Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Attention Half-Pound Weight Warriors

This post is only for those individuals participating in the Jack Sh*t Kick-Ass Half-Ass Half-A-Pound Challenge. Please do not attempt to read this if you are not a part of the JSKAHAHAPC. I will be writing the rest of this message in the secret code that should have been part of your “Welcome to the JSKAHAHAPC” packet:

Easeplay endsay oryay urrentcay eightway-in information iavah maileay as oonsay as ossipleplay in… f*ck it, get your weigh-in info to me at JackSh.tGettinFit(AT)gmail(DOOT)com by end of business tomorrow.

JSKAHAHAPC Memorial Poem goes up Friday, with or without you.

Good luck, and may God have mercy on your soul (that doesn't really mean anything, but I heard it in a movie once and I've been itching to use it).

Acts Playing at Foodstock

  • Earth, Wind & Fries
  • U2Fat
  • Velvetta Revolver
  • ZZ Top Chef
  • Celine Dijon
  • Joe Crockpot
  • Nickelbaklava
  • Almond Joy Brothers
  • Bruce Springroll & The Eat Street Band
  • Dixie Chickpeas
  • Motley Croutons
  • Miley Gyros
  • Avril Lasagna
  • Kid Rocky Road
  • ABBAloney
  • Hootie & the Blow Pops
  • Kenny Cheesewhiz
  • The All-American ReChexmix
  • Guns ‘N Rotel
  • Tina Turnover
  • Nelly Purtado
  • Pearl Jam-Filled Donuts
  • Rage Against The Margarine
  • Justin Trimmercake
  • Aerosnickers
  • The Bin Gees
  • Nutellica
  • Fleetwood Mac & Cheese
  • Lynard Skittleyrd
  • Alicia Keylime
  • Stevie Wonderbread
  • Iggy Popsicle
  • Duranch Duritoes
  • Red Hot Chili Pringles
  • AC/KFC

There’s two things you should never do when you’re hungry: go to the grocery store or write a blog post.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Weight Loss Primer

A is for Appetite
It’s really the cruelest,
And wants us to live
Our lives to the fullest.

B is for BMI
Body Mass Index, you know.
It’s just one other way
To call you “Fatso.”

C is for Calories
Counting them’s our obsession.
The higher the number,
The deeper our depression.

D is for Diet
Kiss those buffets good-bye.
You know you can’t spell it
Without the word “Die.”

E is for Exercise
Time to get tired and sweaty,
And leave all your limbs
Feeling just like spaghetti.

F is for Fat-Free
To help take off the pounds.
But be careful, it’s not always
As low-cal as it sounds.

G is for Green Monster
The smoothie with spinach.
It’ll help start your day right
And keep ya strong to the finich.

H is for High Blood Pressure
Another obesity side effect.
Get it under control or
It’ll leave your life wrecked.

I is for Ideal Weight
Remember, it’s just a number.
If you never quite get there,
Don’t lose any slumber.

J is for Junk Food
It helps your waistline expand.
What part of the word “Junk”
Do you not understand?

K is for Kick-Off
It’s the most important part
Because you’ll never get going
If you never ever start.

L is for Lifestyle Change
This is more than a phase.
It’s something we should follow
For the rest of our days.

M is for Metabolism
Some are fast, some are listless.
If you quit blaming your body,
You’ll end up getting p*ssed less.

N is for Nutrition
It’s time to face facts
Cuz the smarter we are,
The healthier our snacks.

O is for Obesity
A BMI 30 or higher,
You need to lose weight
(Yeah, I'm preaching to the choir).

P is for Plateau
Sometimes weight loss stalls out.
When the going get tough,
The tough go balls out.

Q is for Quitting
You should choose to refuse,
Cuz winners never quit
And quitters never lose.

R is for Raw
Fruits and veggies by the heap.
Make them part of your diet.
Eat ‘em and reap.

S is for Serving Size
When filling those platters,
Please keep this in mind
Size definitely matters.

T is for Trans Fats
The fats that’re most hated.
I’ll take mine more natural
Or non-hydrogenated.

U is for Uphill
This climb’ll leave you aching.
Take pride in your effort and
The progress you’re making.

V is for Veggies
They’re great to consume.
Beet ever so onion,
There snow peas legume.

W is for Weigh-In
It often will disgust us.
When you step on those scales,
Sometimes there’s no justice.

X is for XXL
Our plus sizes are whopping.
Losing weight opens up
Brand new shops for shopping.

Y is for Yo Yo
Weight is down, weight is higher.
That is really one game
That we need to retire.

Z is for ZZZ’s
Get plenty of snoozing.
It’ll help get your head
In the right place for losing.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

You Are Now Leaving Obese City

Weekly weigh-in: 245.9
Loss: 2.0 lbs
Total loss: 45.6 lbs.
Emotion: Relieved

I’ve packed my bags, loaded up my belongings and moved out of my crummy place in Obese City.

That’s right, after my morning weigh-in, my Wii Fit scale has now officially quit calling me “obese” (and I have officially quit calling it a “dumb b*tch”)

When I began this journey, moving my little Wii dude out of that “obese” range seemed like a pie-in-the-sky goal, too far away to even realistically consider. But time and focused commitment make excellent carpool partners, and today I stand before you a new man. An “Overweight” man, to be sure, but a new man nonetheless.

So goodbye forever, Obese City.

It’s a terrible place to visit, but I sure wouldn’t want to live there.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Interview with Jack Sh*t's Wife, Anita

JS: What’s it like being married to the “bad boy of weight loss blogging”?
Anita: See, that’s just ridiculous. You are not the “bad boy of weight loss blogging.” I swear…

JS: Okay, let me rephrase the question: what’s it like being married to the “original outlaw of weight loss…”
Anita: Okay, I’m outta here.

JS: Wait, wait. What’s a typical day for Anita Sh*t?
Anita: Well, at breakfast I generally have to sit through a food lecture from a man who used to eat Cocoa Puffs every morning.

JS: Cocoa Puffs are very high in Niacin
Anita: You don’t even know what Niacin is.

JS: Yes, I do. It’s something that's in Cocoa Puffs. Anyway, tell me more about your typical day.
Anita: Why are you asking me these questions?

JS: Ummmm, it’s a surprise.
Anita: For our anniversary next week?

JS: Our anniversary’s next week? Yeeeeees, it’s for a double-secret anniversary project I’m working on. How did you meet Jack Sh*t?
Anita: Why are you referring to yourself in the third person? Bob Dole used to do that all the time; it’s very annoying.

JS: How did you meet… your husband?
Anita: We went to high school together.

JS: Love at first sight?
Anita: Hardly.

JS: Love at second sight?
Anita: You’re getting warmer.

JS: How has Jack… how has I changed as he’s been on this weight loss journey.
Anita: Well, he seems to spend an awful lot of time on the computer.

JS: Writing?
Anita: Giggling.

JS: Maybe he’s in a good mood?
Anita: Maybe he needs his meds checked. Look, I’ve got a lot of work to do. You can do your play interview with Pisa.

JS: Grrrrr… okay, Pisa. How was your dad changed over the past few months?
Pisa: He’s still fat but he’s not as fat as he was when he was really fat.

JS: Pisa, what’s it like being the daughter of the “old-school gangsta of the weight loss blogging community”?
Pisa: Moooom, Dad’s being weird.

Friday, June 26, 2009

I Am Even More Committed Than I Was Before

  • I am 10,000,000% committed.
  • If my commitment were represented as a bowling score, it would be 301.
  • My license plate reads “KAMMINT” (okay, the first nine I requested were already taken)
  • I am not only going to talk the talk and walk the walk, but I’m also going to balk the balk and chalk the chalk.
  • My level of commitment makes a celibate monk look like Hugh Hefner after a Viagra sandwich.
  • If you threw a golf ball into a bottomless hole and measured when it hit the ground, THAT times two would be close to my level of dedication.
  • The Obama administration strongly considered me to head up the Government Task Force on Commitment, but decided my insanely high commitment level would overshadow the commitment committee’s work and quite possibly cause a financial crisis.
  • Each morning, I begin the day with a staring contest with my reflection.
  • I no longer use the words “ ,” “ ” or “ - .”
  • I am Evil-Knievel-jumping-the-Snake-River committed.
  • I am Houdini-handcuffed-and-thrown-down-Niagara-Falls committed.
  • I am more committed to losing weight than a TV weatherman is to his Doppler Radar.
  • Every morning, I ratchet up my commitment one more notch.
  • I am to commitment what bacon is to the BLT.
  • They say “never say never”, but what I say is “Never say ‘never say never” (I may have lost my point on that one…)
  • If I wrote a hip-hop song, it would be called “Committed 2 My B*tches,” because 1) it needs to have a naughty word in the title in order for it to be successful and 2) it’s a love story.
  • If commitment could be represented as a color, I would be crimson-violet with a streak of teal.
  • Suicide bombers write to me all the time and ask “D*mn, how can I be as committed as you, brother?”
  • They say the finest steel must go through the hottest fire. I have been through Hell’s pizza oven. Twice.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Really Bad Weight Loss Advice

  • Trick your stomach into feeling full by eating a couple of sticks of butter.
  • Carry around a bag of Milky Way bars in your gym bag in case your blood sugar goes too low or you really feel like a Milky Way bar.
  • Weigh yourself once a year.
  • When you go to the movies, request “Light butter” on your box of Milk Duds.
  • When you eat a loaf of French bread, scrape off the carbs first.
  • To curb the urge to get up in the middle of the night and go to the kitchen for a midnight snack, keep a pan of warm brownies on your nightstand.
  • Instead of a Big Mac when you go to McDonald’s, settle for two Double Quarter Pounders with Cheese.
  • Going out doesn’t have to be all about a big entrée; next time, just order a round or two of cheesesticks, potato skins and the Triple Dipper Southwest egg rolls.
  • If you can’t remember to eat fresh fruit, fruit-flavored ice cream is an acceptable alternative.
  • Instead of saying “Yes” when the drive-thru girl asks “Would you like fries with that?” say “Please.”
  • Watch a workout DVD at least once a week.
  • A salad with Thousand Island dressing has a surprising amount of calories; next time, just leave off the salad and swig the dressing from the bottle.
  • Make one day of the week a “Nothing-But-Cheese” day.
  • Instead of salting your food, put a hunk of salt between your cheek and gum and release a little bit with each bite.
  • One slice of cake may be high in calories, but they never say just how big the slice can be. You’ve got ‘em on a technicality.
  • Make up impressive weight loss numbers for your blog to make you feel better about your progress.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

You, My Friend, Are Chickensh*t

...if you don't sign up for my inaugural weight loss challenge: Jack Sh*t’s Kick-Ass Half-Ass Half-A-Pound Challenge. We've already got a couple dozen folks who believe they have what it takes to lose one half pound over the next seven days. I'm still trying to get an even 1,000,000 participants, so hop on board the JSKAHAHAPC Express.


  1. All successful participants in this one-week adventure will have their names forever emblazoned onto the Jack Sh*t’s Kick-Ass Half-Ass Half-A-Pound Challenge Commemorative Poem.
  2. A half-pound loss will put you one-half-pound closer to your overall weight-loss goal.

Email me your name, the name of your blog (if you have one) and your official weigh-in start weight before (or around) midnight tonight (or slightly after if you include a good, humorous excuse). No weights will be revealed to the general public (just to my co-workers at the office). Send your entries to JackSh.tGettinFit(AT)gmail(DOT)com.

This is your last chance to get in on the easiest, most rewarding weight loss challenge of the summer. The new half-pound-lighter you will thank you for it.

Ahem... Memememe

Although I felt I had legally (though half-assedly) fulfilled my meme obligation to Dina (who along with Tony tagged me with this sh*t), apparently it wasn’t enough for some people. Oh, it’s never enough for some people. You give and you give and you give… but some people can’t appreciate the simple beauty of a summer sunset or a well-crafted knock knock joke.

So here… here is my third and final attempt at answering a bunch of questions no one’s interested in hearing the answers to. I hope you’re happy. Really, I hope you’re happy. Really happy… like gumdrops and happy rainbow happy. I’m serious: I hope you’re happy. Seriously.


1. Respond and rework; answer the questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your invention & add one more question of your own.

2. Tag eight other people

What is your current obsession? I have 7,200 miles of model railroad track throughout my house, but curiously… no model trains.

What are you wearing today? Button-down shirt, paisley tie, striped pajama pants

What’s for dinner? Way too early to contemplate dinner.

What’s the last thing you bought? Grow-your-own-silkworm kit.

What are you listening to right now? Spanish weather channel.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? Great Wall of China (Chinese restaurant by my office).

Which language do you want to learn? English.

What do you love most about where you currently live? Nobody knows me.

What is your favorite colour? Ecru (also favorite word).

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe? A pair of sneakers that Michael Jordan actually allowed to be licensed with his name and silhouette likeness.

Describe your personal style? Casually elegant.

If you had $300 now, what would you spend it on? Would pay a recent college graduate to walk around and continuously fan me off. It’s so hot…

What are you going to do after this? Rest my weary head.

Your favorite smell? Old people.

Do you collect anything? Paintings based on celebrity mug shots.

What makes you follow a blog? A quality that I like to call “followability.”

What's your favorite kind of onion? Vidalia.

What’s one thing you dream of doing? Tie: being the best person I can possibly be/attaining the power to completely destroy all my enemies.

What is your biggest regret? Not putting this meme on my blog to begin with.

What is your favorite thing to do on a rainy day? Just lie around and contemplate all my favorite things.

Do you have a tattoo? Yes, but not on my body.

What are your favorite books? What to Expect When You’re Expecting, Learn Conversation Japanese in 60 Days, Blogging for Dummies

Are you left handed, right handed, ambidextrous, or a little of both? Right handed, but don’t tell my left hand as it is insanely jealous.

Are you a big fan of memes? Why, yes I am.

Tag… you’re it!

1. Rosie at Fit, Healthy Hips.
2. FatDaddy at FatDaddy Rants
3. Katie J. at Katie J’s Weight Loss Journey
4. Kat at secrets...to losing...
5. Mrs. B. at breaking up with burgers
6. Rosie at DietSodaDiva.com
7. FatTrainer at FatTrainer
8. saoirse at saoirse

More Kn*ck Kn*ck Jokes

Kn*ck Kn*ck.
Who's there?
Hiawatha who?
Hiawatha very bad on my diet today.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Dwight who?
Dwight way to wose weight is the eat wess and exewcise more.

Kn*ck Kn*ck.
Who's there?
Winner who?
Winner you gonna get serious about losing some weight?

Kn*ck Kn*ck.
Who's there?
Botany who?
Botany good diet books lately?

Kn*ck Kn*ck.
Who's there?
Water who?
Water you having for lunch? I’m having lettuce.

Kn*ck Kn*ck.
Who's there?
Lettuce who?
Lettuce go out and see if we can find something better for lunch.

Kn*ck Kn*ck.
Who's there?
Madame who?
Madame stomach is rumbling.

Kn*ck Kn*ck.
Who's there?
Thumb who?
Thumb times I worry about Jack Sh*t…

Kn*ck Kn*ck.
Who's there?
Justice who?
Justice once I think I’ll have some cake.

Kn*ck Kn*ck.
Who's there?
Noah who?
Noah way to lose weight that’s easier than this?

Kn*ck, Kn*ck.
Who's there?
Dozen who?
Dozen anyone want to join Jack Sh*t’s Kick-Ass Half-Ass Half-A-Pound Challenge?

Kn*ck Kn*ck.
Who's there?
Werewolf who?
We're wolfing down dinner over here.

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Baby owl.
Baby owl who?
Baby owl see you after your weigh-in.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Wicked who?
Wicked go get ice cream if I wasn’t on this diet.

Kn*ck, Kn*ck!
Who's there?
Candice who?
Candice d*mn scale please give me a loss this week?

Kn*ck, Kn*ck!
Who's there?
Thermos who?
Thermos be a better weight loss blog than this one.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Norma Lee.
Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee I write better posts than this.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A Challenge to Get Jacked Up About

You know how I am.

When I see people with something on their blog that I don’t have… well, I get sh*tty.

Then I get whatever it is that they have that I don’t have.

Lately, I’ve been seeing folks throwing down the weight loss gauntlet to all their readers. It’s all weight loss challenge this, weight loss challenge that. It was just too much to bear.

So you are cordially invited to take part in my inaugural weight loss challenge: Jack Sh*t’s Kick-Ass Half-Ass Half-A-Pound Challenge. All participants will have one week in order to lose one-half pound.

I’m all about positive reinforcement, so I didn’t want to set the bar too high. I figured a half-pound loss would be a do-able achievement over seven days. What if you lose more than the half-pound? Whoop de doo, you’re awesome… but for this challenge, it won’t win you any fat-free brownie points. Super over-achievers, go find yourself another more challenging weight loss challenge.

Why should you participate, you ask? Two reasons.

  1. All successful participants in this one-week adventure will have their names forever emblazoned onto the Jack Sh*t’s Kick-Ass Half-Ass Half-A-Pound Challenge Commemorative Poem.
  2. I hate to say it, but you could really stand to lose another half a pound.

In order to be eligible for this program, you must email me your name, the name of your blog (if you have one) and your official weigh-in start weight before (or around) midnight tomorrow (or slightly after if you live someplace weird like Liverpool or Australia or Cleveland). Send your entries to JackSh.tGettinFit(AT)gmail(DOT)com.

If you are participating, you may proudly display the snazzy JSKAHAHAPC emblem on your own blog or web site denoting your pride and participation. You may also invite your own readers to come join the challenge, but please keep in mind that I have to work in every winner’s name into the commemorative poem and I’m a pretty lazy son-of-a-b*tch, so don't make it sound too extra-fantastic.

In seven days, I will demand your current weigh-in information (there’s a chance I may show up at your home to verify weigh-in information, so no cheating!), and those participants whose half-ass efforts have resulted in a kick-ass half-pound loss will join me (am I participating? Oh, hell yeah!) in the loser’s circle.

Are you up to the challenge?

Monday, June 22, 2009

100th Big Fat Post

In honor of my 100th post, here's my best advice for losing weight, broken out in an easy-to-implement and simple-to-follow 100-step process...

  1. Eat less.
  2. Exercise more.
  3. Hmmmmmm…you know, that’s really all I’ve got.
  4. I’ve said it as many different ways as I can think of, but really that’s the entire playbook.
  5. Eat less.
  6. Exercise more.
  7. There, I said it again.
  8. Cut me some slack, I gotta get to 100.
  9. Where am I?
  10. 9? Oh, f*ck.
  11. Okay, let’s delve a little deeper…
  12. Folks have been questioning me about how I’m making these pounds disappear and seem vaguely unsettled by the answer.
  13. Less plate full of chow.
  14. More sweat on the brow.
  15. Maybe there’s more to it.
  16. Oh, there’s some little things.
  17. Drink water.
  18. A lot of water.
  19. Watch the salt.
  20. Be mindful of what you’re eating.
  21. Pay attention to how much you’re eating.
  22. Make going to a restaurant the exception to the rule instead of the rule.
  23. Eat more fruits and veggies.
  24. Blog every day, if for no other reason than to stay accountable.
  25. Stay positive.
  26. Oh, and there’s something else…
  27. I think you’ve really got to want it.
  28. I mean, really want it.
  29. For yourself.
  30. For somebody else.
  31. You’ve really got to want it because it can be hard d*mn work.
  32. You’ll find yourself at dinners where they’re serving the most delicious food imaginable.
  33. You’ll find yourself at parties where the wine and beer are flowing like the Amazon.
  34. You’ll find so much of the world working against you that it might seem too much to bear.
  35. You’ve got to bear it anyway.
  36. You’ll find it oh-so-easy to stray off course all too often.
  37. You need to stay the path.
  38. You’ll find yourself slogging through mud, gaining no traction, making no headway.
  39. You need to keep going.
  40. And going.
  41. And going.
  42. You didn’t get where you are overnight.
  43. You won’t get where you’re going overnight.
  44. But here’s the thing: time passes.
  45. I know: I’m an insightful son-of-a-b*tch.
  46. Time passes and passes and passes.
  47. Put a good day together.
  48. You know what it takes, and you know it’s within you to put one good day together.
  49. Eat right.
  50. Maybe not perfectly, but right.
  51. For one day.
  52. Exercise.
  53. You don’t have to join a gym or do a thousand sit-ups.
  54. Walk for thirty minutes.
  55. Mind you, I didn’t say “stroll.”
  56. Walk, as in “I really worked up a sweat on that walk.”
  57. Go to bed hungry.
  58. While you lie there, stomach grumbling, think about what you just accomplished.
  59. One good day.
  60. Truthfully, it wasn’t even that hard.
  61. It helps if you tell yourself that anyway.
  62. Now stay with me; here comes the tricky part.
  63. One day more.
  64. That’s right–put two good days together.
  65. The smarter ones among you may have guessed the pattern.
  66. Put a good week together.
  67. It’s just a week, for God’s sake. One out of the hundreds of weeks you’ve been on this earth and one of the hundreds and hundreds you have left.
  68. Put a good week together, and just see, just see how you feel.
  69. You may find that it’s not quite as difficult as you imagined.
  70. You may find that it achieves the result you say you’re looking for.
  71. I can hear the “buts”…
  72. “But I’m so busy…”
  73. “But I work fourteen hours a day…”
  74. “But the kids are so needy…”
  75. “But I have to go out with my friends…”
  76. I said “good days,” I didn’t say “perfect days.”
  77. Nobody’s perfect.
  78. But do understand the basic principle of “cause and effect.”
  79. Go out with your friends.
  80. Pay for it with an extra hour of sweat.
  81. Hey, don’t shake your head at me; these aren’t my rules.
  82. If I had my way, it’d be cake, chips and big-screen TVs for everybody… and we’d all look like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.
  83. Last time I checked (and mind you, I check all the time), we weren’t doing things my way.
  84. After a week, make a decision.
  85. “I can do this” or “I can’t do this.”
  86. If you can’t do this, accept it and accept the fact that things aren’t going to change (for the better, at least).
  87. If you can do it, do it.
  88. Do it one more day.
  89. One more week.
  90. One more month.
  91. One more year.
  92. Time flies, moreso than you even realize.
  93. I promise that if you keep doing it, it will get easier.
  94. It will become second nature.
  95. It will change from being your diet to being your lifestyle.
  96. To being your life.
  97. It is in you to do this.
  98. Start today.
  99. Make this your first good day.
  100. And then go from there.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Sweet Smell of Success

Weekly weigh-in: 247.9
Loss: 4.2 lbs
Total loss: 43.6 lbs.
Emotion: Omnipotent

In honor of Father’s Day, I birthed out another solid weigh-in.

I exercised for at least 45 minutes every day of this past week. I went out to eat only one time, and that was at a lunch spot that specializes in home-grown, home-cooked veggies. I had no celebrations, no close calls, no set-backs. Laser beams don’t have the focus I had last week.

Why? I’ll tell you exactly why: I don’t know.

Maybe I’m just in a groove, maybe I’m just forming new, healthier habits or maybe I’m simply enjoying the fact that I’m getting rid of more fat pants than a Casual Male XL during a red-tag sale.

Another reason for my smiley face this weekend is that I finally came up with a semi-wonderful response to that aggravating “Are you losing weight?” question (and it’s a question I’m having to deal with on a more regular basis as time goes on). A guy I haven’t seen in a few months stopped by my office the other day and asked “AYLW?”

I looked at him very somberly and replied deadpan: “Yeah, I’m on a hunger strike until they get this whole election deal in Iran worked out.” The beautiful thing about that response is that it’s got legs… you can customize it, personalize it, localize it… use whatever’s topical to keep from having to get into a discussion about something that I have no interest in talking about (but that I will blog about ‘til the cows come home).

As a few of you have so graciously reminded me, I’ve got some car accessorizing to do today. Not only is the world smelling sweeter these days, the view’s getting quite a bit better as well.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Weight Loss Anagrams

In case you’re mixed up about it, anagrams are words, phrases or names formed by rearranging the letters of another, such as melon, formed from lemon.
  • Weight Watchers – We Watches Girth
  • Diet – Edit
  • The Fast Food Restaurant – Do Feature Hot Transfats.
  • Slimfast – Slam Fist
  • Jenny Craig – Jean Crying
  • Richard Simmons – Him Crass Nimrod
  • I’m On A Diet – Amen, Idiot
  • Frito Lay – Oily Fart
  • Biggest Loser – Bite Less Grog
  • Fat Free Ice Cream – Fierce Face Tamer
  • Green Monster – Greenest Morn
  • McDonalds – Damn Clods
  • I Am Loving It – Ailing. Vomit.
  • Hateful Diet – Futile Death
  • Dreaded Weigh-in – We’re Dead, Hiding
  • Unwrapped Foods – Drop A Few Pounds
  • Eat Less, Exercise More – Extreme Scale Soiree
  • Weight Loss Blog – Bowleg Sh*t Slog
  • Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit – Jack Fine Tight T*ts

Friday, June 19, 2009

Weight Loss Nursery Rhymes

Jack and Jill
Jill and Jack
Went to Donut Shack,
To fetch a dozen crullers.
Chocolate supreme
All loaded with crème,
In all assorted colors.

Jill watched Jack
Have a heart attack,
And went to dial 9-1-1.
But before the call,
She stopped in the hall
To finish her cinnamon bun.

Jack and Jill
Went to the hospital,
Where he had an operation.
After his brush with fate,
Now they’re watching their weight
And eat in moderation.

Georgie Porgie
Georgie Porgie, puddin' and pie,
Eats all kinds of cheaties instead of his Wheaties.
Was anybody shocked when he went to the doc,
And diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes?

Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty weighed 328.
Humpty Dumpty was way overweight.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't pull Humpty away from his plate.

Humpty Dumpty joined Weight Watchers one day.
Humpty Dumpty decided to stay.
Now all the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t pull ol’ Humpty Dumpty away.

Humpty Dumpty, sticking to plan,
Has lost 50 pounds since his diet began.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Can’t believe Humpty is quite the same man.

Goosey Goosey Goose
Goosey Goosey Goose, always making some excuse.
“I’m too tired, I’m too sore, I can’t work out anymore.
I’ve got houseguests, I’ve got a job, my kids are underfoot.”
And then doesn’t understand it when all the pounds stay put.

Froggy Went A-Countin’
Froggy went a-countin’
And he did diet (Uh-hmm, Uh-hmm)
Froggy went a-countin’
And he did diet (Uh-hmm, Uh-hmm)
Froggy went a-countin’ and he did diet
Too many points and he wouldn’t try it.
Froggy went a-countin’
And he did diet (Uh-hmm, Uh-hmm)

Peter Peter
Peter Peter Low Carb eater,
Low Carb blogger. Low Carb tweeter.
Peter Peter, what is your problem
That makes you such a Low Carb snob, hmm?

Twinkle Twinkle
Twinkle twinkle, Body Bugg,
Clinging to my arm, so snug.
Like an iPod, only dumber,
Keep me walking all through summer.
Twinkle twinkle, Body Bugg,
(Where’d I put that stupid plug?)

Blog Blog Jack Sh*t
Blog blog Jack Sh*t, have you any posts?
Yes sir, yes sir, I’ve got your daily dose.
One that’s pretty stupid, one that’s not-so-great,
And one to help the people who’re trying to lose some weight.
Blog blog Jack Sh*t, why are your posts so weird?
Cuz I’m feeling giddy now that pounds have disappeared.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Ways Losing Weight Is Like Marriage

  • It all starts with a vow.
  • Some days are harder than others.
  • You’ll sometimes go to bed mad.
  • It takes some people several attempts to get it right.
  • Some people never get it right.
  • You have to work harder than you ever imagined.
  • It can be very rewarding.
  • At times, you might need a counselor to help get things on track.
  • Sometimes you want what somebody else has.
  • After you commit, you have to quit doing whatever you want.
  • You no longer wear the dress you wore when you started.
  • Keeping it going is hard, but ending it is more expensive in the long run.
  • Cheating doesn’t lead to anything good.
  • It’s not going to work unless your spouse helps.
  • Some people do it for the children.
  • If it feels too much like work, chances are you’re not going to be successful with it.
  • It gives you a reason to become a better person than you already are.
  • If you do it right, it lasts the rest of your life.
I remember asking my Grandpa Noah how much it cost to get married. He thought it over, then replied, “I don't know, Jackie. I'm still paying for it.”

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

How to Stop Being a Wally Whinybritches

We all have our bad days on this arduous weight loss journey. Our nothing-goes-right, everybody-sucks, I-hate-my-life days when we’d just like to curl up someplace and die. Actually, we’d prefer if everybody else would just curl up and die, preferably quietly yet in a bitter, painful manner. My Grandpa Noah always called this being a “Wally Whinybritches.”

How can we dig ourselves out of this rut and embrace all of life’s rich goodness and endless possibilities? How can we infuse ourselves with warm positive vibes and fresh constructive energy? I’m glad you asked…
  • Make friends with that nice old lady neighbor and, while chatting with her, mentally calculate the difference between your life expectancy and hers.
  • Go to Starbucks and order a Grande extra hot half-caff/half-decaff with extra foam, split shot with a half squirt of sugar-free vanilla and a half squirt of sugar-free cinnamon, a half packet of Splenda in a Venti cup with extra whipped cream with chocolate and caramel sauce drizzled on top. Pay with pennies.
  • Give a homeless person a backrub.
  • Write a letter to someone you’ve not heard from in a while, and ask where’s that $50 they owe you.
  • Give yourself permission to shoplift something nice for yourself.
  • Write down all the things that bother you on a list, then take a handgun and shoot the list until there’s nothing left but burnt, tattered little slips of paper.
  • Make it a “Do Something Nice for Me” Day, and when I say “me,” I’m literally referring to myself. Come to my house and do something nice for me (preferably laundry).
  • Splurge for a background check on your best friend.
  • Imagine that you are breathing in happiness and farting out rainbows.
  • Show a child how to do something (like mow the lawn).
  • Make a list of things you’d like to accomplish over the week, then get drunk and laugh hysterically about the list.
  • Try a daily affirmation, such as “Affirmations aren’t really as stupid and silly as I think they are.”
  • Realize that the world has seen bigger problems that yours; not much bigger, mind you, but bigger.
  • Be your own cheering section (cheerleading outfit required).
  • Ask yourself "What can I do now to be more happy?" and then do that thing.

If all else fails, remember that there are kids out there in the hospital with terminal illnesses. You’ve got it much better off than they do. (Note to kids out there in the hospital with terminal illnesses: if you’re not planning to use your Make-A-Wish wish, I’ve always wanted to drive one of those big 18-wheelers. 10-4 good buddy...I'm westbound and down. Wooooooooo.)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Even More Fitness Center Conversation Starters

Seeing as I spend a good deal of time at the gym, I'm always trying to strike up a conversation with the person working out beside me. I don't know why it fails more often than not...
  • “Dude, you look like one of those weightlifter dudes.”
  • “Can I borrow your iPod for a while?”
  • “I’m training for a 401-K.”
  • “I can do 500 sit-ups. Well, not all at one time…”
  • “Did you know that humans produce about 10,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime?”
  • “Do you know if this treadmill goes backwards?”
  • “I got kicked out of my last gym. Excessive yodeling.”
  • “Pork rind?”
  • “Excuse me, do you know of any personal trainers that don’t mind being paid in yarn?”
  • “Sorry, I thought two people could do this machine at the same time.”
  • “You’re a regular Sweaty Betty, aren’t you?”
  • “Excuse me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”
  • “Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?”
  • “Did somebody poot?”
  • “Excuse me. I'm from the FBI…the Fine Body Investigators… and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.”
  • “I work in the beverage industry, and I’ll let you in on a little secret: Gatorade and Kool-Aid are exactly the same drink. Exactly!”
  • “They say Hitler loved his elliptical machine.”
  • “Y’know, Dina pees in the shower.”
  • “I’m exercising my mind right now, thank you very much.”
  • “Race ya. Yeah, I realize they’re stationary bikes; it was just a conversation starter I read on some stupid blog.”

Monday, June 15, 2009

The Cat in the Fat

The sun did not shine,
hadn’t shined in a bit,
For the fellow the blogging world
knows as Jack Sh*t.

He sat there so sadly.
He sat there unhappily.
And he said, “How I wish I didn’t eat
quite so crappily.”

Too big to go out
And too fat to play ball.
So he sat at his desk
and did nothing at all.

And all he could do was to
And it left him feeling
Like a big lump of sh*t.

And then
Something went bump!
How that bump made him jump!

He looked!
Then he saw it pop onto his screen.
A web site
On weight loss and low-fat cuisine.
And it said to Jack,
"C’mon, let’s break this routine.”

"I know you are chubby.
And there’s work to be done
But you can drop poundage
And still have some fun."

"Have no fear!" said the site.
"I will not let you fail.
I will give you new confidence
when you stand on that scale."

"In order to lose weight,
There’s two things you must do.
And I call these two things
Thing One and Thing Two."

"Thing One is 'eat less'
Stuff less food in your mouth.
Cuz what goes in up North
Often winds up down South."

"'Exercise more' is Thing Two
And please don’t forget.
You won’t dump the plump
without sweating some sweat."

"Follow Thing 1 and Thing 2
And you won’t stay a fat hog.
Why, if you wanted to you could
Write your own blog."

"Chronicle your journey
as you step away from the abyss
Fill it with wisdom
(and a few stupid lists)."

So I vowed to eat right,
I started to move.
And soon I was in my own
little weight-losing groove.

And my blog’s doing great.
I may never get rich,
But it seems to have found
its own special niche.

So this cat’s on his way,
He just won’t ever quit.
You can follow his story
(Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit).

I hope you enjoyed this,
All silly and Seuss-y.
But I may need a lawyer,
When somebody sues me.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

It Is Entirely Possible That I Am, Indeed, The Man

Weekly weigh-in: 252.1
Loss: 6.5 lbs
Total loss: 39.4 lbs.
Emotion: Zestful

After last week’s unsatisfactory gain, I learned some important lessons:

  • Don’t order the Salt-Slathered Salty Veggie Fajitas with Extra Salt the night before a weigh-in
  • “Ah, what the hell?” are the four worst words you can utter in a restaurant setting
  • Even though there’s an ever-so slight chill in my living room in the early morning, there’s no need to weigh in wearing a heavy winter parka and fur boots

I really consider this week’s rocking of the scale a two-week victory, because I was rock-solid for the vast majority of the weight-gain week and super rock-solid the following week. Plus, I got a haircut, which was just enough to put me over the top.

There’s nothing easy about this journey we’re all undertaking, but when you do right and you see results, there’s nothing more satisfying.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

More Confush*t Say...

Confush*t say...

...person who won’t budge for exercise, won’t exorcize bulge.
...person who eat too much wind up being belly sorry.
...person who do good dieting is like spoiled child, soon get too big for britches.
...person who eat too much cake get just desserts at weigh-in.
...person who can’t stay in weight loss game forfeit future happiness.
...person who massage diet too much won’t get happy ending on scale.
...person who puts off diet plans puts on fat pants.
...person who runs miles soon smiles.
...person with small willpower soon have XXL wardrobe.
...person who eat too much fried food not have good relationship with the Lard.
...person who read too much Jack Sh*t get blogged down in stupidity.

Confush*t's motto:
Don't sweat the petty stuff, pet the sweaty stuff
or stuff the cheesy puffs.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Blog Posts I Started to Write But Couldn’t Finish

  • The Adventures of Fat-Man,The Crap-Eating Crusader
  • Famous Fatties’ Famous Last Words
  • A Serious Look at My Weight Loss Efforts Utilizing Charts and Graphs
  • 101 S’More Recipes
  • The Britches of Eastwick…A Haunted “Fat Pants” Tale
  • Fatduko
  • Comments That’ll Get You Kicked Out of a Weight Watchers Meeting
  • Ways Weight Loss is Like Professional Wrestling
  • Witty Responses to “Are You Losing Weight?”
  • Weight Loss Haiku
  • Lord of the Onion Rings (the Adventures of Fatbo Faggins)
  • Mad Lbs., The wacky fill-in-the-blank weight loss game
  • Snide Comments Simon Might Make on the First Episode of American Fat Idol
  • Charcoal Drawings of What I Had to Eat Today

Pomegranate Juice, the World’s Most Perfect Weight Loss Drink

When some nice lady at POM Wonderful offered to send me–for free—some pomegranate juice and assorted pomma-propaganda about its “so-called” health benefits, I was a wee bit skeptical.

I don’t intend to use this space as a means for companies to promote their various goods and services. I don’t want any apparel companies sending me any shirts (XXL) or running shoes (size 13). Don’t send me your fancy Wii games or exotic snack products (email me for address)… and expect a glowing review. Don’t be influenced by the fact that the POM Wonderful people sent me some samples and I concluded, without any undue influence from them, that pomegranate juice is the world’s most perfect weight loss drink.

Besides its awe-inspiring nutritional benefits, here’re some of my other findings…

  • Often referred to as “Nature’s Viagra.”
  • Pretty sure that it gives drinker array of super powers.
  • World’s oldest woman Emma St. Clair Augustyn credits her longevity to drinking gin & Pom every afternoon.
  • Turns bad cholesterol into magically wonderful cholesterol.
  • Is purple, God’s favorite color.
  • Ever since I started drinking it last week, haven’t had a single cavity.
  • Creates inner glow that makes hair shinier and tattoos more vibrant.
  • Cheaper, per ounce, than liquid diamonds.
  • When mixed with Red Bull, gives user “energy boost.”
  • When mixed with Jägermeister, gives user “intoxication boost.”
  • Cleopatra drank it and she was a stone cold fox.
  • Cures “thirsty mouth.”
  • Bottle doubles as sex toy.
  • If you spill it, can quickly obscure the clinical research highlights and physician references that the POM Wonderful people might have sent you.

Remember, Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit is not for sale; however, attractive leasing rates are available. Operators are standing by.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Milk-Shakespeare Plays

  • A Midsummer Night’s Drumstick
  • Much Ado about Noshing
  • Tempura-est
  • The Taming of the Strudel
  • Julius Caesar Salad
  • MacBeef
  • Twelfth Nighttime Snack
  • Marshmallow Othello
  • All's Well That Ends With Dessert
  • King Beer
  • As You Like It, Dipped in Batter and Fried
  • Romeo & Julienne Fries
  • Comedy of Eclairs
  • Hamlet & Eggs

Burn the Ships

When Spanish Conquistador Hernando “Corky” Cortez landed in Mexico in 1519, he gave a startling order: “Burn the ships.” Some historians argue that he just didn’t want to pay the docking fees at the marina, but most have come to the conclusion that he was so committed to his mission that he didn’t want to allow his men (or himself) the option of returning to Spain... the option of failure.

I’ve been taking a “burn-the-ships” approach with many aspects of my current weight loss campaign. I’m getting rid of excuses that get in my path, and I’m chasing away temptations that I know are just too difficult for me to resist.

I used to buy snacks for my daughters that, more often than not, I would wind up munching on while watching a ball game on TV.

Burn the chips.

The fridge by my desk at the office was once stacked and packed with sodas.

Burn the cokes.

I found myself eating dessert right before bedtime.

Burn the treats.

All too often, I was making poor choices at restaurants.

Burn the menus.

None of us are made of steel. We can’t resist temptation indefinitely. What we can do is take away as many of the hurdles and enticements that get in the way of our weight loss success as we possibly can.

When I decided to stop drinking coffee a couple of weeks ago, there was an almost-full container of Almond Toffee coffee creamer in the fridge. I left it in there a couple of days, but I know the way my mind works: “Well, that stuff’s just going to go to waste if I don’t drink it. Maybe a cup of coffee just the weekends… that’d be all right.”

When you start making deals with yourself over food, it’s time to burn the ships.

Glug, glug, glug… down the drain went the coffee crap.

Family won’t like it if you quit buying ice cream? I’ve got news for you: they’ll get over it. My daughters were livid when I quit bringing home their favorite chips. Tough t*tty, said Jack Sh*tty. Them boats have been torched.

And the excuses. Maybe more important than the temptations, you’ve got to take away the excuses that make taking care of yourself less of a priority than taking care of all the other areas of your existence, all the other duties and responsibilities that fill your days. This is your life, and it’s high time that you give yourself the opportunity to be the person you want to be, that you know deep down you’re on the road to becoming.

Burn the ships. Get rid of anything and everything that could possibly cause you to fail. Burn the ships. Take every excuse off the table, and leave every cop-out and justification out back with the trash. Leave yourself no choice but to succeed… and don’t be surprised when that’s just what you do.

Against all odds, Cortez’s men conquered the Aztecs and were victorious where others had been unsuccessful for six centuries.

It’s hard to open the fridge door when your back’s against the wall.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Ways Losing Weight is Like Childbirth

  • Lots of screaming, crying and cussing along the way.
  • It’s a process that feels like is never going to end.
  • There’s a voice telling you “Push! Push!”
  • Doctors think they have all the answers, but people have been doing it without them for centuries.
  • You’ll soon have a bunch of clothes that are too big for you.
  • There are a million books on the subject.
  • It was more fun to get in the situation you’re in than to get out of it.
  • Spouse thinks they know what you’re going through but they don’t.
  • It helps if you’ve got someone there to lend you support.
  • Drugs are optional.
  • If you’re healthy, there’s no reason you can’t do it.
  • There’s quite a bit of labor involved.
  • It’s probably the most important thing you’ll ever do.
  • It’s hard to explain to your kids.
  • It’s a real pain in the bottom.
  • If all goes well, a brand new life emerges.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Weight Loss Fortune Cookies

  • You will make a name for yourself. Unfortunately, that name will be “Chunky-Style.”
  • “Well done” is better than “well said,” but not as good as “medium rare”.
  • Soon life will become more interesting (you have a weigh-in coming up, right?)
  • The first person gets the oyster, the second person gets the shell. Plus, oysters are only 1 point for a half cup.
  • Tonight you will be blinded by passion…and the onset of diabetes.
  • You have a shrewd knack for spotting untruths. Oh, and you look really skinny today.
  • You have exceeded what was expected. Of course, we didn’t expect very much.
  • You will soon be coming into a fortune… cookie.
  • You will soon be surrounded by good friends and laughter. Oh yeah, and your pants will split.
  • Your difficulties will strengthen you. Expect to be really, really super strong.
  • Your ideals are well within your reach. Your weight loss goals? Not so much.
  • Your infinite capacity for patience with your diet will be rewarded in an infinite amount of time.
  • Your life will get more and more exciting. Hint: This isn’t a good fortune.
  • Your love of life is only exceeded by your love of bacon.
  • Avoid taking unnecessary risks… and eating unnecessary chips.
  • You are at a crossroads. On one side is serenity and inner peace. On the other side is a strip mall with a Cinnabon.
  • If you don't have time to live your life now, when will you?

Thanks (I think) to Kelly at Happy Texans for inspiring this particular round of nonsense. Oh, and thanks to Kelly and the rest of you losers (I mean that in the "weight loss" sense) that made me get on the scale and see that I'd gained .8 lbs. after my salt-packed weekend.

Monday, June 8, 2009

More Things My Scale Might Say If It Could Talk

  • “Welcome back, Lard-*ss.”
  • “You’re at your ideal weight, assuming you’re eight foot six.”
  • “I wasn’t sure you’d come back after I broke your spirit last go-round.”
  • “There’s some cake on your cheek. No… I meant your butt cheek.”
  • “You think standing on me naked is really gonna help? What…were you wearing a suit of armor before?”
  • “Survey says: You’re fat!”
  • “Look on the bright side: there’s more of you to love.”
  • “You want a second opinion? Okay, you’re ugly.”
  • “That shirt is very fattering… I mean flattering.”
  • “I can give it to you in kilograms if it’ll make you feel better.”
  • “Houston, we have a problem.”
  • “You want some more of me?”
  • “Thoreau said: ‘Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest.’ I say: “You just gained two pounds, sucka.”

Dearly Beloved, We Are Gathered Here Today...

Weekly weigh-in: ****
Loss: ** lbs
Total loss: *** lbs.
Emotion: ********

Instead of my usual weekend sacred service (the Sunday morning weigh-in), I spent the weekend at my niece’s wedding four hours away. It wasn’t the train-wreck it could have been, but it was bad enough that I’m skipping my weekly hop-on-the-scale this week. Why? Call me Jack S*lt.

Snacked on semi-healthy (but salty) chips and pretzels on the car ride, didn’t drink enough aqua (even though I brought a big jug), nibbled a little at the reception, then went out with entire family to a Mexican place they all love (but I think is kind of mediocre). Broke down and ordered a beer, then had a little “What the hell?” moment with the greasy chips and salsa.

I wish Mexican food in this country resembled, oh I don’t know, food in Mexico. Every time we travel south of the border, we encounter all kinds of fresh and exotic fare, and rarely is any of it smothered in cheese and served with prison-style glob of beans. I split an order of extra-salty veggie fajitas with my wife Anita, and somewhere along the way had another beer. I was okay with the beer because they weren’t huge glasses and, when I start, I’m capable of putting away a lot of beer.

We went down to the fitness area later that night, while my mother and my daughter Pisa checked out the pool. I farted around on some of the equipment, but my heart (and stomach) just wasn’t into it.

Next morning, I made better choices at the complimentary breakfast buffet (featuring make-your-own-waffle station). I had oatmeal with sliced banana, juice and an apple. Snacked a little more on the drive home (did not plan well for car trip) and got back on track once I returned home. Ate better and exercised for couple of hours in the afternoon. Still, I can feel all that water weight clinging to me like saran wrap.

On the drive home, I was doing a bit of thinking about celebrations and how they so often knock us off skew with our weight loss plans. You tell yourself it’s okay because it’s a special occasion, and then a couple of nights later an old friend is visiting… or it’s a co-worker's birthday… or a new restaurant opened that everyone’s raving about… or they put Milky Ways in the vending machine. There’s always something to celebrate.

I don’t feel too bad about how I did this weekend… but I don’t necessarily feel like weighing in either.

Can’t do a wedding post without working in my Grandpa Noah Sh*t’s old saying: “Marriage is a mental state… it’s an institution. I guess what I’m trying to say is that marriage is a mental institution.”

Sunday, June 7, 2009

More Comments You Really Don't Want to See On Your Weight Loss Blog

  • “Great post. BTW, you’re fired for working on your blog on company time.”
  • “So how many points are in a whole tube of frozen cookie dough?”
  • “They talked about your blog in my Abnormal Psychology class today.”
  • “Didn’t you read about the potential side effects?”
  • “Worst. Post. Ever.”
  • “According to fitday.com, your meal had 8,985 calories.”
  • “Open this file for a laugh: http:virusvirusvirusvirus.com”
  • “So sorry about the chaffed thighs. Hope you feel better soon.”
  • “Look on the bright side: now that you’re laid off, you’ll have more time to exercise.”
  • “LOL at your “before and after” pictures”
  • “Nice try, but I don’t think you can staple your stomach with an office stapler.”
  • “I didn’t know Weight Watchers had a ‘Abandon All Hope’ badge.”
  • “It’s your mother. You’ve got time to write a fancy blog, but not to call?”
  • “Congratulations on the big weight loss; sorry to hear about the weeklong spell of diarrhea.”

Saturday, June 6, 2009

100 Reasons to Bag the 100-Calorie Packs

I realize that I’m fighting a tidal wave of popularity by ranting against 100-calorie packs. Food manufacturers and grocery stores seem to be doubling down on them–don’t be surprised to see a 100-calorie snack aisle in your neighborhood store any day now. But besides offering a no-brainer approach to portion control, there’s not much good you can say about these craptacular snacks. Here’s a hundred reasons to leave ‘em on the store shelves…
  1. There’s simply no nutritional value in virtually any of them.
  2. I mean, like, zero.
  3. Nada
  4. Zilch.
  5. There’s way too many ingredients.
  6. Such as Maltodextrin.
  7. Sodium Alginate
  8. And Polydextrose.
  9. Soy Lecithin
  10. Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate and/or Calcium Phosphate
  11. Back reads like a science fair project instead of actual food
  12. In fact, Hostess 100 Calorie Pack Cupcakes have over 55 ingredients.
  13. They’re pale imitations of the real thing.
  14. Oreos? I’ve loved Oreos, eaten Oreos, cherished Oreos. You, 100-Calorie pack of Oreos are not Oreos.
  15. They’re just bad food.
  16. Bad bad bad.
  17. No vitamins.
  18. No minerals.
  19. None of the good stuff.
  20. All of the bad stuff.
  21. Generally they’re are all high-carb.
  22. And high sodium.
  23. And unhealthy fats.
  24. And mostly high sugar.
  25. They tend to cause a quick rise in insulin
  26. Then a subsequent drop in blood sugar.
  27. Which makes you hungry again sooner rather than later.
  28. Say you’re consuming 1,500 calories per day; 100 calories may be less than 7% of your daily caloric intake, but getting 5-10% of your daily calories from junk food makes no sense.
  29. The offer little to no fiber.
  30. Nothing that makes you feel full.
  31. Face it, 100-calorie packs were a diet fad that has been shown not to work.
  32. And they’re an environmental nightmare.
  33. More packaging
  34. More waste.
  35. They teach us nothing about self-control
  36. Nobody I know has ever not finished a 100-calorie pack.
  37. I dare you not to finish one.
  38. Double dog dare you.
  39. These tiny packages are marketed as “diet food”, so even though you know that it’s not really healthy, there’s a conflicting message in your head.
  40. Is it “diet food” or “junk food”?
  41. It’s junk food.
  42. There’s hardly any more processed foods available anywhere.
  43. Heavy on the high fructose corn syrup
  44. Google that term for a sh*tload of bad news.
  45. Packs are often more than twice as expensive per ounce as the products they mimic.
  46. If you buy a large bag of the regular Chex Mix snack and divvy up portions equal to 100 calories each, you’d only be out 25 ¢ per portion.
  47. That’s compared with 87¢ if you went with a 100-calorie pack.
  48. "Cheese Nips" are one the worst offenders, charging a whopping 279% markup on their 100-calorie pack.
  49. Have you not cracked Ziploc technology yet?
  50. I mean, really, those plastic bags are pretty easy to use, and divvying up food in small portions isn't rocket science.
  51. Are your math skills even worse than mine?
  52. 100-calorie packs are just another way to give us license to eat empty-calorie foods we don't really need.
  53. There are so many healthy alternatives in the 100-calorie range.
  54. I mean, lots and lots and lots.
  55. Such as half an apple with two teaspoons of peanut butter
  56. Or 10 cashews
  57. Or a dozen almonds
  58. Or 1 cup of baby carrots with a couple tablespoons of fat-free ranch
  59. Or three ounces of lean roast beef
  60. Or thirty grapes
  61. Or half a small avocado
  62. Or two large graham cracker squares with a teaspoon of peanut butter
  63. Or six ounces of fat free, sugar-free yogurt
  64. Or three cups of raw broccoli
  65. Or a banana
  66. Or an apple
  67. Or a cup of blueberries
  68. Or 18 cherries
  69. Or a large pear
  70. Or a handful of raisins
  71. Or three slices of fat-free cheese
  72. Or a hard-boiled egg
  73. Or a piece of string cheese
  74. Or half a bagel
  75. Or a cup of unsweetened applesauce
  76. Or a packet of fortified instant oatmeal
  77. Or a rice cake with 2 teaspoons of almond butter
  78. Or if those are too healthful for you, how about six townhouse crackers
  79. Or eight saltines.
  80. Or 10 spelt pretzels with 1 tablespoon of grain-sweetened chocolate chips
  81. Or a couple of ginger snaps.
  82. Or a granola bar.
  83. Or 40 thin-stick pretzels.
  84. I know, I know… those packs are so easy.
  85. How often does doing what’s “so easy” pay big dividends when you’re trying to lose weight?
  86. Think about the whole reason for snacking: to tide you over.
  87. These little nothings don’t fill you up.
  88. They weren’t designed to.
  89. One packet may quickly turn into three or four.
  90. Don’t tell me you’ve never had more than one 100-calorie pack in a single sitting.
  91. It’s not healthy just because it’s served in a tiny handful.
  92. Eating junk food from an early age can create an unhealthy relationship with food for kids.
  93. Research has found that people actually consume more high-calorie snacks when they are in small packages than large ones.
  94. Less = more.
  95. I sh*t you not.
  96. And smaller packages make you more likely to give in to temptation in the first place.
  97. After all, it’s just 100 calories.
  98. What’s the harm?
  99. Is portion size really the problem or an addiction to junk food?
  100. If you’re going to splurge and eat an Oreo, at least eat a real Oreo.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Features of My New Buggy Bod (Off-Brand Body Bugg)

  • Attaches to arm with rubber band instead of adjustable strap
  • State-of-the-art digital sundial
  • When you plug it into your USB port, funny pics of kittens pop up
  • Emits ear-piercing scream whenever you stop walking
  • Provides sunblock protection for area of arm it covers
  • GPS turn-by-turn directions to nearest Krispy Kreme
  • Fold-out bottle opener
  • Tracks calories burned, steps taken and other physiological parameters utilizing patented Guess-timation™ technology
  • Has mp1 player that holds up to three songs.
  • Button that allows you to spray mace on anyone who asks “What’s that stupid thing on your arm?”
  • Built-in snooze alarm
  • Secret Pez® pellet slot

No Sh*t

Since this is supposedly a weight loss blog, I should probably include some tidbits on what I’m eating, what workouts I’m doing and what feelings I’m feeling. Okay, here goes…

  • I’m eating food.
  • I’m doing workouts.
  • I’m feeling fine.

More specifics? C’mon, this is the place you come for sh*ts and grins, not recipes and workout schedules. Okay, okay… just this once, more specifics.

  • I’m eating regular foods, just less of them than my brain thinks my body actually needs. I’ve tried to slow down my eating, and I’ve tried to listen to my body tell me when it’s full. It’s difficult, because it talks like this: “Okay, that’s enough for now. Thank you very much.” I’m trying not to eat out so much because I know I can make better choices at home. I’m trying to incorporate more fruits and veggies, and I’m drinking more water (no diet sodas or coffee, for the time being). I’m doing well, because I’m hungrier for a life-change than a bowl of chips.
  • I’m working out, in some form or fashion, every day of the week. I don’t schedule “off days” because life generally has a way of forcing an off-day on you every so often. Some days I don’t wanna get my sweat on, but I know the weight won’t come off without the “exercise more” part of the equation. The body can adjust to less food; it has no defense for you burning calories.
  • I’m feeling fine. Really. I think I’m through the worst of the “crazy thinking” that led me to Obese City. And I give a lot of credit to these blogs… mine and all the other interesting voices I follow. Everyone’s got their own style, their own secrets for getting through the day, their own stories, both boring and fascinating. As for me, I may not always have something important to say, but I find I always have something to say.

I have so many great people providing me support along the way that I forget one of the main reasons I’m writing this blog: to serve as a reminder of all the hard work I'm putting in, all the hours of sweat and dedication I'm putting myself through and all those bitter battles with my pesky inner demons that I'm at least winning my fair share. I want to remember what I was like before (miserable), and just what it took to get me on the road back to where I belong (healthy, happy, wise… well, two out of three ain’t bad).

It’s funny (and not the ha-ha funny you came here for, I’m sorry to say), but, in all kinds of ways, I expect to be a bigger person when I finish this journey than when I began it.

Here’s to wise choices, good friends and (at least) a little love from the scale this week.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

More Signs It's Gonna Be a Bad Weight Loss Day

  • Instead of your exercise shoes, you accidently packed a pair of ham sandwiches in your gym bag.
  • Persistent sample lady at grocery store force-feeds you Triscuits smothered with Cheeze Whiz.
  • You’re retaining more water than the Hoover Dam.
  • Inadvertently made your sandwich with marshmallow crème instead of low-fat mayonnaise.
  • Person you’re having business lunch with wants to meet at some place called “Corn Dog Warehouse.”
  • Boss just dropped off plate of still-warm chocolate chip cookies to reward your hard work.
  • Doctor prescribes round of steroids “just to see what happens.”
  • You must need new glasses; you picked up “1,000 calorie snack packs” instead of “100 calorie” ones.
  • Somebody sent you a bouquet of fudgescicles.
  • Stuck in traffic jam on expressway, you find a jumbo bag of M&M’s in the glove compartment.
  • Somehow your water bottle got filled with gravy.
  • When you brush your hair, hunks of cake fall out.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Weight Loss Jump Rope Rhymes

Cinderella, on the scale-a,
gained some weight, oh let me tell ya.
Used common sense
when she found her prince.
How many pounds
has she lost since?
[count until someone messes up]

The C-H-E-A-T-E-R Song
Ol’ Jack Sh*t, sittin' in a car.
First comes cola, then comes snacks
Then comes Quadriple XL-sized slacks.

Kookablogger sits at the old oak desk,
Eating up foods to make him grotesque.
Stop Kookablogger, stop Kookablogger.
If you don’t stop, you’ll be a d*mn mess.
How many days ‘til he changes his ways?
[count until someone messes up]

Teddy Bear
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear turn around,
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear touch the ground.
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear do some crunches,
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear throw some punches.
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear do a Shred drill,
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear run the treadmill.
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear work out for an hour,
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear please take a shower.

Not-So-Tiny Tim
I knew a big, fat Plumpy,
His name was “Tiny” Tim.
He got stuck in his bathtub, and things were looking grim.
He drank all kinds of soda, he ate all kinds of sh*t,
Finally he called in assistance to try and help him quit.
In came the doctor, (jumper jumps in)
In came the nurse, (second jumper jumps in)
In came the lady with Alli in her purse (third jumper jumps in)
Oily discharge on the doctor (jumper jumps out)
Oily discharge on the nurse (second jumper jumps out)
Oily discharge on the lady with the Alli in her purse (third jumper jumps out)

Working Out with Judy, My Impersonal Trainer

  • “Do three sets of ten thing-a-ma-jiggies on the arm thing.”
  • “No, I can’t tell you what muscle group that works.”
  • Okay, John. Do some squat-thrust-lift-ups.”
  • “I don’t need to write anything down; I’m keeping up with it in my head.”
  • “Do some stuff for your lats.”
  • “Whatever you do, Jeff… just make sure you use completely perfect form. I’ll be in my office if you need me.”
  • “Hi, Karen. Yeah, I’m on Loser Patrol this afternoon.”
  • “C’mon, *yawn* you can do it.”
  • “It’s a rowing machine. Row, dumb*ss!”
  • “Why don’t you try spotting yourself, Jerry?”
  • “I was on break, okay?”
  • “Yeah, probably you should do some of those… you know… ummm… crunchies.”
  • “If the weight feels too heavy, try trying harder.”
  • “Excuse me, I’m on the phone.”
  • “How much time do we have left? Do that much on the treadmill.”

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Kn*ck Kn*ck

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Wade who?
Wade myself this morning and gained half a stinkin’ pound.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Jack who?
Jack and see if something’s wrong with that scale.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Cash who?
Thanks, a handful of cashews only has 100 or so calories.

Kn*ck Kn*ck!
Who's there?
Sara who?
Sara easier way to lose weight than diet and exercise?

Kn*ck Kn*ck.
Who’s there?
Claudette who?
Claude et the whole pie in one sitting.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Alli who?
Alli discharge is a side effect of that new fat pill.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Hawaii who?
Miserable–I’m dieting. Hawaii you?

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
One shoe
One shoe who?
One shoe get me something better to eat than this fat-free cottage cheese?

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Ice cream.
Ice cream who?
Ice cream every time I think about dessert.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
U-boat who?
U-boat lost more weight than I did this week.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Dewey who?
Dewey really have to keep up with all these stupid points on WW?

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Gorilla who?
Gorilla me some veggies… they’re low-fat and delicious.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Amsterdam, who?
Amsterdam tired of all these stupid Kn*ck Kn*ck jokes I could sh*t.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Police who?
Police stop complaining about these Kn*ck Kn*ck jokes.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Rita who?
Rita another weight loss blog if you want something that’s not so stupid.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Ways Losing Weight Is Like Sex

  • There’s no single right way to do it.
  • It’s more fun when somebody’s doing it with you.
  • The whole process is filled with a lot of moaning and groaning.
  • It’s a lot more fun when you experiment.
  • It’s hard to do at a restaurant.
  • Sometimes, you’re just on your own.
  • Size matters.
  • If you don’t move and work up a sweat, you won’t see good results.
  • Even if you’re only partially successful… hey, it’s still good.
  • Sometimes a mirror helps.
  • Getting in new pants is a big incentive.
  • It can make you a little crazy.
  • Eating a submarine sandwich in bed can spoil it.
  • Some days you just know it’s not going to happen.
  • There’s a ton of resources on the internet on the subject.
  • If you do it well, the final result is spectacular.


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