all the others
who reach for new lows.

Your behind will not lag, you’ll be feelin’ less flabby
You’ll find yourself thinkin’, “Hey, this ain’t too shabby.”
Whenever you weigh, you'll feel like the boss
Whenever you weigh, you will show a big loss.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say it
But I’m just being real.
Yes, bad snacks
And Set-backs
Are part of the deal.

So you may find there’re days
When your ass will be draggin’.
In that case, of course,
You will fall Off the Wagon.

You may head off to Lunch
With a plan not to stray
Then eat your weight in shrimp
At a Seafood Buffet.

And while off the Wagon
You can gain back a ton.
And re-wagoning one's self
Is not easily done.

You may come to a place where you want to give in.
Where you think you’ll just live with your big double chin.
A place you’ll know that you’ll never know peace!
You don’t want to diet. You don’t want to increase.
How long can you live while you’re living obese?

And IF you give in, should you just try to forget it...
Forget that you tried once and just didn’t did it?
You couldn’t succeed, though you really did strive to?
Now you need something else to revive you.
Do you truly think you’ll find it there at the drive-thru?

You can get so down and out
That your heart will start racing,
And you’ll wonder if it’s a heart attack that you’re facing.
If not, you’ll continue to feed your fat face,
Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Weighting Place...

...for people just weighting.
Waiting for a flash of light.
Waiting until the time is right.
Til’ your job eases up or the kids are grown
Or until you don’t feel so all alone.
Waiting around ‘til it’s just about too late
And piling more and more food on your plate.
And you’re starting to lose it.

Losing your will to start making a stand.
Losing your ability to do what you’ve planned.
Sitting there watching your waistband expand.
Or losing, perhaps, a big part of your future
Just begging for food like some beggy moocher.
Losing yourself, though that sounds kind of strange
Losing a chance that you can make a Change.
Everyone is just losing it.

That's not for you!

Somehow you will do it
The only losing you’ll observe
Is when you step on that scale
For the loss you deserve.

With your spirit still soaring,
Once more weight’ll be dropping.
There’s nothing that’ll stop you.
For you there’s no stopping!

Oh, the weight you will lose! There are goals to be met.
There is work to be done. There’s still sweat you can sweat.
And you will do great in your quest to be small.
Why, you’ll be the losingest-est loser of all.
Success! You’ll be as fit as a fiddle
With a whole lot less mess stuck ‘round your middle.

Except when you fail
And things don't go so well.

I'm afraid that some weigh-ins
Will show a big gain.
And you’ll feel that this whole
Rigamarole is in vain.

Big and fat!
Whether you like it or not,
You’ll feel that you’ll never
Lose diddly-squat.

It’s so frustrating, but there's a very good chance
That you’ll one day be wearing your not-so-fat pants.
There is no reason at all this weight has to haunt you.
All it will take is some will and some want-to.

And so on you will go
Though your stomach will growl.
On you will go
You won't throw in the towel!
On you will go
And it’s time to go now.
Downward you’ll go
Past milestones and goals.
We’re losing our backsides
And saving our souls.

On and on you will go,
And I know you’ll achieve it.
All it takes is a plan
And that you really believe it.

You'll have bad days, of course,
As you already know.
You'll stumble and struggle
You’ll stub your fat toe.
But you’ll get to your feet
And you’ll get back on track.
And if you don’t believe that
Then you don’t know Jack.
Just never forget the advice that I’m giving
Get fit and enjoy this life that you’re living.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(100 and 27 percent guaranteed.)


Be your name Julia Goulia or the fitness wonder twins.
Fitarella, Kristen, Roni or my other good friends.
You're off on a Great Journey!
Today is your day, friend!
Your new life is waiting.
So...have a great weigh-in!


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