Friday, July 31, 2009

Giving & Gaining

At the end of the day, this trek that we’re on is a lonely one. It’s just you and that smiling chubby goofball in the mirror, and the days can get kind of long and tedious if you’re staying on plan (and long and irksome if you find yourself straying).

I’m getting a little depressing, I know. Most of you just wander over here to get your daily yuk-yuk. Okay, here’s a stupid joke break: A flasher walks by two old ladies sitting on a park bench and exposes himself. One of the old ladies has a stroke… the other one can’t quite reach it.

Alrighty then… back to the topic at hand: this can be a lonely road. Even your best efforts may not yield the results you want when you want them. Friends and family may not always understand the why’s and wherefore’s of what you’re attempting to do. They may not always provide the feedback and emotional support you want, you need, you absolutely crave.

I’m going to pass on some more good advice that you already know: be sure and help others along the way.

Pay compliments. You know how much they mean to you, those honest, out-of-the-blue positive sentiments. If you notice that someone you run across has lost weight, pipe up and say something. I promise you that there’re very few people who will take a sincere “You look great…are you losing weight?” comment in the wrong way. Say it… you’ll make two people feel better.

Leave comments on blogs. You know they make your day. Make everybody else’s day, too. For a while there, I was posting twice a day (at least). After recognizing that those little leave-behinds folks were cramming beneath my posts were doing such a terrific job of lifting my spirits, I decided that that second post time would be better spent bouncing around and leaving comments for as many others as I could. Leave comments… you can start right here, right now if you’d like.

Give good advice. You’ve learned plenty on this twisty journey. Pass on what’s worked, tell others what hasn’t. Share tips on effective exercises or recipes for kick-ass chili. Let the world know what experience has taught you. Don’t take it for granted that everyone already knows what you know. For one thing, they don’t. For another, it never hurts to get a refresher. No one is obliged to take your advice, but having it out there gives others new ideas and new tools for their own weight loss efforts.

Kick a little ass. Tough love is almost a taboo subject in our little weight loss blogging world. I wish it wasn’t, because I see so many people that are crying out for it. They’re making a half-hearted efforts and whining about how little scale-love they got this week, p*ssing around when they should be pushing forward. If you’ve got the heart and the intestinal fortitude, administer a little tough love when the situation warrants.

All this giving and giving and giving can be draining and time-consuming, but it’s what makes this weight loss blogging adventure so effective, so invigorating, so essential. Anybody that's been on this path for any length of time knows that not every victory is on the scale.

Give, and keep giving because what you’ll get back in return is simply extraordinary.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Ways Losing Weight is Like Disney World

Summer’s winding down, and folks are getting in those last vacations before the back-to-school grind kicks in. Truthfully, I’ve never, ever been to Disney World (I convinced my children it was a myth), but I’ve heard so many people talk about going that I think I’ve got a pretty good idea of what it’s all about. From what I gather, going there is a lot like a successful weight loss journey…
  • You find yourself among an odd assortment of characters
  • It will absolutely wear you out
  • You know you’re gonna wind up on a rollercoaster
  • There’s a big crowd of people all in the same place as you
  • You’ll often find yourself stuck in one place and not moving at all
  • You should take a lot of photos to remind you of your trip
  • It’s a great thing to do for your kids
  • A solid plan will make the journey more successful
  • It’s something the whole family can do
  • It’ll make you feel young again
  • Some folks have to come back over and over
  • Insert your own “It’s a Small World” joke here
  • There’s something magical about it
  • When you tell people what you’re doing, everybody’s got advice for you
  • Eating what you want will cost you plenty
  • You’re excited to get started, but you’re even happier when it’s over

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Born to be Wide

Is this the body you were destined to live with, the life you were meant to live?

There are an unfortunate few whom have truly gotten dealt an unplayable hand. To those folks, all I can say is that I hope your Creator graced you with a good sense of humor and a supportive group of family and friends.

To the rest of us, I say “What’re you waiting for?” An invitation? Okay, here it is: you are cordially invited to reclaim your health and your life. And you have everything within you needed to make this journey a successful one.

It will take smarts.

Your brains are your most valuable tool in this weight loss battle. Use them to make better choices. Use them to organize your days and make keeping yourself motivated and moving a top priority. You’re a smart cookie… use that awesome brain to bend your badly behaving body to its will.

It will take effort.

Climbing back on the wagon every couple of weeks isn’t nearly enough exercise for you to make appreciable strides down this path. Find something… walking, biking, exercise DVD routine, gym, swimming…find something that you can do regularly and start doing it. When it quits being hard, push yourself a little more. This is the challenging part of the program, but it’s not harder than you can manage.

It will take time.

To me, this is both the easiest and most difficult part of the equation. I want instant gratification, and I want it now. I want to look into the mirror tomorrow and see the body that I see in my mind’s eye. I want this fat gone yesterday, even though I realize that I put it on with years of doing all the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. But here’s the thing: days, weeks, months… they all fly by.

Sometimes I get the feeling that quite a few people look at successful weight losers much the same way as they view lottery winners. They see them as lucky, random individuals who just happen to be the right place at the right time. Good genes, workhorse metabolism, something that’s outside of the control of plain folks like you or me.

I don’t believe this to be the case.

I believe we make our own destinies. I believe we make our own future. I believe we make our own incredibly lame clichés about losing weight. But it doesn’t matter what you or I believe. It matters only that we have the drive and desire to make our tomorrows our own.

It is in us to this, folks. It’s in you. It’s in me.

We’ve got the brains, the want-to and the time to take this journey all the way home.

Who’s with me?

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Phrases I've Never Uttered

  • “That looks delicious, but no thank you.”
  • “Beer? No, I’m cutting back.”
  • “No, I wouldn’t care for a taste. I just enjoy watching you eat that sundae.”
  • “Can you bring me a half-portion?”
  • “Let’s say we not order a pizza.”
  • “More bread? I couldn’t.”
  • “We’d better not; you know I can’t control myself at Mexican restaurants.”
  • “Buffet? Boo!”
  • “That’s too high in sodium for me.”
  • “That salad could be a meal in itself. As a matter of fact…”
  • “No, thanks. I don’t eat at the movies.”
  • “More cottage cheese, please.”
  • “Nah, that’s not on my diet.”
  • “Donut? Uh uh…no way.”
  • “Y’know, boiled okra is just as good as fried okra.”
  • “I can’t finish this.”
  • “Do you have anything besides chips and dip?”
  • “That’s a little too rich for me.”
  • “Sure, I’d love another rice cake.”
  • “No chocolate for me, thanks.”
  • “Do you have sugar-free maple syrup?”
  • “Mmmmmmm… now that’s good celery!”

Monday, July 27, 2009

If You Can't Say Something Nice...

Y’know, there’s such a wide range of insults for overweight individuals. Let’s see.. there’s Fatso, Fatty, Fatass. Jellybelly, Beer Belly, Buddha Belly. Lardass, Chubby and Flabula. I could go on and on…

In fact, I think I will: the Blob, the Human Eclipse, Chunkmeister, Thunder Thighs, Buffalo Butt, Rolly-polly, Two-ton, Butterball, Big Mac, Blubberbutt, BiscuitButt, Chair-Crusher, Husky, Jelly Roll, Jiggles, Lard Lad, Lord of the Fries, Lumpy, McFatterson, Manitee, Muffin Top, Pork Butt, Pudgy, Rumpapotimus, Sasquatch, Slop Gobbler and Snuffleupagus.

Hmmmm… there’s Count Fatula, Crisco Kid, Sumo, Sweat Factory, Triple Chin, Sir Cumference, Dough Boy, Double Wide, Titanic, Tub-O-Lard, Wide Load and the classic Fatty-Fatty, Two-by-Four, Can’t Get Through the Bathroom Door.

But what if you’re skinny? I could only think of two insulting names to call underweight folks: Skinny Minnie and Minnie Skinny.

Now I’m not advocating name-calling, but c’mon, fair’s fair. So in the interest of impartiality, I’m working on the development of a list of insults for underweight individuals.
  • Gaunt Galoot
  • Bony Pony
  • Scrawny Screwball
  • Cadaverous Cretin
  • Malnourished Malcontent
  • Skelatal Skank
  • Undernourished Underling
  • Rawboned Rickety-Ass
  • Lascivious Lightweight
  • Thin Tin Tin
  • Lanky Lunatic
  • Bulimic Blockhead
  • Emaciated Imbecile
  • Twisted Twig
  • Featherweight Freak
  • Haggard Hag
  • Peaked Pencilneck
  • Slinky Stinkie
  • Dainty D-Bag
  • Beanstalk Blockhead
  • Twiggy Twit
  • Anarexic Asswipe
  • Gangly Gargoyle
  • Skinny Skunkbottom
  • Skinny Ninny
  • Lanky & Stanky
  • Puny Punk
  • Bulemic Bonehead
  • Stringy Stringbean
  • Slinky Stinky
  • Shriveled Shrew
  • Skin-and-Bonehead
  • Slimpleton
Please feel free to chime in with your own insults (as if you weren’t going to anyway…).

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Thinking Small

Weekly weigh-in: 237
Loss: .7 lbs
Total loss: 54.5 lbs.
Emotion: Tiny bit dissatisfied

Small loss this week, and–truth to tell–I was happy to get it. Again, I was flirting with a sodium-caused water-weight gain of a couple of pounds as late as yesterday, and it made me stop and take a hard look at what I’ve been doing.

I’m pretty satisfied with my progress, but I realize that it’s going to be tough sledding from here on out. I’m not a calorie counter or a carb denyer, per se, but I think I’ve had a pretty good handle on what I’ve been eating.


When I stopped to think about it, I’ve lapsed into some small bad habits that might be slowing my progress. A bite or two of cheese here, little heavy on the soy sauce there. Nibbling out of the serving bowl, more bread than I normally eat, cleaning every speck of food off my plate and not paying attention to the portions… it doesn’t necessarily take a full-blown binge to nudge you off course.

Exercise will forgive a lot of sins. I know a guy that works out every day, and he told me that he does it because he loves cookies. Loves ‘em. Can’t live without ‘em. He spends an hour a day in the gym so he can enjoy the cookies without the guilt or the consequences.

If I’ve lost a tiny bit of focus on the food front, I feel like I’ve compensated to some degree by pushing myself a little harder in the gym. I’ve increased the time and intensity of my workouts, so I probably minimized the damage of my not-too-bad/not-too-stellar food choices.

This week, I’m going to work on getting all my ducks back in a row. All of this thinking about small things has got me dreaming big, and I’d love to see what a focused week of intense exercise and mindful eating could accomplish.

I suspect the results would be some fireworks on the scale.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

What the Refrigerator Said to Me…

  • “Why don’t you come up and see me some time?”
  • “Meet me back here at midnight.”
  • “I got cheese today. Cheeeeeeese.”
  • “Are you religious? Cause I’m the answers to all your prayers.”
  • “There might be one more popscicle back in the back.”
  • “What’s the rush? Stand here and browse a little.”
  • “Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your willpower.”
  • “Meal or no meal?”
  • “Yes, that’s a banana in my drawer, and I am happy to see you.”
  • “You’re always welcome back at the Snack Shack!”
  • “Have you ever tried squirting mayonnaise in your mouth? Heaven!”
  • “I have no idea who put all that beer in there.”
  • “Y’know what’s better than cold pizza in the morning? Nothing!”
  • “That yogurt’s nasty, baby. Get you something good!”
  • “Sorry, all the salad stuff’s gone over to the Dark Side.”
  • “You want the celery? You can’t handle the celery!”
  • “I’ll trade you that apple for what’s inside this Tupperware container…”
  • “You’ll be back!”

Friday, July 24, 2009

Not-So-Great Weight Loss Mottos

I’m on a seemingly never-ending quest to find the perfect weight loss rallying cry. Not there yet…
  • “You only live once–try everything!”
  • “Yes, I would like fries with that!”
  • “Failure is not an option…just an annoyingly realistic possibility.”
  • “Remember, if you want to run with the big dogs, you need to learn how to pee in the tall grass.”
  • “Oh, what the hell…”
  • “WWRE? (What would Rush eat?)”
  • “Stop and smell the brownies”
  • “I have not yet begun to diet!"
  • “If at first you don’t succeed, have a donut.”
  • “One for all, and all for me!”
  • “I eat, therefore I am.”
  • “Are you gonna finish that?”
  • "Damn the torpedoes, full plate ahead!"
  • “Stop being a fatty, you fat fatty.”
  • “If you eat that, you’ll die!”
  • “One day at a time, my ass!”
  • “Not gonna stop unless I see an iHop!”
  • “I’m in no shape for exercise.”
  • “There’s an angel on my shoulder, and he really likes Cheese Nips.”
  • “Touch your toes, touch your toes, wish I’d skipped those Oreo’s.”
  • “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!”
  • “Here’s to a balanced diet–a cookie in each hand!”
  • “I’ll be back… after my snack!”
  • “I’ll start again on Monday!”

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Memos Are Read, Violets Are Blue

I ran across these little ditties the other day, from a collection of business poems I penned called Memos Are Read, Violets Are Blue, and I thought I’d share them with you because… well, just because. A while back, I started doing these silly little office-themed rhymes, thinking that I might be able to figure out something to do with them. I even got a cartoon buddy to illustrate some of them.

This was before I discovered the magic of blogging, so what happened was that I wrote dozens of them, they sat there and then I eventually moved on to something else. I don’t know what I was thinking when I did ‘em or where exactly I thought the market was for business poetry, but they made me chuckle something fierce when I found them again. Here’s a sampling…

Two Drops of Coffee

Something sinister is brewing here,
Something evil, if I may say so.
There’s someone here who has a heart
As black as an espresso.

Someone strolls into the break room
Pours a cup with a merry whistle.
Leaves an ounce and leaves once more.
It’s grounds for a dismissal.

As I tightly grip the carafe with rage,
I wouldn’t be surprised if I shot ‘em.
This person who leaves scarcely enough
Java to cover the bottom.

Is it so hard to make more coffee?
Are you so dark and jaded
That it’s impossible for you to brew some more?
Is your soul de-caffeinated?

You people who drink all the coffee
And leave saying “Latte da.”
Remember, it’s you who’ve started it,
Who caused this brew-haha.

There… I made enough for me,
For you I’m leaving squat.
Just so you know it’s all your fault
That society’s gone to pot.

Ode to Spam

Oh Spam, Oh Spam, Oh glorious Spam
I’ve made this ode about you.
You fill my mailbox everyday.
What would I do without you?

I’ve come to count on countless mail,
Endless messages to sort through.
You’re there for me day after day after day,
With offers almost too good to be true.

You’ve got fast, easy ways for me to lose weight.
You can give me fuller and sexier lips.
You can handle all my prescription drug needs.
Not to mention the stock market tips.

I can save on gas and see webcams
From girls who couldn’t be cuter.
I can stop the ringing in my ears,
Even play slots right on my computer.

You give me credit counseling advice
So that I can always plan good (think, think).
You even offer me a sure-fire way
To greatly increase my manhood. (wink, wink).

I can register my domain…
…a university degree attain.
…get a miracle product to remove a stain
…win a trip to Madrid, Spain.
…see girls “petting” a Great Dane
…stop pop-ups that drive me insane
…get a funny t-shirt about Saddam Hussein
…free myself from arthritis pain
…get pills to stimulate my brain
…pre-paid legal counsel retain
…get names for a new sales campaign.
…donate to save the whooping crane.
…get coupons from a discount chain
…see Jack doing Jill and Jane
…play slots online again.
…a free credit report obtain
…pour my money down the drain.

To the people who send me these wondrous offers,
I just wish that one day I could meet you.
And instead of spending half my day throwing away mail,
I could go to the source and delete you.

The Interview

Hey, man… I’m sorry that I’m a half hour late,
But I got caught up in “Jerry Springer.”
Hey, is that a picture of your old lady?
She really looks like a swinger.
Your daughter’s a real hottie, too.
I’d like to get to know her.
You don’t look like you’re following me, dude.
I’ll talk a little slower.

I’d really like a job here,
So I thought I’d come apply.
But I can’t start until after Friday,
I’m in court on a DUI.
And one more thing, I gotta tell ya,
The company that I choose
Will have to be cool about the way I dress
And the fact that I don’t wear shoes.

And I’m not really a morning person,
But I suppose I could be in by ten.
I’ll give you my all, but just realize,
I might call in sick now and then.

But, man… I think this could be fun.
We’d have a lot of laughs.
I only have two solid rules…
No drug tests or polygraphs.

No, man… I don’t have no resumé,
But if you need references, bro.
Talk to my Dad up on the top floor.
He’s the CEO.


Don’t make any sudden movements.
Follow me just as quickly as you’re able.
A vendor just dropped by and left
A box on the break room table.

Don’t alert the rank and file.
Don’t shriek or raise a cheer.
Let’s go before the others realize,
We’ve got some pastries here.

Lift the top very gingerly.
Let’s see exactly what we’ve got.
Oh my…. two dozen doughnuts,
Fresh and piping hot.

Look at those beautiful things,
See the glaze sparkle and glitter.
Look at all those chocolate ones,
And is that an apple fritter?

Oh no, the aroma just got out.
It’s wafting through the office.
Oh my… look out… here they all come.
No… please…please…please…GET OFF US!

Casual Day

No bathrobe, no flip-flops, no tank tops at all.
No t-shirt you got from that Irish pub crawl.
No shoes without socks, no socks without shoes.
No scrubs that they wear on the hospital crews.
And those ripped up blue jeans? No way, José.
What’s the deal with calling this Casual Day?

5 O’clock Dash

Four fifty five, she begins her routine,
She starts to shut drawers and to slam things.
At four fifty-six she starts stretching out,
Loosening her ankles, her calves and her hamstrings.

At four fifty-seven, she shuts down her computer,
Drops the out-going mail in its pouch.
At four-fifty-eight, she locks her file cabinet,
Ties her shoes then drops down in her crouch.

At four fifty-nine she glances at the clock one more time,
Determination in her eyes as she checks it.
It’s 5 o’clock now… please, whatever you do…
Don’t get between her and the exit.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

My Sh*t List

TJ tagged me with this thing.

I was chastised mightily the last time I broke the rules on one of these doomahicheys, so I'm all over it this time.

Here’s how it works: Answer the questions. USE ONLY ONE WORD!

1. Where is your cell phone? Dunno
2. Your hair? Gel-free
3. Your mother? Xena
4. Your father? Bambi
5. Your favorite food? Spicy
6. Your dream last night? Bubblewrap
7. Your favorite drink? H20
8. Your dream/goal? Immortality
9. What room are you in? Bat-Cave
10. Your hobby? Tornado-chasing
11. Your fear? Raffi
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Retirement
13. Where were you last night? Blogland
14. Something that you aren’t? Informed
15. Muffins? Hello
16. Wish list item? Comb
17. Where did you grow up? Streets
18. Last thing you did? Yodel
19. What are you wearing? Jumpsuit
20. Your TV? Color
21. Your pets? Stinkholes
22. Friends? Stinkholes
23. Your life? Wonderful
24. Your mood? Moody
25. Missing someone? Elvis
26. Vehicle? Go-kart
27. Something you’re not wearing? Seersucker
28. Your favorite store? Taffy
29. Your favorite color? Mustard
30. When was the last time you laughed? Continuously
31. Last time you cried? Eclipse
32. Your best friend? Lassie
33. One place that I go to over and over? Darkside
34. One person who emails me regularly? Barack
35. Favorite place to eat? Desk

I'm supposed to tag some more folks, but I feel like I've followed just about enough rules for one day. ;)

And TJ: revenge, like gazpacho, is a dish best served cold. BTW, do you have a good recipe for gazpacho?

A Few Extra Yuks at Yum Yucky

Guest posting today at Yum Yucky.


On those rare occasions when I bring the high heat (and I blame you all for commenting so much on the serious posts that it makes me have to write more of them than would occur naturally), I can be hard on you, hard on myself, hard on us all as we all make our way on this arduous weight loss journey. I push and push, because I want you and I to be as focused as we can possibly be. I want us to be as successful as we can possibly be. I want us all over our goals, and I want us rockin’ that scale each and every week.

But there’s something I don’t say often enough: we’re awesome.

I mean it, we’re so all over this.

We have setbacks and bad days, but we don’t let them bump us from our course. We have times when we don’t have our “A” game, but we have a deeper understanding of the big picture than we’ve ever had before. We may not be absolutely fit right now, but we have a dream of being fit, the hope of being the person that deep down we know we can be. An aspiration to be a better person…. and we’re making our way toward that goal. Some slowly, some faster, but all moving toward that better future with a sense of power and purpose.…

We’re losing our chins and our excuses.

Losing our extra pounds and our bad habits.

Losing our inhibitions and our love handles.

Losing it all, and gaining so much more in the process.

A half pound here. Two pounds there. Three, four, five lbs. I watch people having success in so many places, so many folks all over the planet making solid strides in their weight loss adventure. I'm almost as proud for them as I am myself with my own losses (almost, I said...almost).

Oh sure, there’s a few that are still in the “pre-success” stage, trying to psyche themselves up to make that great leap of faith, or those stuck in that dreaded limbo of “The Plateau,” a miserable place that will try your patience and test your will. But for all those folks, I see more that are fighting the good fight and reporting favorable news, both on the scale and in all the other victories that making ourselves healthier brings… clothes fitting better, people noticing their change in appearance, a general uplifting of the spirit. A scale will just give you a number, but all those other things… that’re what this journey we’re on is truly all about.

So here’s to us, the weight-loss warriors. We’re armoring ourselves with workout clothes and Green Monsters, with spinning classes and low-fat recipes. We’re facing down the day with a smile on our face and running shoes on our feet. And we’re doing it, folks. We’re really doing it.

Here’s to you.

Here’s to me.

Here’s to all of us as we make our successful way down this long and winding path. Wherever you are on it, either at the very start, a few steps from the end or plodding away in the mushy middle, I wish you Godspeed and good health.

Keep on keeping on, and know that there are plenty of us that will be with you every step of the way.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Signs You’re Addicted to Weight Loss Blogging

  • Spouse knows easiest way to get hold of you is to leave a comment.
  • No one can eat until you’ve got the whole meal on the table and you’ve taken pictures of all the dishes.
  • You pay your internet bill before your rent or mortgage.
  • You forgot your child’s birthday, but you remembered to update your weight loss ticker.
  • Your vacation plans center around hotels that have high-speed wi-fi.
  • You can do a “word verification” in point three seconds.
  • You know what at least six people you don't know had for breakfast.
  • You’d rather lose a filling than lose a follower.
  • Anytime you see a photograph, you ask “Is this the before or after pic?”
  • You ask your doctor if he can give you something for “blogger’s block”?
  • You take a spectacular dump and think “I’ve got the subject for my next post…”
  • You get slightly aroused fiddling around with your blog layout.
  • You’ve started LOLing instead of laughing.
  • On Saturdays, you feel a little dead inside.
  • You hit “refresh” to see if anyone has left you a comment while you were reading the last comment someone left you.
  • You've already blogged about this post.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Reversing It

I will always be fat
And I refuse to believe that
I can lose this weight
I do
I realize that isn’t the way most people think but
“Eating to live instead of living to eat”
That’s just not working out, and I truly believe
Eating what I want will make me happier in the end
It’s just a big fat lie, thinking
Being fit is the most important thing in my life
Now I understand that
Making myself happy with food
Is more important than
Making myself healthy with food
And this much is true:
People are succeeding at losing weight every day
But I know in my heart this will not be the case for me
This could wind up killing me
Doctors tell me
I will shorten my life and steal time away from my family
Right now it doesn’t seem possible that
I can change my ways and be fit for the rest of my life
This is what I believe:
This journey is just too tough for me
I don’t want to even consider the fact that
I can control the causes of my shortcomings and my failings
It’s just a fact of life that
People like me are weak-willed and lazy
And it’s ridiculous to believe that
I will lose weight and be healthy

That’s how I used to think; then I chose to reverse it (read from the bottom up).

More, More, More Fitness Center Conversation Starters

  • “Would you like a puff of this?”
  • “My new workout outfit is a little tight. I got it at Gymboree.”
  • “Do you know if this treadmill goes slower than 0.1?”
  • “Will you give me an honest assessment of my glutes?”
  • “But these are my workout flip-flops.”
  • “Circuit training? No, I’m doing circus training.”
  • “Check out how ripped I am. Yeah, I mean my pants.”
  • “Dude, you’d better get those poppy veins looked at.”
  • “I like to listen to nature sounds on my iPod when I’m on the treadmill; I can almost imagine I’m actually walking outside.”
  • “Could I borrow a dab of your human growth hormone?”
  • “I’m going no carbs as soon as I finish this loaf of French bread.”
  • “I think there’s too much ‘ham’ in my hamstring.”
  • “I always thought ‘BMI’ stood for ‘Bowel Movement Index.’”
  • “This Powerade tastes like p*ss; oh, waitaminute…”
  • “My personal trainer is hiding from me. Again.”
  • “You know what would be a cool name for an exercise: ‘The Abdominal Snowman.’”
  • “Yes, I am Jack Sh*t. Oh, I’m sorry; I thought you asked me if I was Jack Sh*t.”

Sunday, July 19, 2009

No Such Thing As PMS (Predicting My Scale)

Weekly weigh-in: 237.7
Loss: 2.9 lbs
Total loss: 53.8 lbs.
Emotion: Bloodied but not Beaten

A funny thing happened on the way to the scale this week…

I had upped my workouts this week, doubling them up on four days (and not taking a single day off this week). Then my family went out on Thursday night to a Japanese restaurant and I had a delicious meal made up of what seemed to me to be sensible choices.

When I peeked at the scale Friday night, I saw a crazy, whopping gain and reaffirmed it Saturday afternoon (sodium just wreaks havoc with my weight loss numbers), though I was drinking water like a guy in the desert that just found one of those… what do you call them?... oh yeah, one of those 7-11’s that’s running a special on Big Gulps. I was so convinced I was going to have a gain that I went ahead and wrote a rationale for it for my Sunday morning weigh-in post:

Well, nothing doing on the scale this week, but I’m blaming it on the monthly visit by TOM, that bloody bastard. Oh yeah, he’ll show up once every few weeks with a case of Guiness and want to watch Manchester United soccer on my big-screen. And I hate soccer. I mean, it is suspenseful because you never know if the game is gonna end up being 0-0 or 1-0. I just watch for the riots. And the Guiness.

So…thanks for nothing, scale. And thanks for the Guiness, TOM. You’re a real pal (and say hi to your Aunt Flo for me).

So I had resigned myself to a gain and hopped on the scale this morning without worrying about it. Apparently, all that water weight was flushed out, and the number was back where I expected given how solid the rest of my week was.

I guess it was just my time.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

The Amazing Dieter-Man

Dieter-Man, Dieter-Man
Eats whatever’s on his dieter plan.
Prepares a meal, real low-cal.
He is really losing it, pal.
Cook Out!
Here comes the Dieter-Man.

Is he committed?
It’s no jive.
He's got radioactive drive.
Can he jog on the road?
He’s in super-exercise mode.
Hey, there
There goes the Dieter-Man.

During the course of the day,
He shows grit and determination.
He avoids the buffet.
He can fight off any temptation.

Dieter-Man, Dieter-Man
Hungry neighborhood Dieter-Man.
Cake and pie,
He's ignored.
Losses are his great reward.

He leaves food on his plate, boss.
Whenever there’s a weight loss,
You'll find the Dieter-Man.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Regrettable Comments I’ve Left on Weight Loss Blogs

Have you ever left a comment on somebody’s weight loss blog, and then immediately thought “Oh, maybe that wasn’t the right thing to say?” And then you were going to erase it and write something more sensible, but then your daughter Pisa calls you at the office and tells you to bring home popsicle sticks for a project she’s working on so you gotta spend the rest of the day eating popsicles even when you’re not really that hungry and the Popsicle Dude only had lime popsicles after you chased him all the way down the street yelling “Whoa! Stop! Popsicle Dude!” Yeah, me too.
  • “You’ve come a long way, Fatty.”
  • “Maybe your mom hates you.”
  • “Your kid sure is funny-looking.”
  • “If anything, it looks like you’ve gained weight.”
  • “Maybe they fired you because you were incompetent.”
  • “That haircut is hideous.”
  • “Wow, your daughter’s smokin’. What’s her email address?”
  • “That dish looks like somebody threw up on a plate.”
  • “Jesus… just give up already.”
  • “Maybe he hasn’t called because he’s been in a car accident.”
  • “Just do everything your husband says and your marriage will be fine.”
  • “Have you ever heard of “spelcheck,” stupid?
  • “I lose more than that when I break wind.”
  • “Will you please quit talking about “losing a stone”? I don’t even know what that means…”
  • “Who designed your blog… a sea-sick chimpanzee?”
  • “You deserve a reward. How about a pan of warm brownies and a glass of whole milk?”
  • “Gain because of TOM? Riiiiiiiiiiiight.”
  • “LOL at your cancer story.”
Now be sure and leave me a comment today... but think about it before you do.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Weight Watcher Meeting Conversation Stoppers

  • “Hi, I’m ________, and I’m an alcoholic.”
  • “Can we hurry this along? I left my 3-month old in the car.”
  • “I’m Garth Brooks. No, not like the country singer. THE country singer.”
  • “Hey, I’m a photographer for Plumphouse Magazine.”
  • “When does the karaoke part start?”
  • “I brought fresh cinnamon buns if anybody wants one.”
  • “Nobody move; I think my snake Bitey slipped out of my pocket.”
  • “I hope there’s not a quiz; I didn’t study a lick.”
  • “Two men enter, one man leaves. This is Thunderdome!”
  • “My thighs are chaffing like nobody’s business. Is everybody cool with me taking off my slacks?”
  • “Who smells like fish sticks?”
  • “I’d appreciate it if everybody would call me Captain Marvelous.”
  • “Who else here is a Wiccan?”
  • “Hey, this b*tch beside me has a purse full of canned frosting and Twix bars.”
  • “Who do I talk to about buying a few extra points?”
  • “Well, where’s the ‘No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service’ sign then?”
  • “Has anybody noticed there’re a lot of fatties in here?”
  • “I just don't understand; I always weigh in in the nude at home.”
  • “I heard that if you lose 25 lbs., you get a free tattoo.”
  • “Anybody mind if I light up a stogie?”

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


It’s a myth, you know, that overweight people suffer from low self-esteem more than the rest of the population. In fact, psychological tests given to overweight folks have proven that obese individuals are, on balance, just as mentally healthy (or unhealthy) as anyone else. There’s no support for the idea that overeating is generally associated with poor mental or emotional health. Quite the opposite, actually; many slim people who were interviewed said they wouldn’t have the courage to go out if they were obese. They’d simply stay at home and hide their fat faces.

Think about it: you get up every morning, get out of bed and face the world head-on. You accept strangers’ stares, children’s cruel comments and friends’ “helpful” advice, all with a wane smile and gentle good grace. You’ve recognized the inner demons that have put you in the state you’re in, and you’re going about doing something about it. You’re getting your life in check, as well as providing emotional support for others who are also getting their lives in check.

Here’s my point: you’re not weak.

Here’s my second point (and this may sting a little): you’ve got to get stronger.

You’ve got to get stronger because this is a long, uphill climb, and it will take its toll on you, both mentally and physically. You’ve got to get stronger because time is not on your side, and Life will jump up and throw hurdle after hurdle after hurdle in your path. You’ve got to get stronger because me and everyone else that follows your story aren’t going to be satisfied until you reach your goals.

We’ve all got our own ways of fighting this fight, our own methods to this madness. You may cut carbs, she may count calories, he may swim 50 laps a day, I may simply try to eat smarter and exercise more. There’s no one way–no right way–to get there from here.

But ask yourself this: Am I really doing all I can to succeed?

If you can honestly say “yes,” then God bless you, but I suspect that you’re in the minority if that’s truly the case. I know this is going to sound… well, funny… coming from a guy named Jack Sh*t who spends half his day telling fart jokes and making kooky lists, but you’ve got to get serious about this if you want to find the success you claim you want. You need to shift it into high gear, and start getting it done, and I mean like, today. You can half-ass it for as long as you want, but the real results aren’t going to happen for you until you knuckle down. Until you get serious.

There is a lion in my heart, and he’s roaring at the fat that I’ve saddled myself with by being stupid and lazy. Roaring at the complacency that allowed me to put my own health and future in jeopardy. He’s roaring at me every day, filling my spirit with grit and reminding me that this is my day, this is my time. He’s pushing me to run wild and pounce on this chance, this opportunity to reclaim my life.

This journey is not for the weak or the meek; it is for the strong-willed and the lion-hearted.

It’s time for you to roar.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

More Rejected Weight Loss Blog Names

  • From Flabulous to Fabulous
  • Off With Her Bread!
  • I Pity the Food
  • Ho Down
  • Fulfilling My Density
  • You Can’t Spell “Sass” without “Ass”
  • Fattaboy!
  • The Adventures of Bingey
  • One Bitter, Soul-Crushing Day at a Time
  • Plumpelstiltskin
  • 2 Unfit 2 Quit
  • Love Handles All
  • Me, My Scale & I
  • What’s Eating At Me? This Godd*mned Diet, That’s What!
  • Caboose on the Loose
  • Mission Slimpossible
  • Keep Your Chin Up (Oh, It Is? I Couldn’t Tell)
  • I Can Do It, I Can Do, I Can Really Really Maybe Do It!
  • The Lb.-eration Will Be Bloggerized!
  • Waist Not, Want Lot
  • Just (Over) Do It!
  • Semper Fat
  • Pondering Ponderousness
  • Today’s A New Day (Or Maybe Monday)
If I’ve inadvertently stolen your blog’s name, there’s something wrong with you. Well, both of us, actually.

Monday, July 13, 2009

All You Need is Blog

There’s nothing you can write that hasn’t been written.
There’s nothing you can eat that hasn’t been eaten.
Nothing new to say but you can learn how to post and play.
It's easy.
There's nothing you can invent that hasn’t been invented.
No comment you can make that hasn’t been commented.
Nothing you can choose but you can learn how to lose
in time - It's easy.

All you need is blog, all you need is blog,
All you need is blog, blog.
Blog is all you need.

There’s no point to point out that hasn’t been made.
No play on words you can make that hasn’t been played.
There’s nothing that can stop you
from being who you're meant to be.
It's easy.
All you need is blog, all you need is blog,
All you need is blog, blog. Blog is all you need.
All you need is blog (we’re all together now).
All you need is blog (everybody).
All you need is blog, blog. Blog is all you need.

Jack-iiiii-eeeeee Sh*************t

What would you do if I gained half a pound,
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Leave me a comment and I’ll try not to gain.
Your support is gonna be the key.
Oh, I can’t diet without help from my friends.
Mmmm, wouldn’t try it without help from my friends.
Mmmm I rely on a little help from my friends.

What do I do when the donuts arrive?
(Does it worry you they’re fresh and free?)
A box of two dozen; I don’t think I’ll survive.
(Are you sad because I just ate three?)
No, I just diet with a little help from my friends.
Mmm, just deny it with a little help from my friends.
Mmm, gonna defy it with a little help from my friends.

Do you need me to follow?
I’ll follow anybody that blogs.
Do you mean anybody?
Yes, I want everybody to blog.

Would you believe that I’ve lost fifty pounds?
I'm certain that doesn’t happen all the time.
What do you see when you step on the scale?
It may be a small loss, but I know it's mine.
Oh, I can diet with a little help from my friends,
Mmm I never fry it cuz of help from my friends,
Oh, I'm gonna try it with a little help from my friends.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

"Weakly" Weigh-In? I Think Not.

Weekly weigh-in: 240.6
Loss: 4.6 lbs
Total loss: 50.9 lbs.
Emotion: Resolute

Lee Iacocca said it best: “You've got to say, I think that if I keep working at this and want it badly enough I can have it. It's called perseverance.”

Now excuse me... I've got some clothes to go donate, and some serious work to do to drop the next 10 lbs as quickly as possible. As several alert people who read my "Milestone" section have already pointed out, long-range planning just ain't my strong suit.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Ways Losing Weight Is Like Baseball

I hate baseball, but I was watching TV last night and there was a game on. The remote control had apparently fallen down under the chair, and I was already over on my activity points. Thus, this post. Luckily, it's Saturday and nobody's reading...
  • It can be very, very boring.
  • In the blink of an eye, something exciting can happen.
  • Every once in awhile, you get thrown a curve.
  • You have to concentrate when you step up to the plate.
  • It’s hard to do as well when you’re on the road.
  • There’s a lot of people rooting for you.
  • Some people are rooting against you.
  • Sometimes you need to go with the change-up.
  • The game isn’t over after one strikeout.
  • Every day is a new opportunity.
  • Helps when you’ve got a lot of supportive teammates.
  • Sometimes you have to sacrifice for the greater good.
  • Occasionally, you’re gonna run into a screwball.
  • In order to be successful, you’ve got to keep your eye on the ball.
Remember, it’s not always whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.

Friday, July 10, 2009

My Name is Sh*t. Jack Sh*t.

Ever since I lost 00.7 lbs. at my last weigh-in, I’ve been haunted by visions of an overweight secret agent running around town and getting into high-fat trouble. Here’s my list of James Bond movies if 007 was 307...
  • Dr. No Willpower
  • From Russia With Lard
  • Thunderbaloney
  • You Only Eat Twice
  • On Her Majesty's Secret Snackrun
  • Donuts Are Forever
  • Live and Let Diet
  • The Man with the Golden Twinkee
  • The Spy Who Loved Meat
  • Moonpieraker
  • For Your Mouth Only
  • Chocopussy
  • A View to a Meal
  • License to Grill
  • Diet Another Day
  • Casino Fudge Royale
  • Quantum of Salsa

Thursday, July 9, 2009

And Speaking of Twitter...

I put off doing this because I really have nothing to say, but then I realized that I have an awful lot of nothing to say. Plus, TJ was hounding me…

Anyway, for all the sh*t that’s fit to twit, come on over: Jack Sh*t on Twitter

More Things I Might Have Twatted If I Twittered

  • “Still on the lookout for Sugar-Free Pixie Stix.”
  • “I think I’m having hunger labor pains.”
  • “Carrot cake counts as a vegetable, right?”
  • “NSV today: got on elevator and person didn’t automatically check the sign for the weight limit.”
  • “Reminder: not every fat lady is pregnant.”
  • “I could sure go for some empty calories right about now.”
  • “Couldn’t work out this morning--too many old people in there.”
  • “I lost the cupcake fight.”
  • “Yesterday’s post felt a wee bit too seriousy.”
  • “Some people say I have too much time on my hands. Let me consider that for nine or ten hours…”
  • “Ran out of spinach, so made Green Monster with ice cream, marshmallows and green food coloring. Surprisingly, it tasted pretty good.”
  • “Still trying to figure out this ‘kilogram’ and ‘stone’ business.”
  • “Snack time. Trying to decide between handful of raw almonds or candy apple.”
  • “Well, the ‘Buy One, Get One Free” cinnamon bun offer was about to expire…”
  • “What is my ungodly fascination with taffy?”
  • “Yay! Didn’t get cheese sauce on my brocolli (went with caramel instead).
  • “They say nothing rhymes with ‘orange.’ Well, what about ‘car hinge’? Huh? Huh!?!
  • “Referring to your personal trainer as a ‘sweat monkey’ isn’t necessarily a good idea.”
  • “Rice cakes make dandy coasters.”
  • “Ouch… I think I’ve got ‘blogger’s ass.’”
  • “‘Jack Tw*t’ has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Day of Reckoning

“When a defining moment comes along,
you define the moment...
or the moment defines you.”
–Roy 'Tin Cup' McAvoy

My friend Sandy over at 45+ and Aspiring recently had her “Day of Reckoning,” the moment where she drew a line in the sand and said “This is it. This stops right here and goes no farther.” I get goose bumps just thinking about it.

If you’ve stopped by today looking for a couple of yuks, I encourage you to either back-track through the archives or check back tomorrow. Today is about that day of reckoning. Sandy’s, my own, maybe even your’s.

My DoR came on Easter Sunday of this past year. While you were busy scarfing down jelly beans and biting the heads off chocolate bunnies, I was home alone (my family was on a trip out of town). What I did with my holiday solitude was something that was long overdue: I finally took a good hard look at myself in the mirror. Truth to tell, I didn’t like the obese son-on-a-b*tch staring back at me one bit. I knew it was time… maybe my last chance… to take a stand.

I know that sounds overly dramatic, but this is a life-and-death situation we’re talking about, you know. Obesity and all its assorted running buddies are things that will just shut you down for good. So maybe I’m being overly dramatic or maybe I’m simply opening my eyes to what’s really going on.

Here’s the situation (and now I’m talking about you, too): we’re getting older every day, and this weight loss journey will never, ever be any easier than it is today. I don’t know where you are on life’s great golf course, but I’m on the back nine, where time and metabolism tag-team to make you want to give in and learn to love the love handles. A lot of people do give in, apparently. They either give in or make such a half-hearted fight of it that they might as well surrender.

But guess what? We’re not most people. I’m certainly not, and I suspect that you aren’t either. We’re putting our stories–our lives–out there for the whole world to see, to be a part of, to judge. For God sakes, we’re putting how much we weigh out there. Granted, we may have too much of a paunch, but nobody can say we don’t have guts.

Which brings me back to that whole “Day of Reckoning” business. When I decided it was honestly and truly gut-check time, positive things started happening in my life. Sure it was hard to get going and sure there were times when I questioned if I had what it takes to do this. But I kept at it, and (almost 50 lbs lighter) I’m keeping on keeping at it.

I can feel the changes taking place in my body, and I know I’m doing good work. I take all the compliments and comments I can get, but the real satisfaction is in knowing that I’m fighting the good fight, winning most days and at least holding my own on the rest.

I seriously doubt there’s a single person reading this that doesn’t know exactly what he or she has to do to lose weight. But unless you’ve had that day of reckoning, that moment when you know in your head and in your heart that it’s time to make it happen, I’m just not certain it will happen. This is an undertaking that not only takes it off of you, it takes it out of you.

I read a lot of weight loss blogs, and there’s nothing I enjoy more than discovering those true success stories and backtracking through their entire chronicle. In just about every case, you can see their spirit through their words, feel the steel in their voice. Even if you didn’t already know they’d lost 100 lbs. or more, you get a sense that they were going to, that nothing was going to stop them.

I am on a journey. I post a lot of non-stop nonsense, but make no mistake that I am on an adventure in which failure simply is not a consideration. I’m losing, and I’ll keep losing. I have no doubt in the world that my fat-to-fit trek will end in success.

I’ve had my day of reckoning, after all.

How about you?

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Even More Confush*t Say...

Confush*t say...

...person who eat too much fried chicken soon find goose cooked.
...person who say no to dessert get brownie points at weigh-in.
...person who never move ass find weight problem never rectified.
...person who doesn’t follow WW guidelines has pointless existence.
...person who can’t cut the cheese from diet farting around with weight gain.
..person who eat too many Oreos find middle crème-filled.
...person who drink too much coffee has latte problems.
...woman who has TOM won’t have good weigh-in results. Period.
...person who drink too much beer find that belly hang over.
...person who does lots of exercise won’t sweat hopping on scale.
...person who write about not losing weight need less blogging, more jogging.
...person who drink too much soda find diet plans fizzing out.
...person who fall off wagon finds destination even farther away than before.
...person who can’t handle love of food best learn to like love handles.
...person who drink too much cabernet at dinner whines at weigh-in.
...person who has hard boiled egg in morning has breakfast that’s hard to beat.
...person who laugh during weight loss journey last during weight loss journey.

Confush*t's motto:
Don't sweat the petty stuff, pet the sweaty stuff
or stuff the cheesy puffs.

Monday, July 6, 2009

A Sh*t-blimenal Message

I wanted to write a real positive message today to inspire my fellow weight loss journey-takers, but I’ve been getting the sense that several of them are in need of some tough love, a brutal butt-kicking to help get them back on track. Since I’m entirely too lazy to write two posts, I’ve gone ahead and put both of them into the same post. If you need the hard stuff, just read the colored text. Otherwise, enjoy a healthy dose of positivity.

You are doing so well. You’ve managed to really stick with it, to suck it up and do right. Really, you have a lot to be proud of, and I hope you are proud. You’re still going to have to put in an awful lot of effort at keeping this awesome momentum going. Are there going to be more tough days ahead for you? Sure there are (though even the tough days are going to get easier over time), but you’ve got what it takes to keep going strong, keep trying to be the best possible “you” you can be. You know that to be true, but sometimes you need to hear it again to make sure you don’t lose focus. This weight loss journey you and I are on is difficult, and I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that if you keep your drive, you keep your determination, and really keep your eyes on what’s important, on what you really want out of this life or this lifetime, there’s no possible way for you not to succeed. You may just be starting this journey or you may have been on it for decades, but all that matters is that your future is right here, and it’s right out in front of you. This is your time. This is your opportunity to shine, to finally get to be the person that you know is inside you. What you’re doing is going to make a difference; it really is.

Get busy doing what it takes, whatever it takes, to reclaim your life. Don’t give it to anything that starts eating away at your drive to get this done. The past is water under the bridge, and all your can control is your future. Start believing you’re moving towards your brand new life–a life that isn’t defined by being fat– and, the next thing you know, that’s exactly where you are. Sound simple? You bet your sweet ass it is. That’s because you already know what to do. You’ve got brains and you’ve got the willpower. Let’s agree on one thing: you’ve got everything you need to get what you want and make this happen. You’ve got too much going for you to fail. It’d be selling yourself short not to give it everything you’ve got, and we both know you’re not stupid. Nobody is going to lump you in with the folks that aren’t going to give their all to get this done. You’re special!

If we’ve learned anything on this journey, it’s that you can’t succeed if you don’t put in your best effort. We all want the same thing: to take our life and make it all that it can be. That’s why we give it all we’ve got, make the sacrifices we make and own up to our true potential. When our head’s in it, the game’s already half won. You’re in this to win it; no more wasting chances when you’re worth so much more. This is your time. It really is, my friend. It’s your time to be fulfill everyone’s best wishes for you. It’s time to make it happen.

It is wonderful that you’ve made such fantastic progress, but your life’s just getting started, chum. Shut out all those voices that feed you negative energy and load up on all the positive support and good vibes that’re waiting for you out in the world. Get motivation wherever you can get it and get going in the direction of what you dream (and know) your life can be. Let nothing hold you back and never fool yourself into thinking that you don’t have it in you to do this.

Start small, celebrate your progress and remember that this is more doing some fad diet; it’s a new lease on life and it starts right now. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. It starts right here and now, and week after week, you’re going to make each day count. Today is your day. Right your ship and sail off into the future with the promise of a better tomorrow and the assurance that now is your time, and that your destination is a better tomorrow. Get it together and get going!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

A Dud

Weekly weigh-in: 245.2
Loss: 0.7 lbs
Total loss: 46.3 lbs.
Emotion: Holi-dazed

I was tracking for another rock-solid week, even though I had to navigate a holiday office cookout and a minefield of a Fourth of July weekend.

I got through the holiday weekend without a real setback, and guess I should be happy with any kind of loss considering how badly it could have gone. I’m making strides, but it still feels like hard d*mn work on a week like this.

Looking down the road, I foresee a day when I can enjoy a holiday week without stressing about food. When food’s just a part of the fun, not the fun itself. When having a cold beer doesn’t necessarily lead to having a dozen beers. When an 4th of July outing doesn’t require a week of planning and an elaborate battle plan.

The lesson that I most need to learn: fireworks are fun, but if you shoot ‘em off every night, they’d get old pretty fast.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Weight Loss Tattoos

  • Born to Binge
  • Lard Have Mercy
  • Sore Loser
  • Carpe Diet
  • It’s all Good in the Food
  • Yes, I Would Like Fries With That
  • Scale-Bent on Success
  • Weight-Loss Warrior
  • Let ‘Em Eat Rice Cakes
  • Do or Diet
  • Mexican Food Mafia
  • GMME SOME (knuckle tattoo)
  • Whatever Doesn’t Kill Me, Only Makes Me Hungrier
  • 8 2 Much
  • Kalorie Killa
  • I’m Bloggin’ As Fast As I Can
  • There is No Fork
  • Been There, Chewed That
  • Ass-y & Sassy
  • The Original Hungry, Hungry Hippo
  • Loaded with Phat
  • Gastric Gangsta
  • Fuggetdabutta
  • Point-Countin’ Possee
  • Cauliflower Dreamin’
  • I Know Jack Sh*t!

If none of those inspire you to go get your ink on, maybe you should consider a simple licorice barb-wire armband or the ever-classy Swashti-kabob. Remember it’s not about feeding yourself; it’s about finding yourself.

Friday, July 3, 2009

JSKAHAHAPC Commemorative Poem

Knights of the Less-Round Table

By Sir Pull-Up-His-Pants-a-Lot

Gather, my children, one and all
As I tell a tale sure to enthrall.
Those weak of heart, please bid adieu.
For few have dared what dared these few.

The tale begins just one week hence,
There came a challenge deemed quite immense.
A rogue named Jack threw down the gauntlet,
And called vile names those who did not want it.

He spewed black venom with bile and spit,
This villain with the surname “Sh*t.”
His reasons why, why we know not,
But he plagued the land of Blogalot.

The first to answer Mad Jack’s decree
Was a knight that we call Sir Mrs. B.
She proved to “B” a heart-strong fighter,
And ended her quest a half-pound lighter.

As the deadline was drawing nigh,
Some had their doubts about Sir Chai.
But her adventure did win renown,
As she too dropped that half a pound.

What of Sir Kelly from the land of Texas,
Whose recent weight gain sort of vexed us?
Oh, she rebounded in a manner splendid,
A half pound down when this week ended.

In from her garden came Sir Lorie,
To harvest the fruits (and veggies) of glory.
Her plants may wither on the vine,
But her half-pound loss will forever shine.

Despite health concerns that’ve left her low,
There was no stopping brave Sir Jo.
She stayed one whole week upon the wagon,
And bravely slew the half-pound dragon.

Admire the will of Sir Spunky Suzi,
With spirit that’d make a grown man woozy.
Weighing in a half pound less,
This was no damsel in distress.

Hear the tale of the courageous Sir Katy,
Who bravely took on this challenge weighty.
And wrestled the half-pound to the floor,
And won renown and fame galore.

Some took this challenge as a crisis,
But twas not the case for brave Sir Lissus.
How she achieved it, it’s still unknown,
But she pulled a half-lb. loss from stone.

Sir Vraz60 couldn’t follow instructions,
But matched the other knights’ reductions.
The pounds that she somehow dispensed were
Enough that I could not hold it against her.

Of bold Sir Crystal, songs shall be sung.
She’s achieved so much for one so young.
Yes, a half-pound loss for this brave lass;
She came, she saw, she kicked some ass.

For brave Sir TJ there was no resting,
As she journeyed forth on her weight-loss questing.
She followed through on her bold pledgin’,
Her half-pound loss is stuff of legend.

Some thought Sir Laura to be fallible,
But she shined as brightly as Excalibur.
And like that sword she made the cut,
And took a half pound off her butt.

We had high hopes for Sir Hopeful’s quest,
As she took the challenge with zeal and zest.
A week went by and this brave soul
Dropped half a pound and met her goal.

Sir Lisa faced down her trepidations,
And fought off the worst of her temptations.
So by week’s end, she’d found her grail:
A half-pound loss upon the scale.

All hail the exploits of Sir Super_E
Who performed the challenge flawlessly.
The chapter she added to this story
Was sending a half-pound to Purgatory.

Sir Katschi, with her winsome smile,
Knocked off a half pound during this trial.
That’s one knight that likes to dance a lot
(Has anyone seen Sir Lancelot?).

And then there’s the tale of mighty Sir Caley,
Whose name shall ring forth through the valley.
What was the achievement of this maiden?
A half-pound loss when she weighed in.

The next brave soul to grace this ode, a
knight called Sir Rosie (of the Diet Soda).
With a half-pound loss, there was no doubt.
This was one weight-loss warrior who would not fizz out.

There where some who questioned brave Sir Gayle,
And wondered if she could prevail.
But it turned out to be a question moot
As she lost a half pound on her pursuit.

Who can forget the intrepid Sir Dawn,
Who went and got her weight loss on?
She met this challenge and was undaunted,
and got the half-pound loss she wanted.

When it comes to courage, Sir MB can bring some
A fact that’s known throughout the kingdom.
Her deeds were deemed both great and gallant;
She lost .5 lbs (and that takes some talent).

Listen now to Sir BigGirl’s tale
As againt all odds she did prevail.
Yes, a half-pound loss she did record,
And that’s really not half bad, m’lord.

As one of the few knights with testosterone,
Sir Roder more than held his own.
He gritted his teeth, hitched up his pants,
And speared a half-pound with his lance.

And then there’s the story of Sir Jenn,
The bravest knight since who-knows-when.
Why she may be as courageous as King Arthur,
And taken her weight loss a half pound farther.

Surely, none among you could blame me
For doubting the will of brave Sir Aimee.
But she proved to be quite sound of will,
And the half-pound pledge she did fulfill.

A moment of silence for gallant Sir Connie,
Who failed in the challenge of becoming more scrawny.
She fell on the battlefield, battered and muddy,
Slain in her prime by Sir TOM the Bloody.

With a will as strong as dragon’s breath,
Sir Heather challenged the half-pound to the death.
For a while there it was anyone’s game,
But she made the weight and won her fame.

Next came Sir Patty, the Weight-Loss Warrior,
The Calorie Cruncher, the Scale Destroyer.
Did she manage to accomplish the half-pound task?
Of course–I’m surprised you even had to ask.

Sir Fatty McFatfat, an oddly named knight,
Took up the challenge with all of his might.
Against considerable odds this warrior did trump,
And finished the week a half pound less plump.

Sir Shelley took on the challenge of this quest
Driven as if by a demon possessed.
Through hardship and darkness she did race,
And with a half-pound loss, earned a smiley face.

Sir Patricia’s tale is anything but tragic.
Like Merlin, her story seems imbibed with magic.
For her week seemed most enchanted.
Half-pound wished for, half-pound granted.

Sir Melisa (yes, that’s spelled correctly)
Took the challenge head-on directly.
She lost the half-pound that she sought
For herself and the glory of Blogalot.

Sir Teresa went off on her quest
To lose as much as all the rest.
And when she checked on what she weighed,
A half-pound dragon she too slayed.

And what become of Sir TJ Renee?
She lost the half-pound without delay.
I’m just glad that naught did harm her,
Since she would never wear her armor.

Then there’s the knight known as Sir NewMe,
A couragous weight-loss warrior truly.
For glorious feats, there come none greater
Than her half-pound loss one week later.

Sir Michael, from the land of the Rising Sun,
This challenge did neither shirk nor shun.
With courageous groans and manly growls,
He pushed .5 pounds from his bowels.

And then Sir Tammy from far Vancouver,
Was set to her weight outmaneuver.
For those at home who’re keeping score,
She got rid of a half-pound forevermore.

Hear now the tale of brave Sir Jenn,
Who knew this was her fight to win.
I don’t mean this to sound crass or satirical,
But her half-pound loss was truly a miracle.

Sir Nicole’s journey has been a terror,
Assessed a half-pound penalty on a weigh-in error.
How she managed to succeed is still a mystery,
But her one-pound loss will go down in history.

Sir Kimberly was the last knight to attack it,
Wounded by a potato jacket.
Still she managed to recover
and a half-pound loss she did uncover.

This is an age of miracles glorious
Of maidens fair, of heroes victorious.
This tale be true, ‘tis not a fable.
These be the Knights of the Less-Round Table.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Still More Fitness Center Conversation Starters

Since I've been in the gym so much lately, I've been breaking in some new conversation starters for you. Go make a new buddy...

  • “Look how puffy my muscles are getting!”
  • “I was gonna take human growth hormone, but I read somewhere that Flintstones chewables are basically the same thing.”
  • “What’s up, my brother from another mother?”
  • “Excuse me–where’s the hopscotch grid?”
  • “Did you know that a full bladder is roughly the size of a softball?”
  • “Check ‘em out… spandex mittens!”
  • “Ewwww…somebody filled my water bottle with mayonnaise.”
  • “Do you think these short shorts are too short?”
  • “I’m a maniac, maaaaaniac, on the floor. And I’m dancing like I’ve NEVER danced BEFORE. What? What? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?”
  • “Will you be my treadmill partner?”
  • “Hey, I’m gonna be over there on the Taffy Puller if you need me.”
  • “I think my personal trainer hates me. Probably because I slashed her tires.”
  • “Hey, wanna watch me do arm curls?”
  • “I just completed a marathon. Yeah, it was the Gilligan’s Island marathon on TV Land.”
  • “Tag… you’re it!”
  • “Hey, you’ve got a wireless cell phone.”
  • “Do you read Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit? Me neither.”

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

100 Lbs. of Credit Card Debt

Every now and again, I hear a story of someone who’s dealing with a massive amount of credit card debt. As someone who pays off his plastic every month, it’s always amazed me how folks can get so in-over-their-heads, just making minimum payments and getting absolutely hammered with high interest rates.

Then the light bulb went off.

After I changed the light bulb, I considered the whole credit card issue once more, and came to the realization that my whole weight issue is very much like having $25,000 on a MasterCard bill. Consider the similarities:

  • I didn’t get in such dire straits overnight.
  • I certainly can’t make it all suddenly go away.
  • It causes stress.
  • It causes heartache.
  • It affects so many other areas of my life.
  • It jeopardizes my future.
  • I want to make a change, but it’s just so hard to make any headway.

How do you get out of massive credit card debt? The first thing you do is shred those cards and start changing your behavior. Then you realize that there are mighty forces working against you (interest), and you need to make a plan to get rid of the debt as quickly and efficiently as possible. You hear radio commercials for get-out-of-debt-free companies, but you and I both know that things that sound too good to be true are often… well… too good to be true.

Anyway, we got ourselves into this mess, and we can d*mn sure get out of it on our own.

A little planning.

A little willpower.

A little determination.

A good bit of time.

Like that person with the big fat credit card bill, I can’t even remember all the small things, all the little charges that got me to where I am today, but I will tell you this: I can work off this debt, and I will clean up my balance sheet.

And I’ll be a richer man for doing it.


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